CRYSTAL
by HQandJLover
Summary: What if Puck got another girl pregnant? Meet Crystal Osborne, Quinn Fabray's best friend. She's co-captain of the Cheerios, Vice-President of The Celibacy Club, best friends with Santana and Brittany, and in a relationship with Quinn and Finn. Quinn and Crystal have a rule about dating, they are a packaged deal and everyone knows it. I don't own Glee. I only own my OCs.
1. Showmance

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

Quinn, Finn, and I are talking about Finn joining Glee, as Finn retrieves books from his locker.

"We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years." I said

"Yeah, I know." Finn said

"Prom king and queens. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself." Quinn said

"Look, you're making too big a deal out of this." Finn said

"Okay. Let's compromise. If you quit the club, we'll let you touch our breasts." I said

"Under the shirt?" Finn asked

"Over the bra." I said

Finn pauses, momentarily conflicted.

"No. No, I can't." Finn said

Quinn and I scoff.

"I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I'm performing." Finn said

"People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes us? Your big gay beards." Quinn said

"Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything's gonna work out." Finn said

Finn closes his locker and leaves. Quinn and I turn to Rachel.

"Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands." Quinn said

"You can dance with him." I said

"You can sing with him." Quinn said

"But you will never have him." I said

"I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it." Rachel said

Rachel turns to walk away and two slushies are thrown in her face. Quinn and I snicker and walk away.

 _At The Celibacy Club_

The Cheerios and I are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. Rachel is sitting alone opposite us. Quinn strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.

"The Celibacy Club is now in session." Quinn said

"Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What's-her-name." I said, annoyed

"Where are all the boys?" Rachel asked

"Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith." Quinn said

A few minutes later, Santana twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.

"God bless the perv that invented these." I said

"Remember the power motto, girls." Quinn said

"It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing." We all, except Rachel, said

We all, except Rachel, begin to dance in place.

"Back it up like a dump truck, baby!" Santana said

* * *

 _Later_

All of the Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. We are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.

"Let's pair up for the 'Immaculate Affection'. Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry." Quinn said

Quinn and I step over to Finn, smiling and Quinn places the balloon between our pelvises. Rachel glances at Finn and reluctantly moves closer to Jacob, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.

"You enchant me." Jacob said

"Yeah!" Puck exclaimed

Puck grinds into the balloon between him and Santana, who struggles to pull away.

"Stop it!" Santana said

"Take it. Ah, yeah!" Puck exclaimed

The balloon between Finn, Quinn, and I pops.

"Finn!" Quinn hissed

"It must have hit my zipper." Finn said

Rachel breaks away from Jacob and addresses the room.

"You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for." Rachel said

"Don't you dare mention the 'C' word." I said

"You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do." Rachel said

Rachel stormed out of the room.

"I- Is that accurate?" Jacob asked

We all just glared at him.

* * *

 _In the gym_

The entire student body is sitting in the stands in the gym. Principal Figgins is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. Mr. Schuester is sitting in a chair to his side.

"Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester." Principal Figgins said

"Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!" Ms. Pillsbury cheered

Mr. Schuester steps up to the microphone.

"Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of "Push It".

Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. Quinn and I look at each other, horrified. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, Jacob springs up out of his seat.

"Yes!" Jacob exclaimed

All the students erupt into cheers, with the exception of us Cheerios and Coach Sylvester.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I stand in front of him.

"I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn, Crystal, and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriends would we be if we didn't support him?" Quinn said

"Well, let's see what you've got." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester hits the play button on the CD player and we begin performing "I Say a Little Prayer".

 **Brittany and Santana:**  
Say a little prayer for you

 **Quinn (Crystal, Brittany, and Santana):**  
The moment I wake up  
Before I put on my make-up (Make-up)  
I say a little (Prayer for you)  
While combing my hair now  
And wondering what dress to wear now (Wear now)  
I say a little (Prayer for you)

 **Quinn with Crystal, Brittany, and Santana:**  
Forever, forever  
You'll stay in my heart  
And I will love you  
Forever and ever  
We never will part  
Oh, how I love you  
Together, together  
That's how it must be  
To live without you ( **Brittany and Santana:** Would only mean)  
Heartbreak for me

 **Crystal (Quinn, Brittany, and Santana):**  
I run for the bus dear  
While riding, I think of us dear (Us dear)  
I say a little (Prayer for you)  
At work, I just take time  
And all through my coffee break-time (Break time)  
I say a little (Prayer for you)

 **Crystal with Quinn, Brittany, and Santana:**  
Forever, forever  
You'll stay in my heart  
And I will love you  
Forever and ever  
We never will part  
Oh how I love you  
Together, together  
That's how it must be  
To live without you ( **Brittany and Santana:** Would only mean)  
Heartbreak for me

Mr. Schuester seems impressed.

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's Office_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are sitting in front of Coach Sylvester's desk.

"Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?" Coach Sylvester asked

"I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes." Quinn said

"Please don't kick us off the Cheerios." I begged

Quinn and I start crying. Coach Sylvester snaps her fingers.

"Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, C, when I first laid eyes on you two I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You four are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within." Coach Sylvester said

Brittany and Santana high five behind Quinn and me.

"And we're gonna get our boyfriend back." Quinn and I said

"I don't care so much about that." Coach Sylvester said


	2. Acafellas

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

We were going over dance moves in Glee today.

"Five, six, seven, eight. Step and step. Step and step. And turn it around. Down and up. And hit, hit down hit." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel raised her hand.

"Can we stop, please?" Rachel asked

"You don't have to ask me every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel. You can just go." Mr. Schuester replied

"It's not my bladder. It's the choreography." Rachel said

"Okay, what's wrong with the choreography?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It sucks." Rachel said

* * *

Flashback

 _"It sucks." Quinn said_

 _Quinn, Santana, and I cornered Rachel in the hallway._

 _"It's completely unoriginal." Santana said_

 _"Are you guys going to get shunned for talking to me?" Rachel asked_

 _"Sweetie, we're a team now. But you've got to do something about Mr. Shue's dance routines." I said_

* * *

Present

"We can't compete with vocal adrenaline with these steps. You're a great vocal coach, Mr. Shue, But you're not a a trained choreographer. That's what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley." Rachel said

* * *

Flashback

 _"He's the best show choir choreographer in the midwest. He works with Vocal Adrenaline." Quinn said_

 _"You can't take regionals without him." Santana said_

 _"He was the understudy to the candelabra in Beauty and the Beast on Broadway." I said_

* * *

Present

"Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed." Mr. Schuester said

"Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester? After high school. Did you even try?" Quinn asked

* * *

 _In the choir room_

The next day, the bell rings, signaling the beginning of Glee Club. Rachel walks in the room with a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies in her hand.

"He's not coming." Rachel said

"What happened?" Finn asked

Rachel tells us about when she tried to apologize to Mr. Schuester.

"Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads." Finn said

"Then why did he thank me?" Rachel asked

"The goal is to win. And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can." Santana said

"But he doesn't want us to. He just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff." Finn said

"And that's my fault?" Rachel asked

"Do you see anyone else in here With a plate of 'I'm sorry' cookies? I don't. Just you." Finn said

"I'm bored." I said

"All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley?" Quinn asked

Everyone except Finn raises their hand.

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

"It's a good start. You're sewing the seeds of destruction." Coach Sylvester said

"Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals." I said

"Oh, no, no, no. 'Barely' will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until glee club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?" Coach Sylvester asked

"They're soft. He'll eat them alive. I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide." Quinn said

"You know, ladies I learned a lot in special forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd, then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these glee clubbers one by one. I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

We were listening to Kurt and Mercedes talk at their lockers. After Mercedes started walking away Quinn and I caught up to her.

"You should totally scoop that." Quinn said

"I don't think I'm his type." Mercedes said

"Oh, I think you are. Just follow our lead. We've got your back." I said

I smirked at Quinn.

* * *

 _At Carmel High_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel, Kurt, and I all stood by Kurt's car.

"Damn, Kurt, this car is fly." Mercedes said

"My dad got it for my sweet 16. After I swore to stop wearing formfitting sweaters that stop at the knee." Kurt said

I raised my eyebrow, cause he was wearing one right now.

"What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him." Kurt said

He locks his car and the car alarm chirps.

"Are we even sure they're rehearsing today?" Quinn asked

"Vocal adrenaline rehearses everyday from 2:30 until midnight." Rachel said

"I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us. They're so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus." Mercedes said

Mercedes and Kurt link arms.

"Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart. And you don't look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing." Kurt said

Mercedes looks at Quinn and I and we nod at her.

"So, would you ever, you know, want to hang out?" Mercedes asked

"Come over. It's Liza Minnelli week on AMC!" Kurt said

We get to the front and see a girl puking in a trashcan and another girl wearing a neck brace.

"Guys! That's Andrea Cohen. She won Outstanding Soloist last year at Absolutely Tampastic." Rachel said

"You can't..." The girl in the neck brace started

The girl puking coughs.

"Leave rehearsals for any reason. That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease." The neck brace girl said

"Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreography for our glee club." Rachel said

"Don't! He's a monster." The girl throwing up said

* * *

 _Later_

We followed Dakota out to his car after practice.

"Mr. Stanley! We're the McKinley High glee club." Rachel introduced

"No interviews." Dakota said

He got into a car with a blonde woman.

"We'd like you to c-c-choreograph for us." Tina said

"Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three. And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you will place at the top three. Move it." Dakota said

Dakota drove off as his engine revs and tires squeal.

"How are we gonna get $8,000?" Rachel asked

* * *

 _In the choir room_

In order to raise the money for Dakota, the Glee Club held a car wash with the help of the Cheerios. A few days later, Dakota was handing out menus to everyone except Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Artie, and me.

"Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you're going to be eating for the next six months." Dakota said

"Um, mine just says coffee." Mercedes said

"Mm-hmm." Dakota muttered

"What's smelt?" Rachel asked

"A pungent, low-carb freshwater fish. Okay, let's start with today's business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough." Dakota said

"At what?" Artie asked

"At walking. We can't be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic, and it's depressing." Dakota said

"So, you're kicking him out?" Mercedes asked

"Mm-hmm. Also you. Youse got to go, Effie. No, no, no. Yeah." Dakota said

Mercedes has a look of disbelief on her face.

"You can't kick people out of glee club because you don't like the way they look." Kurt said

"Uh, why don't you shut your face-gash. And stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second." Dakota said

He turns to Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and me.

"You four– you're great. You're perfect. Seriously. Don't change a thing." Dakota said

He turns to Rachel.

"Uh, you– ew, nose job." Dakota said

"Now just hold on a second." Finn started

"What? What was that, Frankenteen? Why don't you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground?" Dakota said

"What's wrong with you?" Finn asked

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland Creature. Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like, 'you got what it takes'. But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, And ask yourself, 'Do I want to be a winner or not'?" Dakota said

"Screw this. I quit." Finn said

"Me t-t-t-too. Let's roll, Artie." Tina said

Finn, Tina, Mercedes, Kurt, and Artie start to leave.

"No. Great, great. You know, Separate the wheat from the chaff; that's perfect." Dakota said

"Wait. Barbra Streisand. When Barbra was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused." Rachel said

"Where's this going, Yentl?" Dakota asked

"Where it's going is that We don't need you. Let's face it, we're never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because we're different. And that's what makes us special." Rachel said

"They told J. Lo her booty was too big." Mercedes said

Mercedes heads back to the group.

"Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed." Artie said

Artie and Tina head back to the group.

"Jim Abbott." Finn said

Finn and Kurt head back to the group.

"I have no idea who that is." Kurt said

"He was a one-armed pitcher for the yankees. Pitched a no-hitter." Finn said

"Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?" Dakota asked

"Our point is that you're fired. And I'm taller than you." Rachel said

"Barely." Dakota growled

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

Quinn, Brittany, Santana, and I are sitting in front of Coach Sylvester's desk.

"Let me get this straight. The Glee Club got rid of Dakota Stanley; Mr. Schuester is back; and they're busy at work on a new number, more confident than ever." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"And down clap, and up, clap, clap. Down, clap, and up, clap, clap." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

"This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits." Coach Sylvester ordered

We all hesitantly smell our armpits.

"That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester." Coach Sylvester said

"Oh no!" Santana exclaimed

Santana starts sobbing and leaves the room followed by Brittany. Quinn and I stand up.

"Ms. Sylvester, we want to thank you." I said

"For what?" Coach Sylvester asked

"For teaching us a valuable life lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down." Quinn said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Uh, uh, step, ball change and head. Step, ball change and head. Low and up. Low and high! Oh, what do you guys think?" Mr. Schuester asked, hesitantly

"Mr. Schuester?" Rachel asked

"Yes, Rachel?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It was really good." Rachel said

We all laugh and clap.

"Thank you. Thank you. Okay. From the top!" Mr. Schuester instructed


	3. Preggers

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester is passing out sheet music to the Glee Club. After inspecting the sheet music for a minute, Rachel finds a problem.

"Excuse me, this isn't the right key." Rachel said

"No. It's actually the right key." Mr. Schuester said

"No, no, this is the alto part." Rachel said

"Yep. Tina's doing the solo." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm sorry, there must be some sort of mix up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me. Maria is my part! Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one." Rachel said

I look at Quinn and roll my eyes

"Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit. Get us out of our boxes." Mr. Schuester said

"You're trying to punish me." Rachel said

"I think you're being irrational." Mr. Schuester said

"I think you're being unfair!" Rachel exclaimed

"I think you're being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy about getting her first solo." Mr. Schuester said

"Tina knows how much I respect her and I think she would agree with me that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria." Rachel said

Mercedes interjects after looking over the sheet music.

"Wait... I'm a Jet?" Mercedes asked

Rachel emotionally storms out of the room.

"The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has." Artie said

I nod in agreement.

"Congratulations, Tina. This is going well." Mr. Schuester said

Mercedes and Artie congratulate Tina for getting the solo.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are at Quinn's locker, crying into each other's shoulders. Finn is approaching and calling our names, but we ignore him and walk down the hallway.

"Quinn! Crystal! Quinn. Crystal. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry." Finn said

Quinn and I stop at a corridor and Finn catches up with us.

"We're pregnant." I said

"We weren't sure, and we really didn't want to go by ourselves, and we're so sorry that we didn't tell you sooner!" Quinn said

"Mine?" Finn asked

"Yes, you. Who else's would it be?" I said

"But we...we never..." Finn stuttered

"Last month. Hot tub." Quinn said

"But we were wearing our swimsuits!" Finn said

"Ask Jeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature for sperm. It, it helps it swim faster." I said

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are – are you gonna get a...?" Finn asked

"No. I really thought I had a shot at getting out of here! No." Quinn cried

Quinn and I cry on Finn's shoulders. He doesn't know what to say or what to do.

* * *

 _Later_

Quinn and I are walking down another hallway, carrying our books. Suddenly Puck comes out of a corridor.

"Sup, MILFs?" Puck said

"Leave us alone." I said

Quinn and I continue walking, but Puck follows after us.

"Who's the daddy? I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn, since you two told me you were virgins when we did it... And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him." Puck said

"How can you be so sure?" I asked

"Finn's my boy. He would have told me." Puck said

"You make a habit of sleeping with your boys' girlfriends?" Quinn asked

Quinn and I walk down the hallway, away from Puck.

"Well, call the Vatican! We've got ourselves another Immaculate Conception! This time two!" Puck exclaimed

Quinn races back to Puck and drags him to the nearest corridor, where I meet them, to talk privately.

"I'd take care of them, you know. You, too. My dad's a deadbeat but I don't roll that way." Puck said

"Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?" I asked

"I've got my pool cleaning business." Puck said

"We live in Ohio. We had sex with you because you got us drunk on wine coolers and we felt fat that day, but it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser and you're always gonna be a Lima loser." Quinn said

Quinn and I run down the hallway, overcome with emotion.

* * *

 _In the parking lot_

It is pouring down rain outside. Quinn and I go running to her car, crying. We open the car doors, Quinn sits down in the drivers' seat, while I sit in the passenger seat, and we sob for a few seconds before we are interrupted by a voice. A blonde woman is sitting in the back seat.

"How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six. I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn. Neither can you, Crystal." The woman said

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" I asked, rudely

"I'm just somebody who wants to help." The woman said

"We don't need your help! Get the hell out of my car!" Quinn said

"Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking?" The woman asked

We haver no response to this question. The woman goes searching through her purse and pulls out two bottles of prenatal vitamins.

"Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your babies will be ugly." The woman said

"I don't understand. What do you want from us?" I asked

* * *

 _WMHS football field_

It is the night of the football game.

"W! M! H! S!" The Cheerios and I cheered

Later, during the game we are losing by six and the boys are in a huddle, while there is like ten seconds left of the game.

Finn makes a motion, and suddenly "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" is playing over the intercom.

The whole football team dances to the song, much to the disbelief of everyone and the opposing team.

Finn passes the football to Puck, who makes it all the way to the end of the field. The entire crowd is extremely pleased.

Kurt makes his way to the center of the field.

Kurt makes a motion with his hand. A short portion of "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" again plays over the intercom. Kurt dances for a few seconds, and then kicks the ball and makes the field goal.

The Referee blows his whistle. The game is over, and the Titans have won. All thanks to Kurt. The crowd goes crazy.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

The next day, Quinn and I are standing at my locker. I close it and Finn comes up to us.

"Hey." Finn said

Finn pulls a torn baby blanket out of his pocket.

"Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it, and I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our babies to have it." Finn said

Quinn and I are taken aback at Finn's kind gesture.

"I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father." Finn said

"Thank you, Finn." I said

Puck walks up to us.

"Hey, guys. How you doing? You know, lately, I've been getting really sick in the morning." Puck said

"Must be a virus." Quinn responded

"Hey, are you two putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not going to be able to hoist you to the top of those cheerleading pyramids much longer." Puck said

"Hey. Don't talk to my girlfriends like that." Finn said

"You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around." Puck said

Puck walks away from us.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all sitting down, when Mr. Schuester walks in the door with Puck, and football players Mike and Matt.

"Hey guys! Let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night – Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford, and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come." Mr. Schuester said

"Let's start today with 'Tonight' from West Side Story." Mr. Schuester instructed

I saw Rachel's face light up and she nods.

"Tina, show us what you got." Mr. Schuester said

I saw the look on Rachel's face falter and she storms out of the room before Tina begins her solo.


	4. The Rhodes Not Taken

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

We are practicing for Sectionals. Quinn and Finn are singing "Don't Stop Believin'".

" _It goes on and on and on and on._ " Quinn sang

Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach and I run out of the room towards the bathrooms. Out of the corner of my eye I see Quinn doing the same thing. I make it to the stall and throw up. After I finish I start crying and Quinn comforts me.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester is standing next to the piano with some blonde lady.

"Guys I would like to introduce you to someone really special, this is April Rhodes, she's our newest member." Mr. Schuester said

April winks at Puck and Puck smirks and sends her a wink back.

"Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?" I asked, confused

"Old huh? Well you guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad." April said

April chuckles and Mr. Schuester joins in.

"Mr. Schue this seems like a terrible idea." Artie said

"April is a great singer and she never graduated high school." Mr. Schuester said

"We appreciate what you're trying to do but she's no Rachel." Mercedes said

"Who's Rachel?" April asked

"Sh-She's kinda of our star." Tina stuttered

"You're star, eh? Well, where is she?" April asked

"She left to be the lead in Cabaret." Kurt said

April chuckled.

"She left to be the lead in Cabaret." Kurt said

"Hey Tinkles give me 'Maybe This Time' in B-Flat, and don't let me catch you snoozing." April said

She takes her jacket off and throws it on Mr. Schuester. She sings "Maybe This Time".

"Stick that in your pipe and smoke it." April said

I notice Kurt wiping a tear out of the corner of my eye.

* * *

3rd POV

Everyone, except Finn, Quinn, and Crystal, is in the choir room. Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, and Artie are standing by the piano trying to figure out what's wrong with Quinn and Crystal.

"Maybe they're lactose intolerant." Kurt offered

"Both of them? And that doesn't explain all the crying." Mercedes said

"Maybe they just don't like the group." Tina said

"Are you all that stupid? Seriously? I bet you thought that Bert and Ernie were just roommates." Puck said

Everyone just looks at him.

"Maybe Quinn and Crystal each have one in the oven." Puck said

"Who's the babies' daddy?" Mercedes asked

"Who do you think? Finn." Puck said

Rachel comes into the choir room.

"Yes, you've heard right I am returning to Glee Club." Rachel started

Puck leaves the choir room.

"In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially, conscious charity of your choice." Rachel said

"This is a hot damn mess." Mercedes whispered to Kurt

"Uh, I'm sorry. I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm." Rachel said

"Sorry. Glee Club had been rocked with it's first scandal." Kurt said

"Quinn and Crystal are knocked up." Mercedes added

"And the baby daddy? Finn." Kurt finished

Rachel has a hurt look on her face before she storms off, quitting again.

* * *

Crystal POV

 _In the choir room_

We are all standing around the piano, except April.

"This is your first performance and you are gonna kick butt at it." Mr. Schuester said

We all giggle with anticipation, when April walks in, obviously drunk.

"Yeahhh, right on time." April slurred

She walks along the line calling the boys names.

"Roller boy. Handsome." April said

She stops at Puck.

"Have you been working on the moves we talked about?" April asked

Puck nods and April steps close to him.

"You got something on your-your..." April started

She starts kissing Puck. Mr. Schuester pulls her away, staring at her with wide eyes as she honks Kurt's nose.

"My boy." April said

"Are you drunk?" Mr. Schuester asked

April doesn't answer.

"You promised me you'd sober up for this." Mr. Schuester said, disappointed

"When, well I was drunk you can't hold me for that." April said

She turns to Brad.

"Hit it knuckles." April said

April begins running notes, while Mr. Schuester leaves to go talk to Ms. Pillsbury.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

"Welcome McKinley High School's New Directions." Principle Figgins said

We start performing "Last Name".

April:  
Last night, I got served  
A little bit too much of that poison baby  
Last night I did things I'm not proud of  
And I got a little crazy  
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor  
And I let him call me baby

April and New Directions:  
And I don't even know his last name  
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed  
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"  
And then it turned in, "Oh no, what have I done?"  
And I don't even know his last name

April:  
Whoo  
We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning  
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot  
Well it should have been a warning  
I had no clue what I was getting into  
So I blame it on the Cuervo

April and New Directions:  
I don't even know my last name  
Oh my mama would be so ashamed

April:  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wooow

April and New Directions  
And I don't even know my last name  
Oh yeah

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"We did it. We're a hit." Artie said

He high-fives Mr. Schuester.

"Wh-wh-where's April?" Tina asked

"You are right Mr. Schue. She would massacre Mariah in a diva-off." Kurt said

"April is amazing, but she's not in Glee Club anymore. It... I, uh, I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me and Glee Club is about you guys. You don't need her to be great." Mr. Schuester said

"But we need her for the second act." Quinn said

"I'll just have to go out there and tell them to cut the show short." Mr. Schuester said

I sigh out as did everyone else.

"Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry. There will be other performances." Mr. Schuester said

I notice that Rachel was standing there the entire time and she walks in.

"Excuse me. I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you let me." Rachel said

"Since when are you willing to be an understudy?" Mercedes asked

"Since I quit the play." Rachel replied

"Really? Why?" Kurt asked

"I realized that being a star wasn't as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song." Rachel said

I cross my arms and glare at Rachel.

"You don't know the choreography." I said

"Then we're going to give her a lot of help out there." Finn said

"Go get in your costume." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel has a huge smile plastered on her face.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We were performing "Somebody To Love".

Finn:  
Can

New Directions:  
Anybody  
Find me  
Somebody to love?

Rachel:  
Ooooooh  
Each morning I get up, I die a little  
Can barely stand on my feet

Finn (New Directions):  
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look  
(In the mirror) In the mirror and cry (and cry!)  
Lord, what you're doing to me (Yeah, yeah)

Rachel (New Directions):  
I (Ooooh, ooooh) spent all my years in

Rachel with New Directions:  
Believing you  
But I just can't get no relief  
Lord

Finn (New Directions):  
Somebody (Somebody)

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
Oooh, somebody (somebody)  
Can anybody find me

Rachel:  
Somebody to love?

Finn (New Directions):  
Got no feel, I got no rhythm  
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing)

Rachel (New Directions):  
I'm okay (Yeah), I'm alright (He's alright, he's alright)  
(Yeah, yeah) I ain't gonna face no defeat

Finn and Rachel (New Directions):  
(Oooohhh) I just gotta get out of (with New Directions: this prison cell)

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

New Directions (New Directions Girls):  
Find me somebody to love  
Find me somebody to love  
Find me somebody to love  
Find me somebody to love (Love) (Mercedes: Heee, Oooh)  
Find me somebody to love (Love) (Artie: Somebody)  
Find me somebody to love, love, love (Finn: Oooooooh)  
Find me somebody to love (Love)(Rachel: Ohhhh)  
Somebody, Somebody!  
Somebody, Somebody! (Artie: Ooh, find me, find me, find me)  
Somebody, Somebody!  
Somebody, find me somebody to love

Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions:  
Can anybody find me

Mercedes:  
Somebody to  
Love?!

New Directions:  
Find me (Mercedes: Ooooh) somebody to love (Rachel: Somebody find me)  
Find me (Finn: Find me) somebody to love (Rachel: Somebody find me)  
Find me (Rachel: Somebody to love) somebody to love (Artie: Somebody, somebody, somebody)  
Find me somebody to love (Rachel: somebody)

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
To love!


	5. Vitamin D

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

We are being directed by Mr. Schuester as we practice choreography.

"Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. turn..." Mr. Schuester said

We falter our steps and Mr. Schuester becomes frustrated.

"Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two..." Mr. Schuester started

"Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze." Mercedes said

"Maybe so." Mr. Schuester said

Finn stares intently at Quinn's and my stomachs.

"But if we coast through sectionals, we're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt laughs and Mr. Schuester gives him a disapproving look.

"Sorry. Funny Youtube. It's the grape stomping one." Kurt said

Our laziness all started when Mr. Schuester told us who we were competing against.

* * *

Flashback

 _In the Glee room, Rachel is directing us in a dance number, when Mr. Schuester enters._

 _"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... No, no, no, no,no, no, no." Rachel said_

 _"Great news, guys. Just got the competition bracket for sectionals, and we are in really good shape. There's only two other teams. We beat them, we make it to regionals." Mr. Schuester said_

 _"Uh, who are the other teams?" Rachel asked_

 _"Drumroll please, Finn." Mr. Schuester said_

 _Finn plays a drumroll._

 _"School for the deaf in Dayton, and someplace called Jane Addams Academy." Mr. Schuester said_

 _Mercedes scoffs._

 _"Jane Addams? That's a halfway house for girls just getting out of juvie." Mercedes said_

 _"Th-th-this is great!" Tina exclaimed_

 _"People who can't hear what they're singing and criminals who don't care. It's gonna be a cakewalk. High fi..." Artie started_

 _Artie offers up his hand to Brittany for a high five. She high fives Santana instead._

* * *

Present

In the choir room, Mr. Schuester is talking to us.

"Competition." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester pins pictures to a board.

"Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better." Mr. Schuester said

"I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool." Kurt said

"Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt moves to group with us girls.

"Kurt." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt moves back to the boys side.

"Here's the deal. Two teams. Boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice." Mr. Schuester said

"What's a mash-up?" Puck asked

"A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay. Costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased." Rachel said

"Ah...There is going to be a celebrity judge." Mr. Schuester said

"Wh-who?" Tina asked

"Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out." Mr. Schuester said

"We got this in the bag." Mercedes said

"Totally. I'm going to start storyboarding our choreography tonight." Rachel said

We leave the room.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

It's Tuesday and the boys are performing a mash-up of "It's My Life/Confessions". Us girls, except Quinn, are sitting in front of them.

When they finished all of us girls were shocked.

"Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes." Mr. Schuester said

He turns around to us.

"You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, we've got our opening number for sectionals!" Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Rachel approaches me and Quinn at my locker.

"I haven't seen you at Glee rehearsals." Rachel said

"We're not superwomen. I know Glee is your whole life but we have the Cheerios, we're on honor roll, we have friends." Quinn said

"You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at Glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you two." Rachel said

"Why not? We've been awful to you." I said

"That was before you knew what it felt like to be me. An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate." Rachel said

"How can you relate to what we're going through?" I asked

"You don't think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?" Rachel asked

"That was me, actually." Quinn admitted

"Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need Glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, those cheerleading uniforms aren't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voices right now. You're actually good singers. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because you lack my years of training." Rachel said

"We would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know?" Quinn said

"I know." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I told you guys." Rachel said

"We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour." Santana said

"Were they really that good?" Quinn asked

I nod at Quinn.

"They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated." Rachel said

"How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good." Mercedes said

"How did they d-d-do it?" Tina asked

"The real question is, 'What were they on?' Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers." Kurt said

We all look at Kurt telling him to get to the point.

"We all took something." Kurt said

* * *

 _In the Nurse's office_

Mrs. Schuester is handing out Vitamin D to us. We all are holding a cup of water and she is giving us doses.

"Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn and Crystal. You get folic acid." Mrs. Schuester said

She stops in front of me and Quinn.

"Mamas." Mrs. Schuester whispered

She moves on.

"It's good for the babies." Mrs. Schuester said

She turns to the guy standing next to her.

"Get the lead out, Howard. We have patients waiting." Mrs. Schuester said

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Rachel asked

"Oh, it's over-the-counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you." Mrs. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel addresses the audience as we prepare for our number.

"Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels." Rachel said, really fast

We all smile, nodding along. Ms. Pillsbury nods and hits the button on the timer. We perform our mash-up of "Halo/Walking On Sunshine".

 **Rachel:**  
Oh,  
Remember those walls I built  
Well, baby they're tumbling down  
They didn't even put up a fight  
They didn't even make a sound

It's like I've been awakened  
Every rule I had you breakin'  
It's the risk that I'm takin'  
I ain't never gonna shut you out

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls (New Directions Girls):**  
Everywhere I'm looking now  
I'm surrounded by your embrace  
Baby I can see your halo  
You know you're my saving grace (I'm walking on sunshine)  
You're everything I need and more (Whoa oh)  
It's written all over your face (I'm walking on sunshine)  
Baby I can feel your halo (Whoa oh! And don't it feel good!)

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls (New Directions Girls):**  
I can feel your halo (Halo) ( **Mercedes:** Halo)  
I can see your halo (Halo) ( **Mercedes:** Halo!)  
I can feel your halo (Halo) ( **Mercedes:** Ha-a-a-alo) (I'm walking on sunshine, woah)  
I can see your halo (Halo) (I'm walking on sunshine, woah)

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:**  
And don't it feel good!

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls:**  
I used to think maybe you loved me  
Now baby I'm sure  
And I just can't wait 'till the day  
When you knock on my door ( **Rachel:** Oh now now)

I'm walking on sunshine, woah!  
I'm walking on sunshine, woah!  
I'm walking on sunshine, woah oh oh!  
And don't it feel good!

 **New Directions Girls (Mercedes):**  
I can feel your halo (Hey!) halo ( **Rachel:** Halo!) halo (Alright now!)  
I can see your halo (Hey!) halo halo (Oh, yeah!)  
I can feel your halo (Hey!) halo halo ( **Rachel:** Halo-oo!)  
I can see your halo (Hey!) halo halo (Halo-oo)  
I can feel your halo halo

 **Rachel:**  
I can see your halo  
Halo!

"Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her." Mr. Schuester said

He gave us all high-fives. The bell rings and we all leave.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I spot Mrs. Schuester walking in the hallway and Quinn calls out to her.

"Mrs. Schuester." Quinn said

"Mm-hmm?" Mrs. Schuester said

"We need to talk to you... About the babies." I said

"Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having them right now, are you?" Mrs. Schuester asked

"What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?" I asked

"Mm-hmm." Mrs. Schuester hummed

"We've been thinking about your offer." Quinn said

"Yeah?" Mrs. Schuester said

"We like our lives. We like being cheerleaders. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but we really like being in Glee Club. We have all of these great things in our lives, and it already feels like too much. We can't raise two babies." Quinn whispered

"You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? Because, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama when you hand them over to me." Mrs. Schuester said

"He's the reason we're doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. We never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. We don't want to hurt him, either." I said

"Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose." Mrs. Schuester said

"One more thing. You know how you gave us those vitamins for the babies?" Quinn said

"Mm-hmm." Mrs. Schuester replied

"We really appreciated that, but we're gonna have all these doctor's bills, and we're gonna need some new maternity clothes." Quinn said

"You want money from me?" Mrs. Schuester asked

"They're gonna be your babies." I said

"Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn, Crystal. It's what's best for everybody." Mrs. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"We're really sorry, Mr. Schue." Finn said

"We didn't mean to get you into trouble." Rachel said

"I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins." Mr. Schuester said

"We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us." Rachel said

"Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided that I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned a co-director." Mr. Schuester said

"Who?" Rachel asked

Coach Sylvester comes into the room.

"Hey, kids. I gotta tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit." Coach Sylvester said


	6. Throwdown

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"As we head into Sectionals, I wanna get some feedback. Like, what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything any music in particular that you guys wanna do?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Can we maybe try something a little more black?" Mercedes asked

"I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes." Kurt said

"It's Glee Club, not Crunk Club." Rachel said

"Don't make me take you to the carpet." Mercedes said to Rachel

"Fantastic! Thank you, Mercedes, Kurt. Duly noted. Anything else?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I can pop and lock." Mike said

"Not really what we're goin' for, Mike but noted, noted, yes." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

Quinn and I are sitting in Coach Sylvester's office, listening to her newest way to destroy Glee Club.

"I wanna pit these kids against one another. Am I clear? Quinn, update. Go." Coach Sylvester said

"The minority students don't feel like they're being heard." Quinn said

"Ah. Chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that is so toxic no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice, young couple and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that?" Coach Sylvester asked

We shake our heads.

"Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _At the doctor's office_

I am laying down on the bed with my Cheerios shirt pulled up. Finn is on one side and Quinn is on the other side, both holding my hands.

"I'm freaking out." I whispered

"Everything's gonna be fine." Finn said

He looks pretty nervous, he's shaking his leg.

" your age, there's very little chance of anything being wrong." The doctor said

"Awesome." Finn replied

"It is gonna be a little cool to the touch." The doctor warned

"Can you just be careful with my uniform?" I asked, politely

"All right. Speaking of your ages, have you two given any thought to what you're gonna do after the baby is born?" The doctor asked

"Whatever Quinn and Crystal want is fine." Finn said

"Well, if it makes a difference, it's a girl." The doctor said

I clean myself off and Quinn sits on the bed and the doctor repeats the same steps, and Quinn finds out that her baby is also a girl.

* * *

 _In Glee Club_

Coach Sylvester and Mr. Schuester are standing in the front of the choir room.

"Well Ladies' choice. Heads." Coach Sylvester said

She flips a coin and Mr. Schuester catches it.

"Heads." Mr. Schuester said

"Awesome. All right, the following students have been selected for a special elite Glee Club called Sue's Kids." Coach Sylvester said

Mr. Schuester turns to Coach Sylvester with anger on his face.

"Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group." Mr. Schuester protested

"Aw, come on, Will. Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at sectionals." Coach Sylvester said

"We can't even compete in sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules." Mr. Schuester said

"Really? You need to crack open a book, William. Here, I have the Show Choir Rule Book." Coach Sylvester said

She tosses the book to Mr. Schuester.

"Page 24, Provision 14, second addendum. 'Twelve members must perform for each, not all members must perform every song'." Coach Sylvester recited from memory

Mr. Schuester shakes his head and sits down.

"Just go ahead, take all the football players and your Cheerios." Mr. Schuester said

"All right, everybody. Listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black, shiny thing." Coach Sylvester said

"That's called a piano, Sue." Mr. Schuester said

Coach Sylvester looks down at her list and begins reading from it.

"Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Come on! Move it! Asian! Other Asian, Aretha, and Shaft." Coach Sylvester called

Santana, Artie, Kurt, Tine, Mike, Mercedes, and Matt move over to Coach Sylvester's side, leaving Quinn, Finn, Brittany, Puck, Rachel, and me on Mr. Schuester's side.

"I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students." Coach Sylvester said

"You have got to be kidding me!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"I wouldn't kid about this. And maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter." Coach Sylvester said

"And that's how Sue sees it." Santana said

She makes a 'c' with her hand.

"Outstanding." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _On the football field_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are standing on the field, stretching. None of the other girls are here because Mr. Schuester decided to flunk them. Coach Sylvester walks onto the field and notices none of the other girls are here.

"G! Here, now!" Coach Sylvester called

I ran over to Coach Sylvester and some person with a recorder.

"Where are my Cheerios?" Coach Sylvester asked

"Coach Sylvester, they're not academically eligible. Mr. Schuester flunked them." I said

* * *

 _In Spanish Class_

Finn tosses a piece of paper to me and Quinn.

"What is this?" I asked

"Check it out. I came up with a name that I think would be good for the kid." Finn said

"Eyes on your own test, Finn. What's up now, Ronnie?" Mr. Schuester asked

Once Mr. Schuester is distracted, Finn started talking again.

"Anyway, then I read that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple and I think that's so cool 'cause you know how much I love apples, right? So I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic. Then I came up with the best baby name of all time. Drizzle!" Finn exclaimed

"Drizzle?" Quinn asked

"Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause you know how awesome it is when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really raining so it smells like rain, but you don't need an umbrella to go outside." Finn said

"Are you a moron?" Quinn asked

"What?" Finn asked

"We're not naming one of our babies Drizzle. We're not naming our babies anything." Quinn said

"Finish your test, Finn." Mr. Schuester said

Brittany is copying off my test and I take it back.

"Will you give me my test back?" I asked, annoyed

"I just don't understand anything." Brittany said

"That's not my problem." I said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"You are so insensitive! Bringing up baby names to me when you know we don't want to keep them." Quinn said

"We can't keep them." I added

"I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it." Finn said

"Not have an opinion?" I offered

"Hey, this is happening to me too!" Finn exclaimed

"No, it's not! You're not the one whose parents will burn her like a witch if they find out." Quinn said

"Sometimes I wish you two were a little more like Rachel." Finn said

"Really?" I asked, annoyed

"Yeah. She cares about my feelings. She sticks up for me. She sticks up for all three of us. She gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants just to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant." Finn said

"You think she did that for us?" Quinn asked

"Just to be a good teammate?" I asked

"That's what she told me." Finn said

"I know some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends. Just don't do it with her." I said

Quinn and I walk away from Finn.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We were all jamming out to "Ride Wit Me."

New Directions:  
Hey, oh, Hey Oh!

Where they at, where they at,  
Where they at, where they at,  
Where they at, where they at,  
Where they at, come on now

If you wanna go and take a ride wit me  
We three-wheelin' in the fo' with the gold D's  
Oh why do I live this way?  
(Hey) Must be the money!

In the club on the late night, feelin' right  
Lookin' tryin' to spot somethin' real nice  
Lookin' for a little shorty hot and horny  
So that I can take home (I can take home)

She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude  
Or 19 kinda snotty actin' real rude  
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick  
Girl you know that it's on (Know that it's on)

I peep something comin' towards me up the dance floor  
Sexy and real slow (hey)  
Sayin' she was peepin' and I dig the last video  
So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no?  
Her measurements were 36-25-34

I like the way you brush your hair  
And I like those stylish clothes you wear  
I like the way the light hit the ice and glare  
And I can see you moving way over there

"I miss us all being together." Rachel said

"I hope we don't get in trouble for our covert jam session." Artie said

We all laugh.

"If Sue catches us mingling, we're cooked. She told me if I even talked to one of 's kids, she would shave my head." Kurt said

We all laugh.

"And I just can't rock that look." Kurt said

We all laugh again.

"Even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back." Kurt said

"Well, we gotta go, you guys." Mercedes said

We all groan.

"Ms. Sylvester is expecting us in 10 minutes in the dance studio." Mercedes

"Bye." Rachel said

"Bye, white people." Artie said

Coach Sylvester's group starts heading out, when Mr. Schuester walks in.

"Hey! What are you guys doing here?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Just s-s-stopping by to say hello." Tina stuttered

"Ah, it's great to see you guys." Mr. Schuester said

Coach Sylvester's group walks out.

"All right. Great news, guys. Brought the band with me, and I think that we have our number for Sectionals." Mr. Schuester said

" ? We don't like what this has become." Rachel said

"Don't you guys see? That is how Sue wants you to feel. Giving up doesn't help anyone but her. Look, if it were up to me, we would all perform together at Sectionals. But it's not up to me anymore, okay? Sue's gonna do her song, and we are gonna do ours. Sue's Kids are singing about hate , I thought we would try a kinder approach." Mr. Schuester said

He starts handing out sheet music.

"All right. Finn and Rachel, come up here. You're gonna take the leads." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh, I love this song." Rachel said

She pulls Finn up with her and I glare at her.

"Okay, follow my lead." Rachel said

"Don't wait for me." Finn said

"So much for togetherness." Quinn commented

"Guys, you guys really need to practice this, all right? Night and day, between has to be letter-perfect. Okay?" Mr. Schuester said

"You got it, Mr. S." Finn said

"Hit it." Mr. Schuester said to the band

We sing "No Air".

Rachel  
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Will's Group:  
Oh...  
Oh...  
Oh...

Rachel:  
If I should die before I wake,  
It's 'cause you took my breath away  
Losing you is like  
Living in a world with no air  
Oh

Finn:  
I'm here alone, don't wanna leave  
My heart won't move; it's incomplete  
Wish there was a way  
That I can make you understand

Rachel:  
But how  
Do you expect me  
To live alone with just me  
'Cause my world revolves around you  
It's so hard for me to breathe

Rachel and Finn:  
No!

Will's Group:  
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air (Rachel: No air yeah) (Finn: No air)  
Can't live, can't breathe with no air (Rachel: Woah woah) (Finn: No air)  
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there (Rachel: Whenever you ain't there) (Finn: No breathing)  
It's no air, no air (Rachel: No breathing no)  
Got me out here in the water so deep (Rachel: So deep) (Finn: So deep)  
Tell me how you gonna be without me (Rachel: Without me) (Finn: Can't breathe without you baby)  
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe (Rachel: Breathe - no air)  
It's no air, no air

No air, air (Rachel: Baby, no air)  
No air, air (Finn: No)  
No air, air (Finn: Hard for me to breathe)  
No air, air (Rachel: Oh)

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air (Rachel: No air)  
Can't live, can't breathe with no air (Rachel: No no)  
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there (Rachel: Not there )  
It's no air, no air

Rachel:  
You got me out here in the water so deep

Finn:  
Tell me how you gonna be without me

Rachel:  
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe

Finn and Rachel:  
No air...

The entire time Quinn and I are looking at Rachel hatefully.

"Amazing, guys. Bull's-eye." Mr. Schuester said

I push to the front.

"Excuse me. What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?" I asked, annoyed

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

"Say it for me again, word for word." Coach Sylvester ordered

"'What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props'?" I repeated

" turn to the other two and say I think Sue is right about him." Coach Sylvester ordered

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

I look at Brittany and Puck.

"He clearly doesn't like minorities." I said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I walk up to Rachel, who is at her locker, and I slam the locker closed.

"Listen here, treasure trail." I said

"We're about to have a smack-down." Quinn added

"I don't want to have a confrontation." Rachel said

She starts to walk away and Quinn and I follow her.

"Don't play stupid with us, stubbles. We're having Finn's babies, and you need to back off." Quinn said

"We're asking you as nicely as we possibly can. Leave him alone." I said

Rachel nods her head.

"You're right. I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating." Rachel said

Rachel starts to walk away, again, and Quinn and I follow her.

"Excuse me?" I asked

"I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's moles and you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true." Rachel said

"We have no idea what you're talking about." Quinn said

Rachel starts walking up the stairs and we follow her.

"Sue is not on your side, Crystal, Quinn. She's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's gonna do when she finds out about your situations? She'll probably try to rip off your uniforms with her bare hands. Every time you two whisper in her ear you empower her to do more damage to the Glee Club. And right now, Glee Club is all you have. And if I were you, I'd recognize who my true friends are. And I'd practice a little bit more because you obviously have a lot you need to express." Rachel said

"Oh, you have no idea." I said. smiling

Quinn and I start singing "You Keep Me Hangin' On".

Quinn with the Cheerios:  
Set me free why don't-cha baby  
Get out my life why don't-cha baby  
'Cause you don't really love me  
You just keep me hangin' on (The Cheerios: Ooh, ooh)  
You don't really need me  
But you keep me hangin' on

Crystal with the Cheerios:  
Why do you keep on comin' around  
Playing with my heart  
Why don't you get out of my life  
And let me make a new start  
Let me get over you

Crystal and Quinn with the Cheerios:  
The way you've gotten over me  
Hey!

Set me free why don't-cha baby  
Let me be why don't-cha baby  
'Cause you don't really love me  
You just keep me hangin' on (The Cheerios: Ooh, ooh)  
No, you don't really want me  
You just keep me hangin' on

You say although we broke up  
You still wanna be just friends  
But how can we still be friends  
When seeing you only breaks my heart again

Quinn:  
And there ain't nothing I can do about it (The Cheerios: Whoa whoa whoa)

Quinn and Crystal with the Cheerios:  
Set me free why don't-cha baby (The Cheerios: Whoa whoa whoa)  
Get out my life why don't-cha baby (The Cheerios: Ooh, ooh)  
Go on, get out, get out of my life  
And let me sleep at night, please  
'Cause you don't really love me

Crystal:  
You just keep me hangin' on

When we finish, everyone is breathing heavily.

"Alright everybody, take five." I said

The girls all leave, while Quinn and I stand there for a few seconds before leaving as well.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Rachel, Quinn, Finn, and I are standing on the stage, since we're the only people left in Mr. Schuester's group. Everyone else is sitting in the audience.

"We would just like to say that although we find ourselves on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number and we look forward to seeing yours as well." Rachel said

"Get on with it! Enough with the jibber-jabber. Sing something." Coach Sylvester said

"Sue, you can't talk to kids that way." Mr. Schuester said

" _Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air._ " Rachel sang

"All right, that's it. Come on. She had her chance. Everybody up. We're leaving." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester's group starts to walk out of the auditorium.

"I'm sorry, is there a fire?" Finn asked

"No, and that's the is no know, it's sad enough that my Sue's Kids are living in squalor and probably on food stamps." Coach Sylvester said

"My dad's a dentist." Mercedes said

"But for you to drag 'em in here and bore 'em to death? I won't stand for it. Come on, kids. Out. We're goin' for Coneys. My treat." Coach Sylvester said

Mr. Schuester throws his clipboard on the floor.

"All right, that's it!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"Really?" Coach Sylvester asked

"You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me so let me return the favor. You're rude, Sue. You have no class, and you are a terrible teacher!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"I'll have you know I have my Ph.D." Coach Sylvester said

"You got it online, Sue!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"You are a failed performer, Will. You weren't good enough to make it in the real 're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about. Time after time, Will, you fail." Coach Sylvester said

"You spend every waking moment of your life figuring out ways to terrify children to try to make you feel better about yourself and the fact that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!" Mr. Schuester said

Coach Sylvester pushes Mr. Schuester and they start to argue more vigorously.

"Enough! I'm sorry, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear Mom and Dad fight those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday." Finn said

"I agree. Glee Club is supposed to be fun. And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that. I'm out." Mercedes said

"M-Me too." Tina agreed

"Fellow Glee Clubbers, it would be an honor to show you how a real storm-out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead." Rachel said

She walks out and soon we all follow her.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"...Because you're all minorities. You're in the Glee Club. Now, there are only 13 of you. And all you have is each other. So it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish, or that Finn is..." Mr. Schuester started

"Unable to tell my rights from my lefts." Finn said

"Sure. Or that Santana is Latina - or that Quinn and Crystal are..." Mr. Schuester started

"...Pregnant. Sorry, Q, C, it'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon. Now everybody knows including me." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester walks out. Quinn and I leave the room as well, looking for somewhere to cry.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Finn finds me and Quinn crying, and he hugs us and rubs circles on our backs, while we just sob.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay." Finn said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We are singing "Keep Holding On" for me and Quinn.

New Directions:  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah

Rachel:  
You're not alone  
Together we stand  
I'll be by your side  
You know, I'll take your hand

Finn (New Directions):  
And when it gets cold,  
And it feels like the end,  
There's no place to go  
You know, I won't give in (Aaah-aaah)  
(and Rachel: No, I won't give in) (Aaah-aaah)

Rachel (Finn and Rachel with New Directions):  
(Keep holding on)  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, (with Finn: we'll make it through)  
(Just stay strong)  
'Cause, you know, I'm here for you, (with Finn: I'm here for you)

Finn and Rachel (New Directions):  
There's nothing you can say (Nothing you can say)  
Nothing you can do (Nothing you can do)  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So, (with New Directions: keep holding on)  
'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Rachel and Finn (New Directions):  
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe  
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny  
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly  
(Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah)

Rachel with New Directions:  
La da da da  
La da da da  
La da da da da da da da da...

Rachel (Finn and Rachel with New Directions):  
(Keep holding on)  
'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, (with Finn: we'll make it through)

New Directions Girls (New Directions Boys):  
(Oooh-oh!) Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah (Oh-oh!)  
Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah (Finn and Rachel: Keep holding on!)

Finn and Rachel (with New Directions):  
There's nothing you can say (New Directions: Nothing you can say)  
Nothing you can do (New Directions: Nothing you can do)  
There's no other way (when it comes to the truth)  
(So,) (New Directions: keep holding on)  
Keep holding on  
'Cause, you know, we'll make it through, we'll make it through


	7. Mash-Up

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

Finn, Quinn, and I are walking down the hall, Finn is smiling down at us, when Karofsky comes over and throws a slushie at Finn. Quinn and I gasp and back away.

"What the hell, Karofsky?" Finn asked

He pushes Karofsky against the wall.

"Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lee's and insperminated the queens of the Chastity Ball and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain, it's open season." Karofsky said

He gets into Finn's face.

"Screw you, Karofsky!" Quinn exclaimed

"You and your Neanderthal puck-heads are nothing!" I exclaimed

"You're gonna pay for this, dude!" Finn exclaimed

"No, I'm not. You three don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order." Karofsky said

Karofsky chuckles and walks away.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Quinn and I are cleaning slushie off of Finn's face.

"This is a disaster." I said

"Our reputation as McKinley High's "it" couple is in serious jeopardy if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn." Quinn said

Mr. Schuester walks into the choir room.

"Okay, guys. We're a little behind for sectionals thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour. But you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like chocolate and bacon." Mr. Schuester said

"Or Glee Club and football." Finn said

Quinn and I are still trying to get the slushie off his face.

"Exactly. But you've proven that it is a great combination. So here is my personal favorite song. And your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it." Mr. Schuester said

"Bust a Move?" Kurt asked

"Yeah, this song is old school." Mercedes said

"All right. Um, Artie." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah?" Artie asked

"Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it." Mr. Schuester said

"Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye." Finn said

"Okay. Uh, Puck. How about it?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I don't really groove on Young MC." Puck said

"I am shocked at the lack of leading-man ambition in this room right now." Rachel said

"It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester takes off his button-down shirt. He starts performing "Bust A Move".

Will:  
Bust it  
This here's a tale for all the fellas  
Tryin' to do what those ladies tell us  
Get shot down 'cause you're over zealous  
Play hard to get, females get jealous  
Okay smartie, go to a party  
Girls are scantily clad and showin' body  
A chick walks by, you wish you could sex her  
But you're standin' on the wall like you was Poindexter  
Your movie's showin', so you're goin'  
Could care less about the five you're blowin' (Uh)  
Theater gets dark just to start the show  
And then you spot a fine woman sittin' in your row (Uh)  
She's dressed in yellow, she says Hello  
Come sit next to me, you fine fellow (Uh)  
You run over there without a second to lose  
And what comes next, hey bust a move

New Directions Girls:  
If you want it, you got it, Uh  
If you want it, baby, you got it

Will with New Directions Boys:  
Just bust a move!

New Directions Girls:  
If you want it, you got it, Uh  
If you want it, baby, you got it, Uh

Will (New Direction Boys):  
Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry  
In five days from now he's gonna marry  
He's hopin' you can make it there if you can  
'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man  
You say "neato," check your libido  
And roll to the church in your new tuxedo  
The bride walks down just to start the wedding  
And there's one more girl you won't be getting  
So you start thinkin', then you start blinkin'  
A bride maid looks and thinks that you're winkin'  
She thinks you're kinda cute so she winks back  
And then you're feelin' really fine 'cause the girl is stacked  
Reception's jumpin, bass is pumpin'  
Look at the girl, and your heart starts thumpin'  
Says she wants to dance to a different groove  
Now you know what to do, G, (Bust a move)

New Directions Girls:  
You want it, you got it (Uh)  
If you want it, baby, you got it

Will with New Directions Boys:  
Just bust a move!

New Directions Girls:  
If you want it, you got it (Uh)  
If you want it, baby, you got it  
Uh, uh, uh, hey, huh, huh, ya, huh  
Huh, hey, huh, hey, uh, uh, hey, ya, ya

* * *

 _In Ms. Pillsbury's office_

Quinn, Finn, and I are sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office looking for advice.

"So, how can I, uh how can I help you kids? Is it, uh, too many friends on MySpace, or...?" Ms. Pillsbury asked

"I can't believe we're saying this but we need some advice on how to be cool." I said

"Yeah, you must have picked up some ideas about what cool people do from watching them over the years. Not that you were never cool yourself." Finn said

"Yeah, eh, well, um, but, um, you're three of the most popular kids in school." Ms. Pillsbury said

"We were until we joined Glee Club. That's why he got a slushie facial. I'm sure of it." Quinn said

"Okay, I see. Um, don't really have any pamphlets on how to be popular. Uh, okay, right. Well, let's talk about this. Why is it so important for you to be cool? Huh? Don't you like being in Glee? It's fun." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Status is like currency. When your bank account is full you can get away with doing just about right now, we're like toxic assets." I said

"When my mom applied to college she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity. And she got into Arizona State." Quinn said

Ms. Pillsbury looks like she is focusing on something else.

"Sunglasses are so sexy." Ms. Pillsbury said to herself

I look at her confused.

"Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses are, um, really, really cool. I'm always seeing celebrities wear them in magazines, even at night. Doesn't need to be day. Very popular. Gives you a sense of mystery. You know rappers." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Totally. You can't see their eyes, so they have all the power." I said

"Mmm! I could be looking at your boobs, and you'd have no idea." Finn said

"It, em, no. Um, no. Kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Okay? And if people don't like you for that, then I'm sorry, but who needs 'em." Ms. Pillsbury said

Finn, Quinn, and I look at each other.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Everyone is laughing when Mr. Schuester comes in.

"So any ideas for the mash-up? Anybody? No. Oh, come on, guys! It's like you're daring me to start dancing." Mr. Schuester said

We all have our own opinions about Mr. Schuester's dancing and Puck stands up.

"I've been working on something." Puck said

"Oh, yeah?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's my personal tribute to a musical Jewish icon." Puck said

"Uh, fantastic. Let's hear it." Mr. Schuester said

Puck starts singing "Sweet Caroline".

Puck:  
Where it began, I can't begin to know when  
But then I know it's growing strong

Was in the spring  
And spring became summer  
Who'd believe you'd come along

Hands, touching hands, reaching out  
Touching me, touching you

Puck with New Directions:  
Oh, sweet Caroline  
Good times never seem so good  
I've been inclined to believe it never would

Oh, sweet Caroline  
Good times never seem so good  
Oh, I've been inclined to believe it never would oh no no...

* * *

 _In the hallways_

Quinn, Finn, and I are walking down the hall, sunglasses on.

"You know, I really think this is working. I think we look super cool." Finn said

He fist-pumps a guy.

"I'm proud of you, Finn." Quinn said

"I'm proud of us." I said

"Yeah. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy." Finn said

"I totally agree." Quinn said

"Being popular just means you can have it all." I said

We round a corner, only to be met with people who have slushie cups in their hands.

"Oh, hey, guys." Finn said

"You thirsty?" Amizo asked

We looked behind him and saw more people with slushies. I grip Quinn and Finn's hands tight, and we all knew what was coming.

"Sure. Thanks." Finn said

They all throw slushies at us.

"You can't do this!" Finn yelled

He takes off his sunglasses.

"Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday and quit that little Glee Club for good! Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that." Amizo said

Everyone leaves, leaving Finn, Quinn, and I to get rid of the slushies on us.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Everyone who isn't on football is watching the clock in the choir room, waiting to see if anyone walks through the door.

"Hey, guys." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester walks over to us. The clock strikes 3:30, and all of us look at the door, but no one does.

"I guess they're not coming. I'm really sorry, guys." Mr. Schuester said

"I can't believe this. I thought they were our friends. How can they just abandon us?" Mercedes asked

Seconds later, Mike and Matt walk through the door, Brittany and Santana rushing to greet them. Puck walks in after them and Rachel runs over to him.

"Are you sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a Slushee in your face every day." Rachel said

"Bring it." Puck said

"Where's Finn?" Artie asked

Everyone looks over at me and Quinn.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I turn the corner, only to be met with Coach Sylvester.

"C, Q, take off those sunglasses. I wanna look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business." Coach Sylvester said

Quinn and I take off our sunglasses.

"You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad, let alone two. You're a disgrace." Coach Sylvester said

She walks away, leaving Quinn and I to cry.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"So, what do you think about my welcome back gift to the club, huh, guys?" Finn asked

He has brought us all slushies.

"Thanks for the slushies, Finn. They're delicious." Rachel said

"And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them slushies? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them." Kurt said

"I'd like to propose a . You were right about Glee Club and football bein' a killer combination." Finn said

Everyone, except Quinn and I, cheered.

" , I am sorry to report that we've all been remiss about completing our assignment this week." Artie said

"Yeah, none of us could find a good groove for Bust a Move." Mercedes said

"And I personally feel like a failure." Artie said

"Well, that's okay, I feel like the lesson that's what's we are glad to have you back, Finn." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester notices me and Quinn not participating.

"You okay, Quinn, Crystal?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Do we look okay?" Quinn asked

Everyone looks at us.

"We're devastated. Now that we're off the Cheerios, we'll start every day with a slushie facial." I said

"That's okay if that happens, Crystal, Quinn, because there are 11 of your friends right here who are gonna be more than happy to help clean you off." Mr. Schuester said

Everyone cheers in agreement, and Quinn and I smile.

"Mmm, brain freeze. I can't imagine gettin' hit in the kisser with one of these." Mr. Schuester said

We all look at each other, not even having to say what we're about to do.

"You've never been hit by a slushie before, ?" Artie asked

We all get closer to Mr. Schuester.

Um, all right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Gimme your best shot." Mr. Schuester said

"One, two, three." Rachel said

We all throw our slushies at Mr. Schuester.

"All right. From the top." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer.


	8. Wheels

**Crystal POV**

 _In the gym_

The Cheerios are performing a cheerleading routine with jump ropes while Coach Sylvester paces in front of them. Quinn and I are in the stands watching, when Finn walks up to us.

"You shouldn't do this to yourselves." Finn said

"Do what?" Quinn asked

"I know how much it hurts to be off the team. You're just torturing yourselves watching them." Finn said

"We needed a good distraction." Quinn said

"From what?" Finn asked

Quinn and I sigh and hand him two pieces of paper.

"$685?" Finn asked

"That's how much one sonogram costs. Don't forget there's two of us. This is just the beginning. There's going to be more doctor's visits, vitamins, new clothes for when we explode." I said

"What are we going to do?" Finn asked

"What are you going to do?" I said

"I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy." Finn said

"Somewhere in that pea brain of yours is a man. Access him and tell him to prove to us that we chose the right guy to have two babies with." Quinn said

"I will. I-I'll find a job." Finn said

Quinn and I stand up.

"You can count on me, I swear. Where you going?" Finn asked

"You were right. This does hurt too much." I said

We leave the gym.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Tina watches as Artie ties his shoelaces. Quinn, Finn, and I sit together.

"What about target?" I asked

"Tried. Not hiring." Finn said

"Another two doctor bills came to my parents' house last night, Finn. We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted them. But we have to start paying these doctor's bills or they're going to go to a collection agency and then my parents are going to find out that Crystal and I are with children. Your children." Quinn said

Mr. Schuester walks in and starts handing out sheet music.

"All right, guys. We're doing a new number for Sectionals. I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces, but I did a little research on past winners, and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible. Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway." Mr. Schuester

"'Defying Gravity'? I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing." Kurt said, excited

Mr. Schuester smiles at him.

"Think you can handle it, Rachel?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ring tone." Rachel said

Kurt looks crushed.

"Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder." Mercedes said

"Okay, we don't have time to rearrange a song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it. Don't worry, we'll find something for you to dip in chocolate." Mr. Schuester said

We all laugh and Finn looks confused.

"On to item two. The school won't pay for the special bus we need to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals." Mr. Schuester said

"W-w-what?!" Tina exclaimed

"That's completely unfair." Rachel said

"So we're going to have to raise money to pay for it ourselves. See, when I was in Glee Club, and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals, we held a bake sale." Mr. Schuester said

We all laugh, nervously.

"You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of bougie." Santana said

"So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's not that? It's most of us? Don't know how to bake? I find... recipes confusing." Brittany said

"My family is fully committed to takeout." Rachel said

"Yeah, Mr. Schue, kids are busier than when you went here. We've got homework and football and teen pregnancies... lunch." Finn said

"Can't Artie's dad just take him?" Mercedes asked

"I can't believe how insensitive you're all being. Are you a team?" Mr. Schuester said

"Of course. But Artie understands, don't you, Artie?" Quinn asked

"Oh... Of course. I-It's cool. Anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve the team." Artie said

The school bell rings and we all leave.

* * *

 _The next day_

We are all sitting in Glee Club, when Kurt stands up.

"I have something I'd like to say. I want to audition for the Wicked solo." Kurt said

We all murmur words of encouragement.

"Kurt, there's a high F in it." Mr. Schuester said

"That's well within my range." Kurt said

We all ooh.

"Well, I think Rachel's going to be fine for the female lead, but I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt. And we'll make sure it's got a killer high note." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt sits back down.

"You tried." Artie said

"Anyway, I wanted to say something to you guys. I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing to take the bus to get to sectionals and make Artie drive by himself with his dad. We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together." Mr. Schuester said

"Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere." Mercedes said

"I do care. It kind of hurt my feelings." Artie said

"We didn't think you would take it personally." Rachel said

"Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally." Artie said

"I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder Artie has to work just to keep up." Mr. Schuester said

"Preach." Artie said

"We're riding to sectionals together. Or we're not going at all. And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale." Mr. Schuester said

We all groan and start complaining. Mr. Schuester goes to the door to let in several people pushing empty wheelchairs.

"St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale, and my AV club friends here agreed to help out. For the next week, each of you is going to spend three hours a day in a wheelchair." Mr. Schuester said

We are all shocked.

"Oh, oh, oh. And we're doing a wheelchair number." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the Home Ec room_

Quinn and I are surrounded by baking materials, when Puck comes in.

"I didn't even know we had a home ec room. What's all this?" Puck asked

"Ingredients for cupcakes. For the stupid bake sale." I said

Puck sighs and puts a wad of cash in both Quinn's and my hands.

"What's this?" I asked

"It's what I have left over from my pool cleaning money. After I bought dip. And nunchakus. I was getting that you kinda need money. For our kids." Puck said

"For my kid and Crystal's kids." Quinn said

Quinn counts the money.

"18 dollars each." Quinn said

"How much has Finn given you?" Puck asked

"Just stop. I told you before, I don't care if the babies comes out with mohawks, I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's. As will Crystal" Quinn said

Quinn hands Puck back the money and I follow suit.

"It would be pretty awesome if they came out with mohawks." Puck said

Quinn and I smile.

"You are such an egghead." I said, smiling

"I'm not." Puck said

Quinn, Puck, and I share an intense moment. To break the tension, Quinn grabs an egg and cracks it on Puck's head. He is shocked. Quinn and I try to contain our laughter. Puck grabs a handful of flour and flicks it in my face. I throw chocolate powder on him. Puck throws two handfuls of chocolate powder on Quinn.

"Ah! That was perfectly measured!" Quinn squealed

We continue our food fight. There is much squealing and laughing. It ends with all of us standing very close to each other. Puck caresses both Quinn's and my faces, when Finn walks in.

"What the hell?" Finn asked

We break apart. Puck sighs and Quinn and I chuckle.

"We're baking!" Quinn said

"I can see that." Finn said

"I'm gonna go change." Puck said

Puck walks out of the room.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

In Glee Club we are all sitting in our wheelchairs.

"Now, all of you are going to judge, and in the spirit of full access, each of you is going to get a vote. Whatever singer has the most votes, gets the part." Mr. Schuester said

"This isn't going to be about talent, Mr. Schuester. It's going to be a popularity contest." Rachel said

"Stop right there. Mr. Shue, if I may." Kurt said

Kurt wheels to the front of the room and faces the rest of the group.

"We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her. But I want you all to promise me that you're going to vote for whoever sings the song better. Raise your right hand." Kurt said

We all raise our right hands, while Brittany raises her left hand.

"Your right hand, Brittany." Kurt said

Santana pats Brittany's right hand.

"It's this one." Santana whispered

"Sorry." Brittany said

"Repeat after me. I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better." Kurt said

"I promise to vote for whoever sings the song better." We all said

Kurt smiles and faces Rachel.

"It's on." Kurt said

Kurt does a twirl on his wheelchair and goes back to his position amongst the group. The school bell rings.

"All right, guys." Mr. Schuester said

We all leave, except Rachel.

* * *

 _In the cafeteria_

Finn, Puck, Quinn, Santana, and I are sitting at a table under a banner that reads ' **WMHS GLEE CLUB HANDICAPABLE BUS BACK SALE** '. Finn offers a cupcake to a passing student but they ignore him. He smells the cupcake.

"These cupcakes suck. That's why we're not selling any." Finn said

"It's not about the cupcakes. It's about us. Nobody wants to buy from losers. We're in Glee Club and in wheelchairs." I said

"She has a point. Six months ago I could've sold fifty of these things on fear alone." Puck said

We see Brittany, without her wheelchair, walking with a girl named, Becky.

"Oh, my god. What is she doing?!" I asked

"I actually think they're kind of friends." Finn said

"Brittany is always cheating off her test papers in math class." Puck said

Brittany and Becky come up to the table.

"See, so many? And look how pretty they are, Becky." Brittany said

"Wow." Becky said

"Brittany, you're supposed to be in your wheelchair." Santana said

"I lost it." Brittany said

"Are you a cheerleader? It's so cool." Becky said to Santana

"So is buying a cupcake. That's really cool." Brittany said

"But I don't have any money." Becky said

"That's okay, I have some." Brittany said

Brittany takes some money out of her bag and hands it to Becky. Becky then hands it to Santana. Santana grimaces as she accepts it and passes it to Quinn, who passes it to Puck, who passes it to me, and I pass it to Finn. Santana gives Becky her cupcake.

"Thanks." Becky said

Brittany waves goodbye to Becky and Becky leaves.

"So, how much do we have now?" Brittany asked

"Well, with this one dollar, we have... one dollar." Finn said

"This is ridiculous." I said

"Well, maybe if we put a jelly bean or something on top we'd sell more." Finn said

"Are you an idiot?! How are we supposed to trust you to take care of our babies when you can't even figure out how to sell a damn cupcake?" Quinn asked

"Stop attacking me. I'm sick of it." Finn said

"Get a job." Quinn said

"I'm trying!" Finn exclaimed

Finn stands up in frustration and kicks over his wheelchair. He walks away. Quinn sighs and tries to wheel herself away from the table but she gets stuck.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Everyone, including Brad, is on stage with our wheelchairs. Artie is teaching us some tricks.

"The key to a double turn is to just go for it. You push with the right wheel and pull as hard as you can with the left, and find a spot on the wall to spot you so you don't get dizzy." Artie said

Everyone starts doing double turns, people having varying levels of enthusiasm and success.

"Okay, guys, take five, all right? Oh, remember to show up early on Thursday. It's Rachel versus Kurt for the big solo." Mr. Schuester said

Everyone starts wheeling out. Finn, not paying attention, bumps into me.

"Careful. Respect the chair." Artie said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Quinn and I stomp in, each of us holding a piece of paper.

"We need to talk." Quinn said

"I'll get out of your way." Rachel said

"No, you stay. We need a witness." I said

Quinn and I shove the papers in Finn's face.

"Do you know what this is?" I asked

"Oh, it's just a past due notice. My mom gets them all the time." Finn said

"Right. But if these sonogram bills don't get paid, it's not your phone that's going to get cut off. You will get cut off. You need to help us with this, Finn. Or else we're going to go our separate ways." Quinn said

Quinn and I leave the room.

* * *

 _In the cafeteria_

Brittany, Quinn, Puck, Santana, and I are at our cupcake table again, only this time it's being swarmed with students

"I know, I know, I know, I know." Brittany said to a student

Mr. Schuester fights his way to the front of the line.

"Hey. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, this is amazing." Mr. Schuester said

Santana is eating a cupcake.

"Hi. Puck found his Nana Connie's old recipe. They're addictive. Do you want one?" Santana asked

Santana thrusts the cupcake she's eating in Mr. Schuester's face.

"No, no, thanks. Don't want to take one away from a paying customer." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah, no, sure." Santana said

"Hey, nice work, buddy." Mr. Schuester said to Puck

Mr. Schuester and Puck fist bump.

"These are so good." Santana moaned

Santana's eyes glaze over and she stares off into the distance, continuing to lick the frosting off the cupcake.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel walks in. Most of the club is gathered around Kurt. Finn walks up to Rachel.

"Good luck. I'm rooting for you." Finn whispered

Rachel smiles shyly. Quinn and I are not pleased.

"All right, welcome to the Glee Club's first official diva-off." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer and take our seats.

"Let's get this party started." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt and Rachel both sing "Defying Gravity".

When the song comes up to the high F, Kurt's voice cracks while Rachel manages to nail it. We all applaud. Mercedes gives Kurt an encouraging smile. He returns it somewhat disappointedly.

"Good job, Kurt. Good job." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are standing at her locker. Quinn shuts her locker as Puck comes up behind us.

"Hey, wait up." Puck said

Puck pulls a wad of cash out of his jacket.

"I cracked open the piggy bank. It's for you. Well, it's for them." Puck said

"They are a she." Quinn said

"And also a she." I said

Puck smiles.

"...Cool. I told you I wasn't a deadbeat." Puck said

"Look, Puck, this is really sweet, but..." I started

"I can get more. People call me a screw-up because... I think school's for suckers, but I got ambition. I can get us a house. Some stuff. Furniture. We could be a family." Puck said

"Finn is your best friend." I said

"He'd be pissed for a while. But then he'd realize he doesn't have to deal with all this. He'd bake me a damn cake." Puck said

"You stole from the cupcake fund." I realized

"No, I didn't." Puck argued

I arch an eyebrow.

"Fine, I did. I made all those cupcakes. I'm all about being a team player, but my family comes first." Puck said

"I get it. And I'm sorry. I should have never called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're special and a romantic. And a good enough person to realize that we are not going to take money from a friend in a wheelchair." Quinn said

Finn appears at the end of the hallway in his wheelchair.

"Hey." Finn said

Puck stuffs the money down his pants and walks away. Finn holds out a piece of paper for Quinn and I.

"Here." Finn said

"What's this?" Quinn asked

"I got a job." Finn said

Finn tells us about how Rachel helped him get a job.

"I'm going to need to stay in my wheelchair as long as I'm working there, but screw it, it's worth it. Can I give you a lift to rehearsal?" Finn offered

Quinn and I sit on Finn's lap and we roll down the corridor. Quinn and I look back at Puck.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Puck hands the wad of cash to Mr. Schuester.

"Twelve hundred dollars. That's enough for the show bus and two cases of Natty Light for the ride home." Puck said

"Oh, dream on, buddy." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer and applaud.

"I'm very proud of you guys. Artie... Why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself?" Mr. Schuester offered

We all cheer and applaud again, but Artie looks hesitant.

"What's wrong, dude?" Finn asked

"I really appreciate what you guys did for me, but I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there will be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together, but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad and use this for a handicapped ramp in the auditorium." Artie said

"Any objections?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Well, sure beats having to carry him in every day." Finn said

We all chuckle and Mr. Schuester smiles proudly at Artie.

* * *

 _Later_

We are all up on stage in our wheelchairs, performing "Proud Mary".

 **New Directions:**  
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river

"This one's for you, Artie!" Finn said

 **Mercedes:**  
Left a good job

 **Mercedes with Artie:**  
( **Artie:** Down) In the city,  
Workin' for The Man every night and day  
And I never lost one minute of sleepin'  
I was worryin' 'bout the way things might have been  
Big wheel keep on turnin'

 **Mercedes (with New Directions Girls):**  
Oooh the (Proud Mary keep on burnin)

 **Mercedes (Artie with New Directions Boys):**  
And we're rollin' (Rollin')  
Rolling yeah (Rollin')  
Rolling on the river (Rollin')  
( **with New Directions Girls:** on the river)  
Said we're rolling (Rollin')  
Rolling (Rollin')  
Rolling on the river (Rollin')  
( **with New Directions Girls:** on the river)

 **Artie:**  
So I left a good job in the city  
Workin' for The Man every night and day

 **Mercedes:**  
And I never lost one minute of sleepin'  
Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been

 **Tina:**  
Big wheel keep on turnin' ( **New Directions:** Turnin'!)  
Proud Mary keep on burnin'( **New Directions:** Burnin'!)

 **Artie and Tina with New Directions:**  
Rolling ( **Mercedes:** Rolling)  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Yeeah)

 **Tina with New Directions:**  
Rollin' on the river ( **Artie:** Rollin' on the river)  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Rolling)

 **Artie and Tina with New Directions:**  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Yeeeah)  
Rollin' on the river

 **New Directions:**  
Da do do do, da do do do, da do do do,  
Ba da da yeaah! ( **Artie:** yeah!)  
Ba ba ba yeaah! ( **Artie:** Aaah!)  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa yeah!

 **Artie:**  
If you come down to the river, ( **New Directions:** Do, do do)  
Bet you gonna find some people who live ( **New Directions:** Do, do do)

 **Tina:**  
You don't have to worry if you have no money,  
People on the river are happy to give.

 **Mercedes:**  
Big wheel keep on turnin' ( **New Directions:** Turnin') ( **Artie:** Oh yeah!)  
Proud Mary keep on burnin' ( **New Directions:** Burnin')

 **New Directions:**  
Rolling ( **Artie:** Rolling)  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Rolling!)  
Rollin' on the river ( **Artie:** Rollin' on the river)  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Rolling!)  
Rollin' ( **Mercedes:** Yeaah!)  
Rollin' on the river ( **Mercedes:** Rollin' on the river!)

 **New Directions (with Artie):**  
Ba da da (yeaah!) ( **Mercedes:** Heey!)  
Ba ba ba (yeaah!) ( **Mercedes:** Yeaah!)  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa, yeah...

 **Mercedes:**  
Heeey! ( **Tina:** River!) ( **Artie:** Yeaah!)

When the performance is over, Mr. Schuester gives us a standing ovation.


	9. Ballad

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester wrote the word " **ballad** " on the board.

"Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's a male duck." Brittany said

"Kurt." Mr. Schuester said

"A ballad is a love song." Kurt said

"Sometimes, but they don't always express love. Ballads are stories set to music—which is why they're the perfect storm of self-expression. Stories and music are the way we express feelings that we can't get out any other way. Okay, now, sectionals are in a few weeks and there's a new rule this year– we have to perform... a ballad." Mr. Schuester said

"Looks like my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally paid off!" Rachel exclaimed

"Okay. So here's our assignment for the week: I'm going to pair you off, and I want you to pick a ballad to sing to your partner. Look them right in the eye, find the emotion you want to express, and make them feel it." Mr. Schuester said

"I pick Quinn and Crystal." Finn said

"No, no, no. Too easy. Your partners will be chosen by fate." Mr. Schuester said

"Ooh!" We all said

"Ooh, yeah. I put all your names in this hat. Whoever you choose is your partner." Mr. Schuester said

"I bet the duck's in the hat." Brittany said

"But Matt's out sick today. He had to go to the hospital, 'cause they found a spider in his ear." I said

"Um... I guess I'll just have to put my name in the hat for now. Who's up first?" Mr. Schuester asked

Mr. Schuester drums with his hands. We each go up, one by one, and pick a name out of the hat on the piano. Puck goes first.

"Mercedes." Puck said

Mercedes rolls her eyes.

"All right." Mr. Schuester said

Artie goes next.

"Quinn and Crystal." Artie said

Quinn and I each give him a fake smile. Finn goes third.

"Kurt." Finn said

We all laugh, while Kurt has a hopeful expression on his face. _'Poor Finn'_.

"Mr. Schue, I don't know if I can do this with another guy." Finn said

"The fates have spoken, Finn." Mr. Schuester said

Finn sits down as Tina goes up.

"Other Asian." Tina said

Santana goes up.

"Brittany." Santana said

Santana gasps and Brittany stands up.

"How fitting." Mr. Schuester said

"Yay! No way." Brittany said

"Looks like I get you, Mr. Schue." Rachel said

"Uh... you know what? Maybe we should just wait until Matt gets back." Mr. Schuester said

"The fates talked, Mr. Schue." Finn said

We all laugh.

"Would you mind clarifying what kinds of songs you want us to sing?" Artie asked

"Why don't you let Mr. Schuester and I demonstrate. Brad, 'Endless Love' in B-flat, please. It's my favorite duet." Rachel said

"I really don't think that's an appropriate song, Rachel." Mr. Schuester said

"Why? It's a great song, and it's a perfect ballad." Rachel said

"Yeah. I really like that song, Mr. Schue." Finn said

We all laugh, again.

Rachel and Mr. Schuester sing "Endless Love".

During the song Rachel looks intently at Mr. Schuester, while he just looks weirded out.

"Okay. Something like that." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester clears his throat, and the bell rings.

* * *

 _At the Fabray house_

Quinn is trying on her dress for the Chastity Ball.

"Sweetie, I' m so proud of you. The Chastity Ball is so important to your father." Mrs. Fabray said

Mrs. Fabray tries zipping Quinn's dress but it won't go up.

"That's odd. We had this custom-made a month ago." Mrs. Fabray said

"I had a really big lunch today at school. Really big tacos." Quinn said

Mrs. Fabray feels Quinn's stomach and realizes she's pregnant, but decides to ignore it.

"No worries, sweetie. I'll just take it down to the tailor tomorrow. We'll let it out a little bit. The problem here, honey, is, you know, I just don't think you've been getting enough exercise ever since you both quit the Cheerios. Am I right?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"Yeah. Yeah. That's right." Quinn said

"I mean, you used to spend hours every day doing backflips and high kicks, and now, I mean, now you spend all your free time sitting on a stool in the dark singing show tunes. Do you know how many calories you burn singing? Hmm? Not very many." Mrs. Fabray said

"Judy! Glenn Beck is on!" Mr. Fabray said

He gasps and covers his eyes, laughing.

"Oh! Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, I don't want to see!" Mr. Fabray said

"Daddy, it's not like we're getting married." Quinn said

"I don't want–" Mr. Fabray started

He looks at Quinn.

"Oh. Oh, look at you. Speaking of getting married, how's that boy you two've been dating?" Mr. Fabray asked

"Yeah. Yeah. He's not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"No! No, he's a gentleman." I said

"I'm glad to hear that. Mm-hmm. That's why I'm inviting him over for dinner on Sunday." Mr. Fabray said

"Wonderful!" Mrs. Fabray said

"Refresher?" Mr. Fabray asked

"Honey, I don't want you to lift a finger for me. I'm your wife!" Mrs. Fabray said

Mr. Fabray chuckles.

"My little lemon drop. Oh! I gotta go catch Glenn." Mr. Fabray said

He clears his throat and sighs.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Finn, Quinn, and I are standing at my locker. We are fighting because Finn told his mom about our pregnancies.

"I can't believe you told your mom. What if she tells my mom?" Quinn asked

"No, she's not." Finn said

"Half the school knows. Your mom knows. Who else do you want to tell? Huh?" I asked

"But she's not going to tell anybody." Finn said

"You're wrong, We're right. We're smart, you're dumb." Quinn said

Finn goes to say something, when I cut him off.

"No, you're wrong, We're right. We're right, okay?" I said

"She doesn't talk to other moms." Finn said

Quinn and I walk away.

* * *

 _In the Fabray dining room_

We're eating dinner with Finn that Mrs. Fabray cooked.

"Mmm, it's a lovely ham." Finn said

"Thank you." Mrs. Fabray said

"There is no beating Judy's ham." Mr. Fabray said

Mrs. Fabray laughs.

"Well, I cure all my own meats." Mrs. Fabray said

"I'd like to propose a toast." Mr. Fabray said

"Daddy... no." Quinn said

"Russell and his famous toasts." Mrs. Fabray said

Mr. Fabray chuckles and stands up.

"The Fabrays are a tight-knit family. I have been blessed with a loving wife, two remarkable daughters. My first married a wonderful Christian man who owns his own chain of UPS stores. My second daughter– little Quinnie– we are just so proud of her, along with her best friend Crystal. Co-captains of the Cheerios. President and Vice-President of the Celibacy Club. I got a little peek at Quinn's dress. I'm certain she's a shoo-in for princess of the..." Mr. Fabray started

"She is." Mrs. Fabray said

Mr. Fabray chuckles.

"But tonight we are very glad to welcome their new friend–quarterback, no less." Mr. Fabray said

Finn abruptly stands up.

"I have to go to the bathroom. Uh... too much pop." Finn said

"Oh, wait, it's right through the kitchen, sweetheart." Mrs. Fabray said

"He wears a helmet when he plays, right?" Mr. Fabray asked

"He's just intimidated by you, Daddy." Quinn said

A few minutes later, Finn comes out of the kitchen, holding a radio.

"That's my kitchen radio." Mrs. Fabray said

"Yeah, I need to borrow it." Finn said

"Finn, what's this?" Quinn asked

"Well, we have this assignment in Glee Club to sing a ballad. They're all about expressing the things you can't find any other way to say." Finn said

"Oh, God, Finn, don't. Please, don't." I said

"No, I need to do this for all of us." Finn said

Finn starts singing "(You're) Having My Baby".

Finn continues singing before Mr. Fabray turns the music off.

* * *

 _In the Fabray living room_

"There must be some sort of mistake here. Quinnie, we raised you right. And Crystal your parents raised you right." Mrs. Fabray said

"You... you did. We didn't even have... sex..." Finn said

"I'm sorry. Can we just stop with the lying, please?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"But I..." Quinn started

"When you were about five years old, I took you and your sister down to an Indians game. All the other dads brought their sons, but my two girls were enough for me." Mr. Fabray said

"Daddy." Quinn said

"Your sister made it through the whole game, but you fell asleep in my lap. I kept hoping nothing exciting would happen, 'cause I didn't want the crowd to get too loud– ...wake you up. Didn't matter. You stayed asleep in my arms till the game ended." Mr. Fabray said

"Daddy, I'm so sorry." Quinn said

Mr. Fabray sighs.

"You need to leave." Mr. Fabray said

"Wait. Please, Daddy can we talk about this?" Quinn asked

"Finn is a good guy. He loves us." I said

"You, too. All three of you get out of my house." Mr. Fabray said

"You can't do that. They didn't do anything wrong. Please, Mrs. Fabray, do something." Finn said

"Don't bother, Finn. If she wanted to do something, she would've when she found out that I was pregnant." Quinn said, crying

"You knew?" Mr. Fabray asked Mrs. Fabray

"I– no. They didn't tell me anything." Mrs. Fabray said

"But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom. And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist." Quinn said

"Now do not turn this on us! You two are the disappointment here!" Mr. Fabray said

"Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because we made a mistake?" Quinn asked

"Who are you? I don't recognize you at all." Mr. Fabray said

"I'm your daughter. Who loves you. And who knows this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Please." Quinn said

Quinn and I are crying and sobbing. Mr. Fabray walks out of the room, while Mrs. Fabray hesitates.

"Judy!" Mr. Fabray called

Mrs. Fabray leaves.

* * *

 _In the Hudson laundry room_

Finn takes Quinn and me to his house.

"Honey, how many times have I told you, you gotta turn these T-shirts right side out before you..." Mrs. Hudson started

"Um... Mom, Quinn's parents threw her and Crystal out. Could they stay here for a couple of days?" Finn asked

"Yeah, of course they can. Girls, you can stay here as long as you want." Mrs. Hudson said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Quinn and I are sitting next to each other in the front of the room, when Finn is brought in by Mercedes, with Kurt following behind them.

"Open your eyes! I didn't tell you to close your eyes." Mercedes said

Mercedes chuckles.

"Is there a cake?" Finn asked

"No, there's no cake." Mercedes said

"Oh." Finn said

"Be quiet and sit down." Mercedes said

"Hi, Quinn. Hi, Crystal. Do you know what's going on?" Finn asked

Quinn and I just shrug.

"Your fellow Glee Club members want to sing a song for you guys to let you know how they feel about you." Mr. Schuester said

"What are you going to sing?" Finn asked

"Just listen. The song says everything." Rachel said

The Glee Club sings "Lean on Me".

Quinn and I are emotional, eventually Finn, Quinn, and I stand up and dance with the Glee Club.


	10. Hairography

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

We are rehearsing for Sectionals.

"Five, six, seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, unh and seven, eight. Step ball change, step, step, unh, You guys go. Step ball..." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester stops and turns around to look at us. He sees Brittany standing on a chair filming our routine.

"Brittany?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Coach Sylvester didn't tell me to do this." Brittany said

I roll my eyes.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

The Jane Addams girls are onstage, stretching, and we are in the seats, watching.

"Okay, guys, so first of all I want to welcome Ms. Hitchens and the Jane Addams glee club. We're all very happy to have you guys here. So, um, we're going to let you guys start us off. Let's see what you got." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester leaves the stage and goes to sit with us.

"Hit it." Ms. Hitchens said

The Jane Addams girls perform "Bootylicious".

Quinn and I grab Finn's hands to stop him from clapping.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

I was wearing this:

We are all sitting in the choir room while Brittany and Santana mock the Jane Addams girls. Mr. Schuester comes in the room with a bag.

"All right, guys. I did some thinking last night. I think I found our new number for Sectionals. We're going to do the title song from 'Hair'. Now, this show started a revolution." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, did they have mohawks back then? Like in the 20's or whatever?" Puck asked

"Yeah, Mr. Shue, if we're going to do a song about hair, shouldn't we have more hair?" Finn asked

"One step ahead of you. Here are your wigs." Mr. Schuester said

He throws the bag on the ground.

"Mr. Schuester?" Rachel asked

Rachel and Mr. Schuester talk in private and the boys put on their wigs.

"Looking great, guys!" Mr. Schuester said, laughing

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Puck, Quinn, and I are walking in the hallway. Puck hands me a book titled, " **How To Raise A Baby on Five Dollars A Day** ".

"Saw it in a bookstore. Figured I'd steal it for you. You know, in case you change your minds and decide you want to keep them." Puck said

"That is so sweet." I said

"To be honest, we really don't know what we're going to do about it anymore. Our minds are pretty messed up about everything." Quinn said

"Well, whatever you decide. No pressure." Puck said

Puck leaves.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

 _'Thank god for Puck. Thanks to him, I'm starting to realize that what I need right now, even more than looser pants, is acceptance.'_

Everyone dancing in the choir room, while Quinn and I sit Indian-style on the stairs.

 _'Everyone is putting so much pressure on us. It's so easy for them to be distracted. We don't have that luxury. We are under siege.'_

* * *

Flashback

 _I was wearing this:_

 _Quinn, Mrs. Schuester, Kendra, and I are in a car._

 _"You don't drink diet soda, do you? Because the phosphoric acid causes male pattern baldness." Mrs. Schuester said_

 _Quinn rolls her eyes._

 _"Our babies are girls." Quinn said_

 _"Women go bald, too." Mrs. Schuester said_

 _"You worry too much, Terri. Mom smoked and drank a bottle of riuniti on ice every night when she was pregnant with us and we're totally normal. Just take your vitamins, stay out of the hot tub, and avoid rum-based drinks, and you'll be fine." Kendra said_

* * *

Present

 _'Maybe the problem isn't that we don't want to keep the babies. The problem is that we don't want to keep the babies with Finn. Maybe we didn't give Puck enough of a chance. He is the real dad, after all. Finn would freak if Quinn and I started spending time with Puck though. We need to distract him so that we can take Puck for a test drive. But how?'_

I look at Rachel.

 _'Mm, forget about it. She looks like a five year old. Still, maybe with a little bit of makeup...'_

 _In the hallway_

Kurt is walking in the hallway and Quinn and I walk up to him.

"Hey, Kurt, can we pick your pink brain for a second?" Quinn asked

"Why hello, Quinn, Crystal. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me." Kurt said

"I'm sorry about that. Anyways, we have a proposition to make: A makeover." I said

"I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me." Kurt said

"Uh-huh." I said

"My suggestion... Spanx. Or double-knit camisoles with control tops for the baby bumps. Also, babydoll dresses–dead giveaway." Kurt said

"Not for us, for Rachel." Quinn said

"Why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time." Kurt said

"Our point exactly. You're as concerned about the glee club succeeding as we are, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit." Quinn said

We look over at Rachel, who is wearing a bright blue pantsuit, at her locker.

"Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?" I asked

"And to think... I thought you two were dumb cheerleaders. Deal." Kurt said

Quinn and I smirk at each other.

* * *

 _At the Schuester house_

Quinn, Mrs. Schuester, Kendra, and I are sitting on the couch.

"How could you bring them here? What if he saw them?" Mrs. Schuester asked

"You're gonna want to hear this. I gave little miss peroxide my phone number In case of an emergency, and she called to drop the bomb on me." Kendra said

"What? What bomb? What is it?" Mrs. Schuester asked

"We're keeping our babies." Quinn and I said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"Hey, Crystal, Quinn. I, uh, wanted to ask your permission to maybe do something on Friday night, if..." Finn started

"Oh, that's fine. We're babysitting anyways." Quinn said

"Oh, cool. I'll see ya." Finn said

Finn leaves and Quinn and I go up to Puck.

"Hey, what are you doing on Friday?" I asked

"Just the usual. Was going to stand outside the 7-eleven looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer, but what's going on?" Puck asked

"You wanna maybe babysit with us?" I asked

Puck smiles and nods.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are sitting, the guys wearing their wigs, while Brittany stands in front of us with Mr. Schuester.

"Some of you, particularly the guys, have come up to me with some questions about hairography. One of our own has volunteered to walk us through it. She has got it down. Brittany, take it away." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester motions for her to start but Brittany looks confused.

"Take what away?" Brittany asked

"Show us what you got." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh. All right. So, hairography. It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered. So you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff." Brittany said

Brittany unties her ponytail and whips her hair around.

"Very nice." Mr. Schuester said

"Wow." We all said

"You guys, it's like cool epilepsy." Brittany said

We all start whipping our hair.

"Come on, guys. Let's see what you got. Good, guys, yeah. Just relax and go for it, all right." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester leaves and we continue to practice hairography.

"My neck, my back." Mike said

We hear Coach Sylvester and Mr. Schuester yelling at each other and we stop practicing and start gathering by the door.

"I resent that accusation, William. And one I understand you've been making to our friends at Haverbrook and Jane Addams. And it's an outrageous affront to my sterling reputation! That being said, fine, I have been checking up on you. Because I don't like what's going on in there. Do you know why I make each of my cheerios wear her hair pulled back in a ponytail? Because I don't want to distract from her impeccable talent. You seem to be taking the opposite approach, Will. And that leads me to believe you know your kids don't have what it takes." Coach Sylvester said

"I believe in my kids." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, maybe in the beginning, but not now. Now that you've seen the competition that threatens your very position at this school! You're going to get me an updated set list by 5:00 tomorrow. And if there's anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I'm cutting it!" Coach Sylvester said

"I will not let you dictate my number choices. And you are not getting that list." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, then I'm back as co-director." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester leaves and Mr. Schuester sighs.

"Okay, guys, from the top." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _At the Schuester house_

Quinn, Puck, and I are tied up, sitting in a triangle, while Kendra's kids are running around and yelling.

"I told you we should have been the cowboys." I said, annoyed

"My bad." Puck said, distracted

Puck was texting someone but I don't know who.

"What are we gonna do about this? Who are you texting?!" Quinn asked

"Uh, Mike Chang. He's got wig problems." Puck said

"Well, put the phone down and help me with this knot. I've almost got it. You too Crystal." Quinn said

Quinn and my hands flail for a bit until Puck grabs our hands and we pause. We untie the knot and stand up, trying to calm the kids down.

"Stop that! Not the table! Think of something!" Quinn said

She grabs a pillow from one of the kids.

"I brought my guitar. Why don't we sing them a lullaby?" Puck asked

"Give me this. Hey, kids, look at me." I said

The kids stop for a minute.

"Want to see a real live music video?" I asked

"Yeah. Okay." The kids said

Puck plays guitar while Quinn and I sing "Papa Don't Preach".

 **Quinn:**  
Papa, I know you're going to be upset  
Cause I was always your little girl  
But you should know by now  
I'm not a baby

 **Crystal:**  
You always taught me  
Right from wrong  
I need your help  
Daddy, please be strong  
I may be young at heart  
But I know what I'm saying

 **Quinn:**  
The one you  
Warned me all about

 **Crystal:  
** The one you said  
I could do without

 **Quinn and Crystal:**  
We're in an awful mess  
And I don't mean maybe  
Please,

Papa, don't preach.  
I'm in trouble deep  
Papa, don't preach.  
I've been losing sleep  
But I made up my mind.  
I'm keeping my baby  
Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby mmmm

The kids are awestruck.

"Sing it again." One of the kids said

* * *

 _Later_

The kids are sleeping in one of the beds. Mrs. Schuester, Kendra, Quinn, Puck, and I watch them. Mrs. Schuester and Kendra look shocked.

"I think this is the first time they have all been asleep at the same time. What's that smell?" Kendra asked

"Soap." I said

The two adults snap their heads towards me.

"You got them to take a bath?" Mrs. Schuester asked

Quinn and I nod.

"What are you, exorcists?" Kendra asked

* * *

 _A few minutes later_

Puck, Quinn, and I walk out of the house.

"You two were awesome tonight." Puck said

"I was surprised at how I kinda enjoyed it." I said

"I was worried about you at first. You seemed distracted, all that texting to Mike." Quinn said

"Distracted? I was the opposite, babes. I was totally into it. All I know is we proved something tonight: This parenting thing? We can do this." Puck said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are standing at Quinn's locker. Santana comes up to us and slams Quinn's locker shut.

"Keep your paws off my man. Clear?" Santana asked

Santana scoffs at us.

"Who's your man?" Quinn asked

"Don't play stupid, tubbers. Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s." Santana said

"I happen to know that Puck cares about us." I said

"Oh, wake up! While you three were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting." Santana said

"Sexting?" Quinn asked

"Sexy texting. Seriously, what era are you from? While you three were 'playing house', Puck and I were trading super-hot texts. Why don't you check his cell phone? 'cause my sexts are too hot to erase." Santana said

Santana leaves.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

The Haverbrook School for the Deaf Glee kids are in the choir room with us.

"Thank you all for coming. We are so honored to have you guys here. So, without further ado, I present the New Directions." Mr. Schuester said

We perform the mash-up "Hair/Crazy in Love".

 **Artie:**  
Yes, it's so crazy right now  
Most incredibly, it's ya boy Artie  
It's ya girl Mercedes

 **Mercedes:**  
You ready, hey

 **New Direction Girls:**  
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no  
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no

 **Mercedes:**  
I look and stare so deep in your eyes  
I touch on you more and more every time  
When you leave I'm begging you not to go  
Call your name two or three times in a row

 **Artie:**  
I'm hairy high and low  
Don't ask me why I don't know  
Oooh

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's  
Got me looking so crazy right now ( **New Directions Girls:** In love)  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch  
Got me looking so crazy right now ( **New Directions:** Got my hair crazy right now)

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Give me a head with hair  
Long beautiful hair  
Shining, gleaming ( **Mercedes:** Ooohh)  
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss  
Got me hoping you'll save me right now  
Looking so crazy in love's  
Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love ( **New Directions:** Got my hair crazy right now)  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's ( **Mercedes:** Hey)  
Got me looking so crazy right now ( **Mercedes:** Hey) ( **New Directions Girls:** Your love's)  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch ( **Mercedes:** Your love)  
Got me looking so crazy right now

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Down to here  
Down to there  
Down to there  
Down to where it stops by itself  
Where it stops by itself ( **Mercedes:** Ooooh)

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your love's ( **Artie:** Oh crazy)  
Got me looking so crazy right now ( **Artie:** Oh) ( **Mercedes:** Hey)  
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch ( **Mercedes:** Hey)  
Got me looking so crazy right now

 **Mercedes:**  
Got my hair crazy right now

Mr. Schuester claps while the Haverbrook kids sign clap.

"It didn't work at all, did it?" Rachel asked

"No, it's just the rehearsal. It's still just a little rough, But we're onto something." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester sighs.

The Haverbrook kids starts performing and signing "Imagine".

 **Haverbrook Deaf Choir:**  
Imagine there's no heaven  
It's easy if you try,  
No hell below us,  
Above us, only sky  
Imagine all the people  
Living life for today

 **Mercedes and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
Imagine there's no countries  
It isn't hard to do,  
Nothing to kill or die for,  
And no religion, too  
Imagine all the people  
Living life in peace, you

 **Artie and the Haverbrook Male lead:  
** You may say I'm a dreamer,

 **Artie, Mercedes, and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
But I'm not the only one

 **Artie and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
I hope someday you will join us

 **Artie, Mercedes, and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
And the world will be as one

 **Crystal and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
Imagine no possessions,  
I wonder if you can

 **Finn, Crystal, and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
No need for greed or hunger  
A brotherhood of man

 **Finn, Quinn, and the Haverbrook Male lead with New Directions and Haverbrook Deaf Choir:**  
Imagine all the people  
Sharing all the world  
You-hoo-hoo

 **Mercedes and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
You may say I'm a dreamer ( **New Directions:** You...)

 **Crystal, Quinn, and the Haverbrook Male lead:**  
But I'm not the only one

 **Artie, Mercedes, and the Haverbrook Male lead with New Directions and Haverbrook Deaf Choir:**  
I hope someday you will join us ( **New Directions:** You...)  
And the world will live as one

We all get up and start signing with the Haverbrook kids. After we finish Mr. Schuester and the Haverbrook teacher sign clap.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I walk up to Puck in the hallway. Quinn grabs his phone, showing me the sexts.

"Hey, babes. Um... You really don't wanna do that." Puck said

"You lied to us." I said

"I'm sorry. I tried to resist Santana. I did. But I'm young and girls have this power over me. But, hey, it's all good." Puck said

"It's definitely not all good. I thought you wanted to be with us." Quinn said

"I do. Like, a lot. But you two haven't given it up to me since the night I knocked you up, and babes, I'm a dude. I have needs." Puck said

"So, you expect to raise two babies with us and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if we don't give it up to you every day?" I asked

"No. Just the hot girls. Look, I'm going to be a good dad, but I'm not going to stop being me to do it." Puck said

* * *

 _In the Schuester house_

Mrs. Schuester, Quinn, and I are sitting on the couch.

"You can have them." Quinn said

"Are you serious?" Mrs. Schuester asked

"Girls really need a good father. And the only way they're going to get that is if we give them to you." Quinn said

"You think Mr. Shue's going to be a good father, don't you?" I asked

"Yeah. I think he's going to be an amazing dad. Will!" Mrs. Schuester said

"Hey, guys." Mr. Schuester said

He walks into the house.

"I thought you were going to be at the scrap yard all afternoon." Mrs. Schuester said, surprised

"Oh, yeah, uh, change of plans. Got distracted with something else. Uh, Crystal, Quinn, what are you doing here?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Oh, girl talk. We're exchanging pregnancy war stories." Mrs. Schuester said

"Oh, that's... Nice. Well, when you get a sec, can you meet me out in the garage, Ter?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Oh, we were just leaving, so..." I started

Quinn and I go up to Mr. Schuester.

"Yes?" Mr. Schuester asked

We hug him.

"Later, Mr. Shue." Quinn and I said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are standing against the lockers, Finn walks up to us.

"Hey." Finn said

"Hi. Can we be in love again?" I asked

"I have to tell you something first. I, uh... I want us to be honest with each other, no matter what." Finn said

"You can tell us anything." Quinn said

"Cool. Uh... It... It's not really even that big a deal. I mean, I didn't actually do anything, But, the other night, when you were babysitting... I kind of went over to Rachel's house. But nothing happened. I... Just was worked up about us fighting and then she put on this really weird catwoman suit, and so I think something could have happened, but it didn't. Because I only want to be with you two." Finn said

"It's all right." Quinn said

"Thank you for being honest with us." I said

"I love you two." Finn said

He hugs us.

"We love you, too." Quinn and I said, in unison

We gave each other regretful looks for a moment, but we walk down the hall together.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We're sitting down when Mr. Schuester comes in.

"We're starting from scratch. Grab a stool." Mr. Schuester said

"So, we're a stool choir now?" Artie asked

"Nope. We're not dancing with the stools. No gimmicks. No false theatricality. We're just going to sit on them and sing." Mr. Schuester said

"Thanks, Mr. Schuester." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We are sitting on stools and singing the song "True Colors" onstage in the auditorium.

 **Tina:**  
You with the sad eyes  
Don't be discouraged  
Oh, I realize  
It's hard to take courage  
In a world full of people  
You can lose sight of it all  
And the darkness still inside you  
Can make you feel so small  
But I

 **Tina with New Directions:**  
See your true colors  
Shining through  
( **Tina:** I see your)  
True colors  
And that's why I love you

So, don't be afraid  
To let them show  
Your true colors  
True colors are beautiful

 **Tina:**  
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then  
Don't be unhappy  
Can't remember when  
I last saw you laughing  
If this world makes you crazy  
( **with New Directions:** And you've taken all you can bear)  
You call me up  
Because you know I'll be there  
And I'll see your

 **Tina with New Directions (New Directions):**  
( **Tina:** And I'll see your) true colors  
(Shining through) ( **Tina:** Yeah!)  
(I see your) true colors  
And that's why I love you  
( **Tina:** So,) don't be afraid (Be afraid)  
To let them show  
Your true colors  
True colors

 **Tina:**  
True colors are beautiful like a rainbow!


	11. Mattress

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Kurt comes rushing to the Glee room carrying a bunch of Thunderclaps.

"Where's Rachel?" Kurt asked

"She's not here yet." Finn said

"Perfect. Glee club stands on a delicate precipice. We have all felt the cold humiliation of a slushie in the face. But as of right now, our relative anonymity as a club shields us from more severe persecution: swirlies, patriotic wedgies..." Kurt started

"What's a patriotic wedgie?" I asked

"It's when they hoist you up the flag pole by your undies." Finn said

"Strangely, it did make me feel more American." Artie said

"Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo would only fuel the flames of anti-glee-club terror. I've done a little library research." Kurt said

He opens up the yearbook.

"Peter Gellar. Glee club second tenor, 1998. He can be seen here with both a drawn on Hitler mustache and rice paddy hat. Shortly after the yearbook came out, Mr. Gellar had a nervous breakdown. He is now the homeless man who sleeps in front of the public library." Kurt said

"Patches?" Quinn asked

"Patches." Kurt confirmed

"He barks at my mom." Brittany said

"Exhibit B: Tawny Peterson, glee club class of 2000, seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, in a macabre tableau that, in four years would prove eerily prescient. I think I speak for all of us when I say that not having to pose for a yearbook photo might be a blessing in disguise. I suggest not fighting Figgins' ruling." Kurt said

Mr. Schuester enters the room and walks over to us.

"Oh, hey, guys. Ah, looking at old Thunderclaps?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's really unsettling." Artie said

"And totally unfair. Hey, can I borrow one of these?" Mr. Schuester asked

He takes the yearbook from Kurt.

"You know what? This year's thunderclap is going to have a glee club photo with every one of your smiling faces. You have my word on it." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester leaves and we all exchange uneasy looks.

* * *

 _In the library_

Santana, Quinn, Brittany, and I walk into the library. Santana and Brittany are laughing and drawing on a copy of the Thunderclap.

"Oh, that's got the whole flag." Santana said

Quinn and I are sitting at a table looking at the Cheerios picture in the Thunderclap.

"I miss my Cheerios uniform. Made me feel safe, contained. Even when I was feeling left out, at least I looked like I was a part of something." I said

"I want our kids to be able to look back at these books and see who we were, make them proud. Not the bastard ones we're carrying now, of course, the ones we'll have when we're married and ready." Quinn said

"We might not look like the head cheerleaders anymore, but we're still them on the inside." I said

"I'm done playing the victim. When that cheerleading picture is taken for the yearbook, we're going to be in it and back on the squad, whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not." Quinn said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Kurt sits at piano and Rachel walks up to him.

"Kurt, I have a fantastic idea for a club that would officially make me the most involved student in the whole school. I want us to start a GayLesbAll." Rachel said

"I'm sorry?" Kurt said

"The gay-lesbian alliance. Gay-lesb-all." Rachel said

Kurt walks away, while Mr. Schuester walks in.

"Hey, guys! Great news! Glee Club gets a photo in the thunderclap." Mr. Schuester said

We all respond with fake enthusiasm, while Rachel beams with happiness.

"Yep. It's going to show everyone at the school that Glee Club is on its way up. When we win regionals, those claps are going to be collector's items. I mean, all of your classmates are going to be begging for your autographs. But, I had to compromise to do it. Um, we only get a quarter page in the back. Which means we have to pick two team captains to appear in the photo. So, tomorrow we're going to put it to a vote! Exciting, huh? All right!" Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _The next day_

"Well, we're all here. I guess we should vote." Mercedes said

Rachel stands.

"With your permission, I have prepared a few words." Rachel said

"I nominate Rachel." I said

"Second." Kurt said

"All right, let's vote up in this piece. I gotta go hit the gym and load up the guns of Puckerone for the football picture." Puck said

He passes around pieces of paper and I quickly scribble down Rachel's name, handing it to Mr. Schuester. Mr. Schuester counts the votes.

"Looks like everybody voted for Rachel. Including Rachel. But, we need two captains, guys." Mr. Schuester said

"Why two? We're fine with having Rachel represent us in the Thunderclap by herself." Quinn said

"We'd actually prefer it." I said

* * *

 _Later_

Rachel called us to the choir room for a meeting.

"I'd like to call this meeting to order." Rachel said

Finn walks into the room quickly.

"Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show." Rachel said

"Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the glee club photo, that they'd make me choose between a Hitler mustache or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks." Finn said

Finn looks at Quinn and me.

"Do you think I have a potato head?" Finn asked

"Okay, look, I realize now that all of you think that glee club is just a joke. Okay and you're convinced that we can't win, and you're content to just sit idle by until Figgins cancels the club. Well, I'm about to present to you a rare opportunity. The opportunity to become stars." Rachel said

"How?" Quinn asked

"We've all been cast in a local commercial." Rachel said

"Are you serious?" Finn asked

"Yes, Finn, and while all of you have been so concerned with your appearance in this school, I've landed glee club its first big break. Simply put, making us all celebrities. Okay and no one messes with celebrities or defaces their pictures." Rachel said

"What's the commercial?" Tina asked

"Hold on to your hats and get ready to sell... some mattresses!" Rachel said

"I'm getting a nice pair of black suspenders. Simple black." Artie said

"My mom's going to be really proud." Finn said to Quinn and me

"Let's do our camera face." Mercedes said to Kurt

* * *

 _At Mattress Land_

We are wearing pajamas, while doing our make-up and hair in front of the mirrors.

"I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!" Tina said

"You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon, there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now I want us to remember what it feels like to be here together as a team." Rachel said

"Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal. I'm not speaking to any of you." Mercedes said

The Mattress Land owner, Mr. Cusperberg, and his brother, Dennis, enter.

"Okay, guys, we're very excited to have you here. We here at mattress land believe that mattresses aren't just for sleeping and fornicating anymore. We believe that buying an affordable mattress should be fun." Mr. Cusperberg said

"All right, let's go over the script. I think it's pretty brilliant. I wrote it myself. Action!" Dennis said

Finn, Mercedes, Puck, and Rachel read from their scripts, badly.

"'Ah, me'." Finn read

"'What's wrong'?" Mercedes read

"'We just lost our jobs... at the factory, and we can't get a good night's sleep'." Puck read

"'Chipper up! Come on down to mattress land. We've got near-wholesale prices to fit your style and pocketbook'!" Rachel read

Rachel stops reading from the script.

"I-I'm sorry. Mr. Cusperberg, this script is brilliant, but we're a glee club, and we should perform." Rachel said

"Perform the lines as I wrote them." Dennis said

"Wait a minute, Dennis. What did you have in mind?" Mr. Cusperberg asked

We perform the song "Jump".

New Directions:  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa pa ra ra (Finn: Ow!)  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa pa ra ra

Finn  
I get up, and nothing gets me down

Finn with New Directions Boys:  
You got it tough  
I've seen the toughest around

Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
And I know, baby just how you feel!

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
You've got to roll with the punches  
To get to what's real

Artie with New Directions Boys (New Directions Girls):  
Oh can't you see me standing here  
I've got my back against the record machine  
I ain't the worst that you've seen (Ain't the worst that you've seen)  
Oh can't you see what I mean? (Oh can't you see what I mean?)

Mercedes:  
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah

Finn with New Directions:  
Might as well jump. Jump!  
Might as well jump.  
Go ahead, jump. Jump!

Finn and Mercedes with New Directions:  
Go ahead and jump

Mercedes:  
Yeah!

New Directions:  
Jump!

Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa pa ra ra  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa pa ra ra (Mercedes: Jump! Yeah!)

Finn with New Directions:  
Might as well jump. Jump!  
Might as well jump. Jump!  
Go ahead and jump. Jump! (Mercedes: Hey! Hey! Yeah!)  
Go ahead and jump. Jump!

New Directions:  
Pa pa pa pa pa pa ra pa pa ra ra

New Directions Girls (New Directions Boys):  
Jump (Oh), Jump (Oh), Jump (Oh), Jump

Mercedes:  
Yeah!

Mercedes with New Directions:  
JUMP!

"Come on down to mattress land!" Mr. Cusperberg said

"Come on down to mattress land!" We repeated

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"Coach Sylvester, we need to talk." I said

"Oh, I got nothing to say to you, preggos." Coach Sylvester said

"The Cheerios' photo's tomorrow, and we want back on that squad." I said

"Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was co-head cheerleaders who weren't going to hoist their legs behind their ears in the backseat of the first station wagon they could jimmy open, throwing away any chance they ever had in life." Coach Sylvester said

"It would be good for the school. Show everyone that appearances don't matter. That sometimes people have to deal with a little adversity. We learned that in Glee Club." Quinn said

"Well, that little educational proverb must have slithered from Will Schuester's mouth right after his lesson on how to disqualify yourselves from Sectionals." Coach Sylvester said

"What?" Quinn asked

"Saw your little commercial last night. Boy, did you Glee kids step in it." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

Quinn and I walk into the office, where Coach Sylvester is writing in her journal.

"Ms. Sylvester." Quinn said

"It's like looking at two porno stars in a nun's habit." Coach Sylvester said

"We wanted to show you that it still fits. Our baby bumps aren't that bad, it's just like we had big lunches." Quinn said

"Take them off. You need to get it through your pregnant heads, there's no way you're getting in that photo or back on the Cheerios. End of story." Coach Sylvester said

"You're a hypocrite." I said

"Excuse me?" Coach Sylvester asked

"We just heard that you got Glee Club's amateur status revoked over a mattress, while you are constantly showering the Cheerios with swag. We've gotten free shoes, complimentary tanning, haircuts; the season tickets to Cedar Point- we sold those on eBay for a profit. It seems to me that if Figgins found out, you would get banned from competition." I said

"Fine. You're back on the Cheerios. I'll put you two on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame." Coach Sylvester said

"We're not finished. Glee Club gets a full page photo." I said

"That's not up to me." Coach Sylvester said

"You are giving up one of the Cheerios' six pages and you are giving it to the Glee Club free of charge." Quinn said

"You know, Q, C, I'd forgotten just how ruthless you two really are. You're like young Sue Sylvesters. Now, get out of my office if you two can manage to squeeze through the door without your waters breaking all over my new carpet." Coach Sylvester said

"You know what? I don't think we want to be Cheerios after all. We don't want to be on a team where we only appear to belong." Quinn said

"We'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have us, like Glee Club." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"But, we don't want to go to sectionals without you." Artie said

Mr. Schuester just told us that he is suspended from Glee Club.

"It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys." Mr. Schuester said

"He's taking the bullet for us. Solid." Puck said

"We have worked too hard for you guys not to get your shot." Mr. Schuester said

"We can't do this without you, Mr. Shue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you." Finn said

"That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did 'Jump' for that commercial without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job." Mr. Schuester said

"We're really sorry, Mr. Shue." Rachel said

"I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that glee club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces." Mr. Schuester said

We all go to the bathrooms to get ready for the picture. Mr. Schuester watches us get our picture taken from the hallway, before walking away.


	12. Sectionals

**3rd POV**

 _In the choir room_

"I bet we get stuck with Mr. Sinacori as our sectionals advisor." Artie said

"Oh, the creepy math teacher?" Tina asked

"He's always singing when he walks down the halls." Kurt said

Rachel walks over to the piano where Artie, Tina, Mercedes, and Kurt are talking.

"Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Crystal and Quinn's aids during rehearsal yesterday?" Rachel asked

* * *

Flashback

Crystal POV

 _Quinn and I slip on sweat and fall during rehearsal._

 _"Is it the babies? Are they coming?" Finn asked_

 _"Think we're supposed to get hot towels." Puck said_

 _"Would you both just shut up! There's, like, sweat on the floor." Quinn said_

 _"We slipped, okay? We're fine!" I said_

* * *

Present

3rd POV

"No." Mercedes said

"I mean, he likes them. I mean, they're friends. We all know that." Artie said

"Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there." Rachel said

"Uh, we... We got to go." Mercedes said

"We have to practice." Rachel said

"Oh, and we will, as soon as Mr. Schuester names a faculty advisor to replace him." Kurt said

"There's nothing to be scared of. I mean, it... It's not like Carrie or anything." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Mercedes is talking to Tina on her phone.

"Hey. She's onto it." Mercedes said

"I know. It's really freaking me out. Hold up." Tina said

Tina's phone vibrates.

"Artie's buzzing in. I'm going party line." Tina said

"Dudes, this is serious. If she finds out, she's going to tell Finn. She's a total trout mouth." Artie said

"Kurt wants in." Tina said

Tina hands her phone to Kurt.

"I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement." Kurt said

"We can't. We need her to sing." Mercedes said

"Damn her talent." Kurt said

Santana and Brittany join the line.

"We just heard. Who told?" Santana asked

"We assumed it was you." Artie said

"Why would I do that?" Santana asked

"To get back at Puck. Aren't you guys dating?" Kurt asked

"Sex is not dating." Santana said

"If it were, Santana and I would be dating." Brittany said

"Look, I don't want to rock the boat. Since Quinn and Crystal got pregnant, I'm top dog around here." Santana said

"Hold up. Rachel's walking by." Mercedes said

Rachel walks by Mercedes.

"Hey, hot mama! She's gone. Look, I know I screwed up telling all you guys about Quinn, Crystal, and Puck, and I feel really terrible about it, but we cannot let Rachel figure this out. If she tells Finn, he's going to flip." Mercedes said

"And then, we really have no chance at sectionals." Kurt said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Crystal POV

Quinn and I are standing at Quinn's locker, when Rachel comes up to us.

"Hey. I know it's not my place, but have you had your doctors run the full genetic test panel on your unborn children? I only ask because my cousin, Leon, and his wife got pregnant, and then they found out that he was a carrier for Tay-Sachs." Rachel said

"What's that?" Quinn asked

"It's a genetic disorder, pretty terrible from what I understand. If one of the parents is a carrier, then there's, like, a 50% chance that the child has it or something like that. No, Leon's... Leon's baby was fine. It was still pretty scary, though." Rachel said

"Our doctors never mentioned that." I said

"You know... I'm such an idiot. They would only run the test if one of the parents was Jewish. Yeah, only Jews carry the gene." Rachel said

"Oh." I said

 _'Oh shit!'_

"Okay, I'll see you in rehearsal." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"You have to take us to go get those Jewish baby tests." I said

"Why? Is that even a real thing?" Puck asked

"Because, if something is wrong with the babies, Terri Schuester isn't going to take them. And we can't ask Finn. He'll know something's up." Quinn said

"Does this have to happen tonight? Because I have my fight club." Puck said

Mr. Schuester walks in with Ms. Pillsbury.

"Hey, guys? Let's, uh... Let's gather 'round. Well... I have found my replacement. So, give it up for Ms. Pillsbury." Mr. Schuester said

"She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker." Brittany said

"So, do you even know anything about music?" Santana asked

"Well... What's important is that she cares about you guys every bit as much as I do. Now... I-I don't know what the future holds for me, and for us, but I know, Saturday, you're going to make me proud. You guys are going to be great. So... Good-bye for now." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait. What about our set list?" Mercedes asked

"I... I can't help you with that. You've got to figure that out for yourselves. All right, guys." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, we have to do 'Proud Mary' in wheelchairs. That's in." Artie said

"And 'Don't Stop Believing', for sure." Finn said

"What about the ballad?" Tina asked

"I would be thrilled to contribute a ballad from my repertoire." Rachel said

I roll my eyes as Rachel stands up.

"Okay, you know what, Miss Bossy Pants? Enough. I've worked just as hard as you, and I'm just as good as you. You know, you always end up stealing the spotlight." Mercedes said

"Mercedes, do you honestly think you're as strong of a balladeer as I am?" Rachel asked

Mercedes turns around and mouths 'balladeer?', while we all shrug at her.

"Okay, um, Rachel? Why don't you let Mercedes give it a try?" Ms. Pillsbury offered

"Thanks, Ms. P." Mercedes said

"Okay. Rachel." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Do I even need to tell you what song? Horns, strings, keep up." Mercedes said

Mercedes performs "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going".

We all cheer for Mercedes during and after the song.

"Thoughts?" Mercedes asked, panting

Rachel stands up and goes over to Mercedes.

"It's clear the room adores you. And, although it wouldn't be my first choice, well, I can't wait to see you sing that song at sectionals. You're amazing, Mercedes, and you deserve it. I'm going to hug you now." Rachel said

"Okay. Come on." Mercedes said

The two girls hug.

* * *

 _Later_

Finn comes rushing into the choir room with Rachel on his heels and starts punching Puck. Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury enter the room, and Mr. Schuester separates Puck and Finn with the help of Matt and Mike.

"Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey." Mr. Schuester said

"Tell the truth!" Finn yelled

"Punk just walked in and sucker punched me." Puck said

"Don't play dumb– you're too freaking dumb to play dumb!" Finn exclaimed

"Come on!" Mr. Schuester said

"Who told you this, Finn?" Quinn asked

"Obviously, it was Rachel." I said

"What? I didn't do anything." Rachel said

I give her a death glare. _'Can't she just but her big nose out of my business?'_

"Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear it from all three of you." Finn said

He glares daggers at Puck's direction.

"Finn, just calm down." Mr. Schuester said

"No! They're all lying to me!" Finn exclaimed

Finn calms down a little bit.

"Is it true? Just tell me– is it true?" Finn asked

"Yes. Puck is the father." I said, sobbing

"So, all... All that stuff in the hot tub... You just made that up?" Finn asked

"You were stupid enough to buy it." Puck said

Finn tries to launch himself at Finn but Mr. Schuester holds him back.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey." Mr. Schuester said

"We are so sorry." Quinn said, sobbing

"Screw this. I'm done with you. I'm done with... I'm done with all of you!" Finn exclaimed

He kicks a chair over before leaving the room.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are sitting on a ledge seat, when Rachel walks up to us.

"I'm so sorry. I fully understand if you want to beat me up. If you can, just try to avoid my nose." Rachel said

"We're not mad at you." Quinn said

"All you did was what we weren't brave enough to do, tell the truth." I said

"I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you three up, so he would want to be with me." Rachel said

"And now none of us have him. We have hurt so many people." Quinn said

"Can you go now? We just really want to be alone." I said

Rachel leaves and Puck walks over to us.

"Hey. So, I know you're upset now, but I want to be with you. And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our babies." Puck said

"Thanks. But we honestly can't handle any more stress in our lives right now." Quinn said

"We're going to do this on our own. We know you don't understand it, but please respect it." I said

Puck looks hurt but he leaves. Quinn and I lean our heads against the wall and sigh.

* * *

 _At Sectionals_

"Okay. So, smooth sailing so far, we're all signed in and, um, according to the program, you have drawn performance slot number three." Ms. Pillsbury said

"We're going last? Isn't that bad?" Tina asked

Rachel stands up.

"Hardly. This is good news. My extensive auditioning for community theater has taught me that we either want to go first or last. If we're first, then everyone has to measure up to us, and if we're last, then we're freshest in the judges' minds." Rachel said

"And did you ever get any of those parts?" I asked

Rachel's smile fades.

"I'm with Rachel on this. The glass is definitely half full of some very good things right now." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Yeah, Ms. Pillsbury's right. I mean, we're here now, right? No reason not to go in with some positive mojo." Mercedes said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

The Jane Addams show choir performs "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going".

"It's a really popular song." Rachel said to Mercedes

She was trying to comfort Mercedes, but was failing miserably. Then they perform "Proud Mary" in wheelchairs. _'WHEELCHAIRS! Coincidence my ass.'_

* * *

 _Later_

The Haverbrook show choir performs "Don't Stop Believin'". Rachel stands up.

"Meeting in the green room in five minutes." Rachel whisper-shouted

Rachel storms away and we all follow.

* * *

 _In the green room_

"You leaked the set list, you don't want to be here. You were just Sue Sylvester's little moles." Kurt said to Santana and Brittany

"I know for a fact that's true. Sue asked us to spy for her." I said

"Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list." Santana said

"Well... I-I did, but I didn't know what she was going to do with it." Brittany said

We all sigh.

"Okay, look, believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you ever tell anyone this I'll deny it, but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't going to go and mess it up." Santana said

She sits down.

"I believe you. Okay, look, guys, there's no point in us arguing anymore. We-we have go on in an hour." Rachel said

"And we have no songs." Tina said

"Perhaps I could improvise some of my def poetry jams." Artie said

"No. Look, we're going to do this the right way. Let's start with the ballad. Mercedes, do you have anything else in your repertoire?" Rachel asked

"Yeah, but it's not as good as anything you're going to sing." Mercedes said

"No, we, we agreed..." Rachel started

"We agreed that I would sing 'And I'm Telling You', and that ain't happening. Look, Rachel, the truth is you're the best singer that we've got." Mercedes said

"As much as it hurts me to admit it, and it does, she's right. Rachel's our star. If anyone is going to go belt it on the fly, it should be her." Kurt said

"Well, I do have something that I've been working on since I was four." Rachel said

"Then I guess we have our ballad, and we can close with 'Somebody to Love'. It's a real crowd-pleaser." Quinn said

"Yeah, that and a can of soup will guarantee us third place. We still need another song we can all sing together." Puck said

Finn walks in the room holding a stack of papers.

"I have one. I found the sheet music online. I used the Cheerios' copier to make copies and then I trashed the thing." Finn said

Finn places the sheet music on the table.

"Mike, Matt, Brittany, Santana, you're our best dancers. figure something out and we'll all follow your lead." Finn said

"It's going to be choppy." Mike said

"Good. We're best when we're loose. Look, all we have going for us is that we believe in ourselves and what we're singing about. If we can show the judges that... We might have a shot at this thing." Finn said

"It's good to have you back, Finn." Rachel said

"You cool if I take my spot back?" Finn asked Jacob

Jacob only came to fill in for Finn.

"Quite. I was just here because I was hoping to get into Rachel's pants." Jacob said

"We cool, dude?" Puck asked

"No." Finn said

"Finn..." Quinn and I started

Finn ignores us and goes over to Rachel.

"You okay?" Rachel asked

"Don't worry about me. Okay, this is all up to you now. You wanted the solo, you wanted the chance to be the star. This is your chance. Don't screw it up." Finn said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _"_ And now our final team McKinley High's New Directions!" The emcee announced

Rachel performs "Don't Rain On My Parade".

When Rachel sang "I'll march my band out" we all came out from the back of the auditorium. We made out way to the stage and stood behind her.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the New Directions." Rachel introduced

The crowd sits down and we all perform "You Can't Always Get What You Want".

Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions:  
You can't always get what you want  
You can't always get what you want  
But if you try sometimes, you'll find

New Directions:  
You get what you need

Finn:  
I saw her today at the reception  
A glass of wine in her hand  
Oh, I knew she was gonna meet her connection  
At her feet was a footloose man  
No, you can't

Rachel with New Directions:  
You can't always get what you want (Finn: Oh, no, no, you can't)  
You can't always get what you want (Finn: What you want)  
You can't always get what you want (Finn: You can't always get what you want)  
But if you try sometimes

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
Well, you just might find  
You get what you need (Mercedes: Hey, yeah!)

Rachel (and Finn):  
And I went down to the demonstration  
To get my fair share of abuse  
(Singing, we're)  
Gonna vent our frustration  
(If we don't we're gonna blow)  
A 50-amp fuse (Finn: a 50-amp fuse)  
(Sing it to me, now)

New Directions  
You can't always get what you want (Mercedes: Oh, Yeah, Yeah!) (Artie: No, no, no, no)

Mercedes with New Directions:  
You can't always get what you want (Mercedes: No, no, no, no)

New Directions:  
You can't always get what you want (Rachel: Ooh) (Artie: Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Rachel with New Directions:  
But if you try sometimes, well,

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
You just might find  
You get what you need (Mercedes: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Rachel:  
You can't always get what you want (Artie: Ooh, ooh)

New Directions:  
Get what you need

Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions:  
Oh yeah what you need! (Mercedes: Yeah!)

Artie:  
What you need!

New Directions:  
Get

Artie and Rachel with New Directions:  
What you (and Mercedes: need!)

* * *

 _Outside the judges room_

Artie is listening through the wall using a glass cup.

"It doesn't sound good, guys." Artie said

Ms. Hitchens walks over to us.

"Hey, um... I just wanted to say how great you all were, and I thought you were amazing." Ms. Hitchens said

"We have nothing to say to you." Rachel said

"Because we cheated, I know. I feel terrible about it, but I'm going to tell the judges right now that we don't deserve to win." Ms. Hitchens said

Ms. Hitchens goes over to the door when it opens, the judges coming out.

"And your e-mail addresses?" Rod Remington asked

"You guys were so much fun to watch. You should be very proud." Candace Dystra said

We all smile.

"Get me the hell out of here." Donna Landries said

"Um, excuse me, um, I have something I need to tell you." Ms. Hitchens said

"I'm sorry, we've made our decision." Rod said

The judges leave and we all sigh in disappointment.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Shue." Finn said

We are all standing in front of Artie who is holding our first place trophy on his lap.

"The first..." Finn started

We all move out of the way to show Mr. Schuester the trophy. We all celebrate the win.

"I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans that were going on behind the scenes. So... Congratulations. You earned this. Give it up! Come on! All right! But, now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that Vocal Adrenaline is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started." Mr. Schuester said

"Uh, wait, Mr. Shue. There's one more thing." Puck said

"Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, we put together a special number just for you. Take a seat!" Rachel said

Finn pushes Mr. Schuester into the seat in the front of the room. We perform "My Life Would Suck Without You" for Mr. Schuester.

New Directions:  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la

Rachel:  
Guess this means you're sorry  
You're standing at my door  
Guess this means you take back  
All you said before  
Like how much you wanted, anyone but me  
Said you'd never come back  
But here you are again

Rachel with New Directions (New Directions):  
'Cause we belong together now, yeah  
Forever united here somehow, yeah  
You got a piece of me and honestly  
My life (My life) would suck (Would suck) without you

Rachel with Finn:  
I know that I've got issues  
But you're pretty messed up too  
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you

Rachel with New Directions (Rachel):  
'Cause we belong together now, yeah (Now Yeah)  
Forever united here somehow, yeah  
You got a piece of me and honestly  
My life (My life) would suck (Would suck) without you (Without you... Yeah...)  
'Cause we belong together now, yeah (Together now)  
Forever united here (Somehow), yeah  
You got a piece of me and honestly  
My life (My life) would suck (Would suck) without you (You)


	13. Hell-O

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

"I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying, please stop supersizing cause I don't dig on fat chicks." Puck said

"We're pregnant." Quinn said

"And that's my fault?" Puck asked

"Yes!" I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester draws a stick figure on whiteboard with speech bubble that says, "HELLO". Mr. Schuester points at the drawing.

"Hello." Mr. Schuester said

We all look at him confused.

"Helloooo?" Mr. Schuester said

"Hello." We all mumble, while Rachel said it loudly

"What do you guys say when you answer the phone?" Mr. Schuester asked

"What up?" Mercedes said

"Who dis be?" Artie said

"No, she's dead, this is her son." Kurt said

"Okay. Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, liked to say, 'ahoy, ahoy' when he answered the phone. It was Edison who decided that 'hello' was a more appropriate greeting." Mr. Schuester said

We all stare at Mr. Schuester.

"Look. I am really proud of what you guys did at sectionals. But, as most of you have realized by now, it hasn't made a bit of difference in your day-to-day at school." Mr. Schuester said

"I have a slushie-stained training bra to prove it." Rachel said

"You still wear training bras?" I asked

"Yeah... so?" Rachel said

"Fact is, we're going to have to be better, even more spectacular at regionals. It's time for some reinvention, some new, New Directions. We need a new... hello. Here's your assignment for the week: Come up with a fresh number, but it has to have 'hello' in the song title. Alright?" Mr. Schuester said

Rachel smiles broadly at Finn, who smiles nervously back. The bell rings, signaling the end of the period.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are walking down the hall when we spot Puck flirting with a cheerleader. Quinn grabs Puck's arm and pulls him away, with me walking next to them. We stop at my locker and start arguing.

* * *

 _Later_

Finn sings "Hello, I Love You" and we all cheer for him.

"And that, fellow glee clubbers, is how we say, 'hello'." Rachel said

Mr. Schuester smiles and Rachel walks toward him.

"Mr. Schuester, I'd like to run some of my hello ideas by you." Rachel; said

Brittany and Santana share a conspiratory look before linking pinkies and walking over to Finn Quinn and I notice and give each other nervous looks.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel is sitting by herself in the back. Finn is sitting with Brittany and Santana.

"Well, obviously Hawaiian pizza is the best because it's got ham AND pineapple on it, right?" Finn said

"Mmhmm, oh god, both, it's so good." Santana and Brittany said

"So it's better than most pizzas." Finn said

Mr. Schuester enters the room.

"Alright, guys, we gotta get moving on those 'hello' numbers. Who has got something to show us? Volunteers?" Mr. Schuester asked

Rachel raises her hand.

"Mr. Schuster, I think I've found a song that sums up my feelings perfectly." Rachel said

"Fantastic, Rachel. Show us what you got." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel walks to the front of the choir room and nods to band. She starts singing "Gives You Hell".

Rachel:  
I wake up every evening  
With a big smile on my face  
And it never feels out of place

When you see my face  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence, love?  
And where's that shiny car?  
Did it ever get you far?  
You never seem so tense, love  
I never seen you fall so hard  
Do you know where you are?

And truth be told I miss you  
And truth be told I'm lying (New Directions: Ooooh!)

Rachel with New Directions (New Directions Girls):  
When you see my face  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell  
When you walk my way  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell  
If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well (Treats you well)  
Then he's a fool you're just as well  
Hope it gives you hell

Rachel with New Directions harmonizing:  
Now you'll never see  
What you've done to me  
You can take back your memories  
They're no good to me  
And here's all your lies  
You can look me in the eyes  
With the sad, sad look  
That you wear so well

New Directions (New Directions Girls):  
When you see my face  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell  
When you walk my way  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell  
If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well (Treats you well)  
Then he's a fool you're just as well  
Hope it gives you hell

Rachel with New Directions (New Directions):  
When you see my face  
Hope it gives you hell I hope it gives you hell (Hope it gives you hell)  
When you walk my way  
Hope it gives you hell  
Hope it gives you hell (Hope it gives you hell)  
When you hear this song  
And you sing along well you'll never tell (You'll never tell)  
Then you're the fool I've just as well  
Hope it gives you hell (Gives you hell)  
When you hear this song  
I hope that it will give you hell (Give you hell)  
You can sing along  
I hope that he will treat you...

Rachel:  
...Well

Rachel sings to Finn, eventually we all join Rachel in dancing, except for Finn and Kurt. Mr. Schuester rolls his eyes in the background.

"Guys." Mr. Schuester said

We all ignore him.

"Guys, guys, I don't want to be a buzzkill but the assignment was 'hello'." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm sorry, I was just focusing on the FIRST syllable." Rachel said

Rachel looks back at Finn.

"You know what? I don't think you guys understand the seriousness of what we're up against. While we were busy winning our sectional, Vocal Adrenaline was busy winning theirs. They're last year's national champions. They haven't lost a competition in three years. This is the big leagues, guys. If we don't place at Regionals, Glee Club is over." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel looks remorseful.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _We sing the song "Hello, Goodbye"._

Finn (and Rachel):  
You say yes  
I say no  
(You say stop)  
(I say go, go, go!)  
(Oh no!)

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
You say goodbye and I say hello  
Hello, hello!  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello  
Hello, hello!  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Finn (New Directions):  
You say yes (I say yes)  
I say no (But I may mean no)

Finn and Rachel (New Directions):  
You say stop (I can stay)  
And I say go, go, go (Till it's time to go!)  
Oh no!

Finn and Rachel with New Directions (New Directions):  
You say goodbye and I say hello (Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!)  
Hello, hello  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello (Hello, goodbye!)  
(Hello) Hello, hello (Hello) (Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!) (Rachel: Hello!)  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello (Hello, goodbye!)  
(Hello) Hello, hello (Hello) (Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!)  
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello (Oh, oh)

Finn and Rachel:  
Hello (New Directions: Oh, oh)  
Hello...

Rachel walks off stage immediately after the song. Finn looks after her.


	14. The Power of Madonna

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Us girls are sitting around in chairs. Quinn is drawing an unflattering sketch of Rachel, complete with the word "LOSER" across the top of the page and several love hearts scattered around.

"Can I ask you guys something private?" Rachel asked

"Yes, you should move to Israel." Santana said

"It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item, and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone." Rachel said

Mr. Schuester enters the room.

"Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic. And then he said... we should... do... it." Rachel said

Rachel blushes.

"What if then he got really crabby and left, and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball?" Rachel asked

"Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my and Genny's babies." Quinn said

"I just want to be ready; I know I'm getting older, and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying 'no'?" Rachel asked

"Just do what I do. Never say 'no'." Santana said

"Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Sorry, Quinn and Crystal." Brittany said

"Look, girl, don't ask me. The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown. And I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying 'no'." Mercedes said

"We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie... he told me to get rid of the 'Vampire make-up' and I have to work for it if I want to be with him." Tina said

"That's got to sting." Rachel said

"Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?" Mr. Schuester asked

"You wouldn't understand, Mr. Shue." Quinn said

"You're a guy." I said

"Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury." Mr. Schuester suggested

"I tried that." Rachel said

The school bell rings, and we all start to leave.

"The fact is is that women still earn 70 cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school." I said

* * *

 _Later_

We are all in the choir room. Mr. Schuester writes "Madonna" on the white board.

"What comes to mind when you see that name?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Genius." Rachel said

"Icon." Kurt said

"Hall of Fame MILF." Puck said

"So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance, which is why this week, your assignment is to come up with a Madonna number." Mr. Schuester said

All us girls gasp and squeal with delight. Rachel applauds, while Mercedes and Tina high-five.

"Uh, Mr. Shue? As a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable." Puck said

"Yeah, she's smokin' and everything, but can't some of us do something else? Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera?" Finn asked

The boys murmur in agreement.

"Guys! You know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic." Mr. Schuester said

"I have no idea what that means." Finn said

"When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist." Brittany said

"What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music, because by and large, the subtext of her songs are about being strong, independent and-and confident, no matter what your sex. But more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I think you guys need to work on." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Shue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Ms. Ciccone without acknowledging that her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multi-media project. With Mercedes." Kurt said

"Great. Go for it, Kurt." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm still not down. And no chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir." Puck said

"Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more." Rachel said

Rachel stands and whispers something in the ears of the band. She walks to the middle of the room and starts singing "Express Yourself". When the song starts, all us girls excitedly stand up and join her.

" _Come on girls, do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it. And it goes something like this._ " Rachel sang

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _I am wearing an orange corset that hid my bump perfectly. We perform "Express Yourself" while the boys sit in the audience and look bored and/or confused, except for Kurt, who encourages us.  
_

Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
Don't go for second best baby  
Put your love to the test

Mercedes with New Directions Girls:  
You know, you know, you've got to  
Make him express  
How he feels and maybe then  
You'll know your love is real

Crystal:  
You don't need diamond rings  
Or eighteen karat gold

Quinn (with New Directions Girls):  
Fancy cars that (Go very fast you know)  
(They never last, no, no)

Mercedes (with New Directions Girls):  
What you need is a big strong hand to  
(Lift you to your higher ground)  
Make you feel like a queen on a throne make him  
(Love you till you can't come down)

Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
Don't go for second best baby  
Put your love to the test

Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
You know, you know, you've got to  
Make him express  
How he feels and maybe then  
You'll know your love is real

Tina with New Directions Girls:  
And when you're gone  
He might regret it

Mercedes and Santana with New Directions Girls:  
Think about the love he once had

Tina with New Directions Girls:  
Try to carry on  
But he just won't get it

Mercedes and Santana with New Directions Girls:  
(Rachel: Heeey) He'll be back on his knees so please

Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
(New Directions Girls: Don't go for second best) Baby,  
Put your love to the test  
You know, you know, you've got to  
Make him express how he feels (Mercedes: oh oh oh, oh oh oh)  
And maybe then you'll know your love is real (Santana: Your love is real)  
Express yourself (Mercedes: Let him know your love is real)

New Directions Girls:  
You've got to make him  
Express himself (Santana: Baby)  
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Rachel with New Directions Girls:  
(Mercedes: Put your love to the test)  
So if you want it right now  
Make him show you how (Mercedes: Make him express how he feels)  
Express what he's got  
Oh baby ready or not

New Directions Girls:  
Express yourself.

At the end of the number, Mr. Schuester and Kurt applaud.

"That's what I'm talking about. All right!" Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester just introduced Jesse as the newest member of the New Directions.

"What the hell?! It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings." Finn said

"I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me." Jesse said

"We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope at ever getting a solo." Kurt said

Kurt glares at Jesse.

"Yeah, that's right. And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?" Mercedes asked

"He's a spy, Mr. Shue. I would know." Santana said

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents..." Mr. Schuester started

"They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call." Jesse said

Finn makes a face.

"Jessie just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now." Mr. Schuester said

"But this isn't fair." Artie said

"Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay, to suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair." Mr. Schuester said, angrily

Brittany raises her hand.

"Brittany." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Shue, is he your son?" Brittany asked

I laugh and Mr. Schuester just looks at Brittany.

"I don't understand why you're doing this." Rachel said

"Because when you love something, you got to go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you." Jesse said

"All right, guys, we have got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here. Welcome aboard." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester shakes Jesse's hand.

"Okay! from the top." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the gym_

"Five, six, seven, eight!" Coach Sylvester said

The Cheerios, with Kurt and Mercedes, perform "4 Minutes" in front of the school.

I smile at the two, glad they were finally getting the attention they deserve. Mr. Schuester looks displeased to see them there. At the end of the performance, they receive a standing ovation.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We perform "Like A Prayer" with a church choir backing us up.

Rachel:  
Life is a mystery  
Everyone must stand alone  
I hear you call my name  
And it feels like home

Finn and Rachel with New Directions:  
When you call my name  
It's like a little prayer  
I'm down on my knees  
I wanna take you there  
In the midnight hour  
I can feel your power  
Just like a prayer  
You know I'll take you there

Finn:  
I hear your voice  
It's like an angel sighing

Kurt:  
I have no choice, I hear your voice  
Feels like flying

Mercedes:  
I close my eyes  
Oh God, I think I'm falling  
Out of the sky, I close my eyes  
Let the choir sing  
Ooh

Finn and Rachel with New Directions and The Choir:  
When you call my name  
It's like a little prayer  
I'm down on my knees  
I wanna take you there  
In the midnight hour  
I can feel your power  
Just like a prayer  
You know I'll take you there

New Directions and The Choir (Mercedes):  
Just like a prayer, I'll take you there (Like a prayer) (Mercedes and Rachel: I'll take you there!)  
It's like a dream to me (Ohh)  
Just like a prayer (Just like) (Mercedes: Ooh)  
Your voice can take me there (A prayer) (Mercedes: Ooh)  
Just like a muse to me (Your voice can take me there)  
You are a mystery (Mercedes: Take you there, take you there)

Rachel (The Choir):  
Just like a dream (Just like)  
You are not what you seem (A prayer)  
Just like a prayer

Finn, Mercedes, and Rachel with New Directions and The Choir (Mercedes):  
No choice, your voice can take me there (Yeah)


	15. Home

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave. We can't use the auditorium for the next week." Mr. Schuester said

"But that's garbage. How are we supposed to practice for Regionals without the auditorium?" Finn asked

"The Cheerios need it to practice in. There's nothing I can do." Mr. Schuester said

"I recommend a sit-in." Rachel said

She stands up.

"I recommend we torch the place." Puck said

"No. Look, we've all faced adversity before and come out stronger on the other end. I'm gonna check out a few off-site locations for us to use just for the week. I promise I'll find us a new home." Mr. Schuester said

The bell rings and we all leave to go to class.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"A roller rink?" Tina asked

"Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981 for being totally lame?" Santana asked

"Come on, 's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free." Mr. Schuester said

" ? If I may?" Kurt said

Kurt walks to the front of the room.

"The New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how if we find that place within we will get that happy ending." Kurt said

Kurt begins singing "A House Is Not A Home".

* * *

 _In the nurse's office_

Mercedes had fainted at lunch and she is now in the nurse's office, Quinn and I are sitting with her.

"Your blood pressure's low. Maybe that's why you mom will be here soon.I'll go and get you some ginger ale." The nurse said

She walks away and I walk up to Mercedes with a granola bar.

"Thanks. I'm not hungry." Mercedes said

"Yes, you are. You're starving." I said

"We know. We've been there." Quinn said

She walks over to me and Mercedes.

"Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?" I asked

"Yeah. How'd you know?" Mercedes asked

"Been there. Eat the granola bar." I said

Mercedes reluctantly eats the granola bar.

"Why are you two being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't 'you' and 'suck'." Mercedes said

"'Cause we were you, scared. Hating ourselves for eating a cookie. But we got over it." Quinn said

"Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde With the White Girl Ass." Mercedes said

"When you start eating for somebody else so that they can grow and be healthy your relationship to food changes." Quinn said

"What we realized is that if we're so willing to eat right to take care of these babies why are we not willing to do it for ourselves?" I said

"You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you." Quinn said

"I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me. How did I become this person?" Mercedes asked, crying

"You are beautiful. You know that." Quinn said

"We're gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?" I said

* * *

 _In the gym_

The Cheerios are ready to perform when Mercedes walks up to a microphone.

"I'm Mercedes Jones. So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning, Iooking hot and being popular. Well, I think that it should be about something different. How many of you at this school feel fat?" Mercedes asked

Quinn and I raise our hands.

"How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much?" Mercedes asked

Quinn and I keep our hands in the air.

"Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today. And that just ain't right. And we've got something to say about it. And if you like what we have to say come down here and sing it with us." Mercedes said

Mercedes begins singing "Beautiful".

Mercedes:  
Ooooooooh yeah, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah  
Every day is so wonderful  
And suddenly it's hard to breathe  
Now and then I get insecure  
From all the pain  
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say  
Words can't bring me down  
I am beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no

Mercedes with WMHS Students:  
So don't you bring me down today

WMHS Students:  
No matter what we do

Mercedes and WMHS Students:  
No matter what we do

WMHS Students:  
No matter what we say

Mercedes and WMHS Students:  
No matter what we say

WMHS Students:  
We're the song that's outta tune  
Full of beautiful mistakes

Mercedes:  
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

WMHS Students:  
And everywhere we go

Mercedes:  
And everywhere we go

WMHS Students:  
The sun will always shine (Mercedes: The sun will always, always shine)  
But tomorrow we might awake over on the other side

Mercedes and WMHS Students:  
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say  
Yes, words won't bring us down (Mercedes: Oh, no, oh, oh, oh)  
We are beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words can't bring us down (Mercedes: Oh, oh, oh)

Mercedes:  
So don't you bring me down today oh, oh, oh, oh, oh  
Don't you bring me down today hey, yeah, oh  
Don't you bring me down today

In the end, everyone claps for Mercedes, and Mercedes and Kurt hug.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"And I've got you to thank." April said

We all walk into the choir room.

"Did you tell him yet?" I asked

"Tell me what?" Mr. Schuester asked

"That I bought y'all the auditorium." April said

We all cheer.

"What?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I wrote ol' Figgins a check this 's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion." April said

"I- I don't know what to say." Mr. Schuester said

"We've got that covered." I said

We all go into the auditorium and sing "Home".

April (New Directions):  
When I think of home, I think of a place  
Where there's love overflowing  
I wish I was home, I wish I was back there  
With the things I've been knowing

Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning  
Suddenly the raindrops that fall have a meaning  
Sprinkling the scene  
Makes it all clean

Maybe there's a chance for me to go back  
Now that I have some direction  
It sure would be nice to be back home  
Where there's love and affection

Then just maybe I can convince time to slow up  
Givin' me enough time in my life to grow up  
Time be my friend (Let me start again)  
Let me start again

Living here in this brand new realm (Brand new realm)  
Might be a fantasy, ohh (Fantasy, ohh)  
But it taught me to love  
So it's real, real, real to me

And I've learned we must look  
Look inside our hearts to find  
Yeah, a world full of love (World full of love)  
Like yours, like mine (Like mine)

April with New Directions:  
Like home!  
Home!


	16. Bad Reputation

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester just showed us the list, well the Glist.

"Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club." Mr. Schuester said

"Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck." Santana said

"Back off. I didn't do squat." Puck said

"Then why is your girlfriends first on the Glist?" Tina asked

"And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you." Rachel said

"Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting stuff on fire and beating up people I don't know. I own that. But I'm not a liar." Puck said

"Alright, here's the important point. Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation." Mr. Schuester said

"Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet." Artie said

"Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester starts handing out sheet music.

"Man, this song is wack." Mercedes said

"No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this mine them for what works and make them great again and then, hopefully, you can apply this musical lesson to your own lives." Mr. Schuester said

"This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking." Jesse said

"You wanna bet? Hit it!" Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester starts sing "Ice Ice Baby".

Will:  
Yo, VIP  
Let's kick it

New Directions:  
Ice Ice Baby  
Ice Ice Baby

Will (with New Directions):  
All right stop, collaborate and (listen)  
Ice is back with a brand new invention  
Something grabs ahold of me tightly  
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly  
(Will it ever stop?) Yo, I don't know  
Turn off the lights, huh, and I'll glow  
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal  
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle  
(Dance) bum rush the speakers that booms  
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom  
(Deadly) When I play a dope melody  
Anything less than the best is a felony  
(Love it or leave it) You better gain way  
You better hit bull's eye (The kid don't play)  
If there was a problem, (yo) I'll solve it  
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

New Directions:  
Ice Ice Baby  
Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby

Will (with New Directions):  
Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical (poet)  
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't (know it)  
My town, that created all the bass sound  
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground  
'Cause my style's like a chemical (spill)  
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and (feel)  
Conducted and formed, this is a hell of a concept  
We make it hype and you want to step (with this)  
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja  
Cut like a razor blade so fast  
Other DJs say ("Damn")  
If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the (gram)  
Keep my composure when it's time to get loose  
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice  
If there was a problem, (yo, I'll solve it)  
Check out the hook while DJ revolves it

New Directions:  
Ice Ice Baby  
Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby  
Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby  
Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby  
Too cold, too cold  
Ice Ice Ice Ice

Will:  
Yo man, let's get out of here  
Word to your mother

"This song is officially paroled! Right, Jesse?" Mr. Schuester said

"You got me." Jesse said

"Jesse could've done it better, but you did it really good." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

A guy from the film club is setting up a screen.

"Another week has almost passed. If a list goes up again later today, this issue is out of my hands and it becomes Principal Figgins's jurisdiction." Mr. Schuester said

"Seriously, Mr. Schue, whoever made that list is not gonna come forward. We might as well just bend over and take whatever's coming." Finn said

"Fine. Okay. Well, then, uh, let's get to it. Rachel, how 'bout you show us your bad reputation project?" Mr. Schuester said

"I'd like to say a few words first." Rachel said

Rachel stands up and I roll my eyes.

"Though I understand that a motion picture should stand on its own I do realize that some of you are not well-versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over some of the heads of our less-cultured teammates. So let me just say I hope you enjoy my bad reputation. Lights." Rachel said

The lights are turned off.

"Okay, go." Rachel said

She sits back down.

Rachel's video starts and it's her singing "Run Joey Run". While the video plays it seems like three guys are fighting over Rachel. It also seems like they are all in love with her. When the video finishes we all start clapping, except for Puck, Finn, and Jesse. When the lights come back on, I see Jesse, Puck, and Finn staring at Rachel in disbelief.

"Well, why don't we just, um, take a moment to really absorb what we've just watched?" Rachel asked

"This is garbage!" Finn yelled

"Finn!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"No, he's right. I need to trust my instincts more because I had a feeling when we were shooting that that it was not gonna be good." Puck said

"Why didn't you tell me they were in this too? I thought you and I were going out. Being triple cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend it's mortifying." Jesse said

"It was an artistic statement." Rachel defended

"No, it wasn't. It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot, slutty girl singer! How could you do this to me, to all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than your relationships?" Finn asked

Finn storms out and Jesse follows suit.

"Jesse, wait." Rachel called

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester calls me and Quinn into the choir room. We sit in the chairs and wait for him to speak.

"I know you're behind the Glist." Mr. Schuester said

"You have no proof." I said, immediately

"I can't believe that you're gonna pin this on us. We'll be expelled." Quinn said

"I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from us, our popularity, our bodies. Might as well throw away our educations." I said

"You know when I realized that you did it?" Mr. Schuester asked

We look at him.

"The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation but only seconds to destroy it. Couple bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom." Mr. Schuester said

He bends down to our level.

"You have lost so much, Crystal, Quinn which means you two had the most to gain from the Glist." Mr. Schuester said

"We never meant to hurt anybody." Quinn said

"I know." Mr. Schuester said

"We were co-captains of the cheerleading squad, president and vice president of the Celibacy Club. We had Finn." I said

"People would part like the Red Sea when we walked down the hallway. Now we're invisible." Quinn said

"And you think being seen as two cheap tramps is better?" Mr. Schuester asked

"A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all." I said

"Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now but it's going to end. You're gonna give those babies to a family who really wants them, who's gonna love them and then you are gonna go on to do amazing things, Crystal, Quinn." Mr. Schuester said

"You really think that we can get it all back one day?" Quinn asked

Mr. Schuester sighs.

"No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on! You're Quinn Fabray and you're Crystal Osbourne, right?" Mr. Schuester said

Quinn and I chuckle.

"Those people didn't part when you walked down the halls, you moved them with your attitude." Mr. Schuester said

Quinn and I stand up and hug Mr. Schuester.

"Thanks, Mr. Schue." Quinn said

"You're a really good teacher even if everybody is calling you a man-whore." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel is singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

As the song is ending people are walking out. Quinn and I walk out, holding hands with Puck.


	17. Laryngitis

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"I am very disappointed in you guys." Mr. Schuester said

"I can't believe you narced on us." Finn said to Rachel

"Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys." Rachel said

"I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, y'know." Finn said

Santana gives an exasperated sigh.

"What difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot." Santana said

"My baby hormones are making me moody." Quinn said

"Me too." I said

"There are so many lyrics." Brittany said

"Okay. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. Alright? This ends now. Which is why your assignment for the week is for each of you to come up with a song that best represents how you see yourself, where you are in your lives right now. Your voice. Then you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out. All of you." Mr. Schuester said

"Solos? In front of everyone?" Kurt asked, excitedly

"The Glee Club has lost its voice. It's time for us to get it back." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Puck and Mercedes are talking on the other side of the room before Glee practice. Mr. Schuester walks in, clapping twice.

"Alright, guys. Let's get things started." Mr. Schuester said

"As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off." Rachel said

"Okay." Mr. Schuester said

"I have chosen Miley Cyrus' 'The Climb' because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you, my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight." Rachel said

Rachel starts singing "The Climb". Rachel is clearly off key and struggling. As she sings, we all look at each other confused. After a few lines, Mr. Schuester cuts her off.

"Rachel. I think you've lost your voice." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel looks horrified.

* * *

 _The next day_

 _Finn is singing "Jessie's Girl" in the choir room during Glee practice.  
_

"Nice work. Now that, that is the kind of soul-exposing song I was talking about. We should all be inspired by Finn's bravery. Good job, buddy." Mr. Schuester said

"Uh, Mr. Shue, can I sing my song now?" Puck asked

"Yeah. Let's go for it, Puck." Mr. Schuester said

Puck gets up and opens the door to the choir room, letting in the jazz band.

"What are they doing here?" Mercedes asked

"I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my mohawk I started seeing things differently. Last week I joined a black church. And I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis, Jr. ever recorded on iTunes." Puck said

Mercedes rolls her eyes.

"He was a black Jew, you know, and my inspiration. So without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits." Puck said

Puck starts singing "The Lady is a Tramp".

Puck starts off singing to Finn, Brittany, Quinn, and I, while Santana is clearly enjoying his performance. But when it becomes apparent that he is singing to Mercedes, bitchface Santana appears. Puck pulls Mercedes up to join him after the bridge. We all give Puck and Mercedes a standing ovation at the end, except for Santana.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Mercedes is walking down the hall, smiling at everyone. She turns the corner and sees Quinn and I standing by her locker.

"Look, Quinn, Crystal. I could never see myself being into a guy like Puck, especially since he's your babies' daddy, but something just happened between us." Mercedes said

"I say, go for it." Quinn said

"What?" Mercedes asked

"Look. We screwed up by letting Puck get us pregnant. He's an idiot, and his mother won't let us eat bacon. We're stuck living with him right now, but at least if you guys are dating, we won't have to spend so much time listening to his insane theories on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization." Quinn said

"But you do realize he's using you and your popularity so he won't get tossed in a dumpster." I said

"I know he's using me, but in a way, it's even better. I'm not you. I've never had a guy like me for anything. But now I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the studliest guys in school wants to use me to harvest some mojo." Mercedes said

"I just don't want you getting hurt." I said

"I know what this is. My heart's safe." Mercedes said

"Oh, I'm not worried about your heart. We might be okay with this, but not even Puck is going to be able to call off Santana." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Kurt, still dressed like a Finn wannabe, walks up to Mr. Schuester.

"Alright, let's get things started." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Schue? I'd like to start us off. I believe I've found a song that finally expresses my true voice." Kurt said

"Okay." Mr. Schuester said, hesitantly

"Gentlemen." Kurt said to the band

Kurt starts singing "Pink Houses". Everyone just stares at Kurt or look questioningly at each other, except for Brittany, who smiles and claps along. We all clap half-heartedly at the end of the song.

"Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?" Kurt asked

"I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song didn't really sound like you." Mr. Schuester said

"Well I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations." Kurt said

"No no no. This group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me." Kurt said

"Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be easier to be somebody else." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt walks away and heads for the door.

"Alright, take five, guys." Mr. Schuester said

Brittany chases after Kurt.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mercedes and Santana sing "The Boy Is Mine".

The song ends and the two start fighting over Puck in a shoving match. Mr. Schuester gets in between the two girls.

"Wow. That was intense." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh." Santana said

"Why don't you." Mercedes said

"Don't touch me." Santana said

"I'll step to it." Mercedes said

"Y'know I gotta give you guys props for the passion. Maybe hold back on the animosity a little alright." Mr. Schuester said, talking over Mercedes and Santana

"Okay. Yeah, I know, I know, I understand." Santana said

As Mr. Schuester turns away, Santana gives Mercedes a big shove. Mr. Schuester turns around immediately and grabs both girls.

"Hey hey hey, seriously! This ends now." Mr. Schuester said

"Alright." Santana said

"Talk to the stick figure." Mercedes said

"Please. Alright? You can go at it in song, but that is it." Mr. Schuester said

"Enjoy it while you can, Weezy. His hair is already starting to grow back." Santana said

Santana walks away, Mercedes makes a move at her but Mr. Schuester grabs her.

"Calm down. Hey! Hey." Mr. Schuester said

Santana leaves the choir room, while Mercedes looks at Puck.

* * *

 _In the_ _auditorium_

 _We are singing the song "One"._

Rachel:  
Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?  
Will it make it easier on you now?  
You've got someone to blame

Sean:  
(and Rachel: You say)  
One love, one life  
When it's one need, in the night  
One love, we get to share it  
Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it

Finn:  
Did I disappoint you?  
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?  
You act like you never had love  
And you want me to go without

Finn and Rachel:  
Well, it's too late, tonight  
To drag the past out into the light  
We're one, but we're not the same  
We get to carry each other  
Carry each other  
One... (Mercedes: Yeah)  
One... (Mercedes: Oh)

Rachel with New Directions:  
Love is a temple, love is a higher law  
Love is a temple, love is a higher law

Rachel with New Directions harmonizing:  
You ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl

Rachel with New Directions:  
And I can't keep holding on to what you got  
When all you got is hurt

Finn and Rachel with New Directions (New Directions):  
One love (One love)  
One blood (One blood)  
One life you got to do what you should  
One life (One life)  
With each other (each other)  
Sisters (sisters)  
And my (And my)  
Brothers

Rachel (with Finn):  
(One life) but we're (not the same)  
(We get to carry each other  
(Carry each other)  
One

Rachel and Sean:  
One  
One, one


	18. Dream On

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester and some guy are standing in the front of the choir room.

"Okay, guys, listen up. This is Mr. Ryan. He's a member of the school board, and he would like to say a few words. I-I just want you guys to listen critically and know that what he's saying is just one of many opinions." Mr. Schuester said

"Take out a piece of paper. And on that paper, I want you to write down your biggest dream. A dream that means so much, you're afraid to admit it even to yourself." Bryan said

I write down "get my abs back". Bryan goes over and crumples up Artie's paper.

"Your dream is never going to happen. Ninety one percent of you will spend your entire lives living in Allen County, Ohio. So unless you wrote down that your dream was to 'work for a mid-market health insurance provider' or 'find an entry level job in an elderly care facility', you're going to be very disappointed." Bryan said

"This is really depressing." Mercedes said

"I'm going to guess that a lot of your dreams involve 'showbiz'. Well, let me tell you. Showbiz dreams are the most unrealistic of them all." Bryan said

"But... that's what I want to do with my life." Tina said

"Oh, look, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just trying to spare you disappointment." Bryan said

"I think we get your point." Mr. Schuester said

"Aw, well, Schuester here's a prime example. He used to have that glimmer of hope in his eyes that I can see right now in all of yours. But he couldn't make it happen for himself, so he now has to try and convince you all that it will happen for you. Guess what? His dream didn't work out. And neither will yours." Bryan said

Tina starts sobbing.

"Okay, you're done here." Mr. Schuester said

"You would be wise to show me some respect." Bryan said

"You've said your piece. Now get out." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, Schuester, I should thank you. You've made my decision about which program to cut a lot easier." Bryan said

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester, Bryan, and the rest of us are in the choir room. Bryan is opening a box and it contains jean jackets that Kurt is very excited about.

"Guys, I've got good news. I siphoned off funds from the Cheerios and I took a little shopping spree through the Jazzhands catalogue. You know why? 'Cause the arts matter. And I got custom-made New Directions jean jackets and some rad tearaway dancewear. Hello. And every piece of sheet music from every Broadway show for the last 50 years. Everything a show choir needs to become champions." Bryan said

"Wow, that's just amazing. Let's all give a hand for Mr. Ryan." Mr. Schuester said

"Thank you. Thank you." Bryan said

Coach Sylvester walks in.

"Congratulations, Will. I'm over the moon for you." Coach Sylvester said

"Thanks, Sue. I'm glad you have a good attitude about your budget being cut." Mr. Schuester said

"No, no, I'm not talking about that. I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director, Herb Duncan, does the dry cleaning for the Cheerios and he let it slip that you just landed the lead in Les Miz! Congratulations. Oh, I'm ecstatic. And the good news just keeps coming, 'cause you got a part, too, Bry. The exciting role of Townsperson. And you got a line, too. Way back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray'. Congratulations, both of you, really. I can't wait for opening night." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester leaves, while Bryan is clearly upset by this news.

"Wait, Bryan." Mr. Schuester said

"Congratulations, Will. You're going to be great in the show." Bryan said

"Can we talk about this?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Nothing to talk about. I'm cutting the program." Bryan said

Bryan leaves the room.

* * *

 _The next day_

We are all in the choir room.

"All right, guys, listen up. Tina has something that she wants to share with all of us, but first, I have an announcement to make. You've all been reprieved. Bryan Ryan isn't cutting Glee." Mr. Schuester said

We all clap.

"Did he die?" Puck asked

"No. He didn't die. He, uh, is going to be distracted for a couple months making his star turn in Les Miz. He got the lead role." Mr. Schuester said

"But I thought you got the lead." Quinn said

"I resigned. It was the price for keeping the club." Mr. Schuester said

"Sorry you had to do that, Mr. Shue." I said

"I'm not. You know, th-the way I see it, I'm trading my one dream for the chance that all 14 of you might find yours. I mean, come on– you can't argue with those numbers. So, let's start with Tina's dream. Come on up, Tina." Mr. Schuester said

Tina goes up to the front and high fives Mr. Schuester because that's how we do it in Glee Club.

"I understand that you whipped up a little dance number for us– a breakout that we might use at Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes." Tina said

"You got a dance partner?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Mike Chang." Tina said

Mike goes and stands next to Tina.

"Yeah!" Matt cheered

"Whoo!" Brittany cheered

"Yeah Chang!" Santana said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _Artie starts singing "Dream A Little Dream of Me". We all sit on stools, while Mike and Tina tap dance._


	19. Theatrically

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"It's so weird." Artie said

We all look at Tina, who went from the gothic vampire look to the my boyfriend just broke up with me look.

"This so isn't you." Finn said

"I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian." Tina said

"Tina, are there any other looks you can try?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Biker chick?" Santana asked

Tina gives a thumbs down.

"Cowgirl?" Finn asked

Thumbs down.

"Hood rat." Mercedes offered

Thumbs down

"Computer programmer." Quinn said

"Cross-country skier." I said

"Catholic schoolgirl?" Puck asked

"A Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken." Brittany said

"Look, I appreciate it, guys, but it just isn't me. I know who I am, and I'm not allowed to show it. It's like communism." Tina said

Rachel storms into the choir room.

"Guys, we have a serious problem. I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline." Rachel said

"Isn't that against the rules?" Artie asked

"No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever. Anyway, what I figured out, I rooted through the dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found 18 empty boxes of Christmas lights." Rachel said

"Oh, no." Tina said

"Which led me to Joelle Fabrics.I asked them about red Chantilly lace, and they were sold out!" Rachel exclaimed

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Mercedes said

"Oh, my." Kurt said

"W-W-What?" Mr. Schuester asked

"They're doing Gaga." Kurt said

"That's it. It's over." Mercedes said

I look at Quinn and roll my eyes.

"Exactly! We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!" Kurt exclaimed

"What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?" Puck asked

Rachel scoffs.

"Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing. The most theatrical performer of our generation. She changes her look faster than Britt changes sexual partners." Kurt said

"That's true." Brittany said

"It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them." Artie said

"Now, hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment: Gaga." Mr. Schuester said

All of us girls and Kurt gasp. Rachel starts snapping her fingers.

"Pens. Need pens. My ideas just come to me." Rachel said

"My office." Mr. Schuester

He points towards his office and Rachel walks over to it.

"I'm brainstorming." Rachel said

The boys, except Kurt, are groaning.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn and I are standing at my locker, while Puck tells us what he wants to name one of our daughters.

"You're wrong. It's a good name. It's a rock star name." Puck said

"You want to name one of our daughters Jack Daniels?" Quinn asked

"They're girls!" I exclaimed

"Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels." Puck said

"The name is not the point!" I exclaimed

"We told you this. We're giving up the babies so we don't have to do this with you." Quinn said

"This is good for you can go off and be a rock star yourself." I said

I pat Puck on the shoulder before walking away holding hands with Quinn.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

All of us girls, minus Rachel, and Kurt are dressed up in Gaga costumes.

"Little monsters, take a bow." Mr. Schuester said

We all bow and smile at each other, Mr. Schuester laughs.

"All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Siéntate." Mr. Schuester said

We all sit down.

"You know what the best part is? Each one of your costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, where's Rachel?" Puck asked

I look at him weirdly.

"I only notice because five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious." Puck said

"Rachel kinda got some intense news yesterday." Mercedes said

She looks at Quinn, who continues.

"We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline and..." Quinn started

Mr. Schuester interrupts her.

"Guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that." Mr. Schuester said

Quinn and Mercedes look at each other

"But, uh, you know, wh-what'd you find out?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Okay, y'all ready? Ms. Corcoran, their coach, she's Rachel's mom." Mercedes said

"Are you serious?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Way to bury the lead, Mercedes." Artie said

"We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline." Puck said

"Never." A voice said

Rachel walks in wearing a dress with stuffed animals all over it.

"I really don't want to talk about it though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. A-A-All I know is that I'm not going anywhere and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look that expresses the longing for a childhood I was deprived of." Rachel said

"You look terrible. I look awesome." Brittany said

"I think it's the Kermit the Frog look." Mercedes said

A frog falls off Rachel's dress.

"And we have a jumper." Kurt said

"Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on." Rachel said

"Why don't we worry about this later and try to focus on the song." Mr. Schuester offered

"Couldn't agree more. Hit it." Rachel said

We all start dancing to "Bad Romance".

 **Kurt:**  
Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah  
Ro-ma, Ro-ma-ma  
Gaga, Oh-la-la  
Want your bad romance

 **Tina (with New Direction Girls):**  
I want your ugly, I want your disease  
I want your everything as long as it's free  
I want your love  
(Love, love, love)  
I want (your love)

 **Mercedes and Santana:**  
I want your psycho, your vertigo stick ( **Kurt:** Hey!)  
Want you in my rear window, baby you're sick  
I want your love  
Love, love, love  
I want your love

 **Tina with New Directions Girls:**  
Love, love, love  
I want your love

 **Quinn with New Directions Girls (Kurt):**  
You know that I want you  
And you know that I need you ('Cause I'm a freak, baby!)  
I want it bad, bad romance

 **Mercedes and Santana with New Directions Girls (Kurt):**  
I want your love and I want your revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)  
I want your love and all your lover's revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance

 **Kurt with New Directions Girls:**  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh  
Caught in a bad romance

 **Crystal:**  
Walk, walk fashion baby  
Work it move that thing crazy

 **Crystal with Mercedes:**  
Walk, walk fashion baby  
Work it move that thing crazy

 **Crystal with Mercedes and Quinn:**  
Walk, walk fashion baby  
Work it move that thing crazy

 **Crystal with Mercedes, Quinn and Santana:**  
Walk, walk passion baby  
Work it, I'm a freak baby

 **Santana (Kurt with New Directions Girls):**  
I want your love and I want your revenge  
I want your love,  
I don't wanna be friends  
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)  
Want your bad romance (Caught in a bad romance)  
Want your bad romance

 **Santana with Mercedes and New Directions Girls (Kurt):**  
I want your love and I want your revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)  
I want your love and all your lover's revenge  
You and me could write a bad romance

 **Kurt with New Directions Girls (Santana):**  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (Want your bad romance)  
Oh-oh-oh  
Caught in a bad romance (Want your bad romance)

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (Want your bad romance)  
Oh-oh-oh  
Caught in a bad romance

 **Kurt with New Directions Girls:**  
Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah  
Ro-ma, Ro-ma-ma  
Gaga, Oh-la-la

 **Kurt:**  
Want your bad romance

No one really claps, except Mr. Schuester.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Mr. Schuester, Quinn, Mercedes, Kurt, Santana, Tina, Brittany, and I are standing in the auditorium, while the guys are onstage. Rachel walks in with a new Gaga costume on.

"Sorry I'm late." Rachel apologized

"Whoa! Looking good, Rachel!" Mercedes said

"Thanks! My mom made it." Rachel said

"Well, we're all here. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce The Boys!" Mr. Schuester introduced

The curtains opens.

"Lima, Ohio! Get ready to rock!" Artie exclaims

We all cheer when the music starts and the boys begin performing "Shout It Out Loud".

We all clap for them.

"Very impressive. Very, very loud." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester chuckles.

"But what does that performance express? And what do those costumes illustrate?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We did our research, Mr. Schue." Mike said

"Yeah, Finn's demon look is because Gene Simmons liked comic books as a kid and they called Paul Stanley the Star Child because he was romantic or something. But that doesn't really explain my whore lips." Puck said

He puckers his lips.

"And my Ace Frehley is supposed to be a spaceman from another planet. Mike's iconic cat man was because Peter Criss claimed to have nine lives." Artie explained

"Yeah, and I'm dressed as the guy who replaced Artie when he quit." Matt said

"Well, congratulations, guys.- Job well 's give it up for the boys!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

The guys all cheer and Finn hits a gong.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"All right, let's get things started." Mr. Schuester said

Puck walks into the choir room and stands in front of us.

"Mr. Schue, I have something I want to say to Quinn and Crystal, and I want everybody to hear it." Puck said

Quinn and I look at Puck.

"All right." Mr. Schuester said

He takes a seat on a stool.

"At first I didn't get this theatrical assignment being larger than life and putting it all out there, 'cause I'm like that all the time. That's how my dad was too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what? I didn't care that my dad was a bad-ass. I just wanted him to be there, and he never was. Then I learned all this KISS stuff and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for a power boat or something it's not right for a baby girl. So if my KISS-mates will help me out, I got a better idea. Grab a stool, guys." Puck said

The guys all grab a stool and sit in the front of the room. They start singing "Beth".

During the performance Quinn and I start crying, and we grab each other's hands. After the song is over Puck walks in front of us.

"I know you're giving them up, but before you do I think you should name on of them Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when they're born. I'd really like to meet them." Puck said

Quinn and I look at each other before nodding at Puck.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester walks into the classroom and sees us all, minus Tina, Kurt, and Finn who were not in the room, wearing our costumes.

"Whoa! Guys, why are you all in your theatricality costumes?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's the end of the week. We were kind of hoping to learn what the lesson of the assignment was." Artie said

"Well, you guys have had some great numbers this week, but I'm not sure I know either." Mr. Schuester said

We all laugh and Tina walks into the room wearing her normal clothes.

"I do. I refuse to dress like somebody I'm not to be somebody I'm not. And I learned it's good to be a little theatrical." Tina said

Tina tells us about how she scared Figgins into letting her wear her old clothes, and then takes a bow.

"There she is." Mr. Schuester said

We all applaud Tina.

"Wait, where's Kurt? Where's Finn?" Artie asked

We all look around.

* * *

 _In the hallways_

We find Kurt and Finn being harassed by Karofsky and Azimio.

"'Cause I'm pretty sure we can take both of you." Karofsky said

We all appear behind Finn.

"Yeah, but can you take all of us?" Puck asked

"Okay. Okay, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karofsky? We done disturbed the freak hive. The worker freaks is tryin' to protect the queen freak." Azimio said

"Next time we'll bring some friends too." Karofsky said

Azimio and Karofsky leave, and Rachel takes off her glasses.

"I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks." Rachel said

"Well, look at us. We are freaks." Mercedes said

We all start laughing.

"But we're all freaks together and we shouldn't have to hide it." Finn said

There is applause from behind us. We all part and see Mr. Schuester standing there.

"Nice job, Finn. Think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I'd planned it. But Mercedes is right. You do all look incredibly insane." Mr. Schuester said

"Thank you." We all said

"You're so welcome. Anyways, let's get back to work before you're all forced to join the circus. Next stop, Regionals!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

We all head back to the choir room.


	20. Funk

**Crystal POV**

 _In the auditorium_

We are all in the auditorium and Vocal Adrenaline is on our stage.

"Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?" Rachel asked, confused

"I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me. You never listened to my clearly superior ideas." Jesse said

"Why are you here in our auditorium?" Finn asked

"The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a little something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment." Jesse said

Vocal Adrenaline starts performing "Another One Bites The Dust".

"Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint." The lead girl said

Vocal Adrenaline laughs as they leave the auditorium.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"It's a Carmel High tradition they psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a 'funkification' meaning they show us what they've got and we spiral into a deep, black funk." Artie explained

"Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. Try to get inside their head, pull little pranks to intimidate them." Finn said

"Yeah, well, the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden." Puck said

"Come on, keep your heads up, guys. It's gonna take more than that to get us into a funk." Kurt said

We all walk into the choir room and find it TP'd. We start cleaning up the mess.

"I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home." Tina said

"Look, it was just a lame little fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got 'em spooked." Mr. Schuester said

"Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. Which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?" Mercedes asked

Coach Sylvester walks in with a bunch of trophies.

"I gave 'em all keys. Helped 'em do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here, open up the space a little bit." Coach Sylvester said

"Sue, what are you doing?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I can't talk now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have nationals over the weekend and expect to return with a comically large first-place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. You know what it has to look like Elvis's gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying." Coach Sylvester said

"Sue, get out of my room." Mr. Schuester said

"Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up. In a few weeks Glee Club will be finished. Now, how do I know that? I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at Regionals. You are going to lose and your dreams will be crushed." Coach Sylvester said

"Sue, can I see your trophy?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Sure, Will. Hope and dream." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester hands Mr. Schuester her trophy and Mr. Schuester throws it out of the choir room, causing it to break.

"You dropped your trophy, Sue." Mr. Schuester said

"You know, for me trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of 'em, but they just keep comin'. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all lazily lying around the choir room when Mr. Schuester walks in.

"All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Giving my heart toJesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at Stomp." Rachel said

"Thinking 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option." I said

Quinn nods in agreement.

"We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working, letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back." Mr. Schuester said

"Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?" Santana asked

"Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us." Mr. Schuester said

"So you want us to TP their choir room?" Quinn asked

"Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh maybe maybe we should steal their school statue." Mr. Schuester said

"Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons." Kurt said

"Okay, well, how about this one?" Mr. Schuester started

I stop paying attention when I feel the baby kicking my stomach. I really don't know how I'm gonna give up this baby.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester writes the word "FUNK" on the board.

"Funk. Use it in a sentence." Mr. Schuester said

No one says anything.

"Come on! Rachel." Mr. Schuester said

He points at said girl.

"This cheese smells funky." Rachel said

"That's because it's 'fromunda' cheese." Puck said

"Shut it, Puckerman!" Rachel exclaimed

"Okay, okay, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk'." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week." Kurt said

"What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk. We are gonna get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. It's passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn McKinley High into _Funkytown_!" Mr. Schuester sang the last part

"You guys can relax. I got this one covered." Mercedes said

"Cool." Mr. Schuester said

"Hold on a second. I-I want a chance to get funky too." Quinn said

Everyone, except me, laughs at her.

"Good one, Quinn. It even sounds funny when you say it." Mercedes said

"You said funk was about soul and anger. I have plenty of both. Look at me. Look at my life. I'm furious!" Quinn exclaimed

"Let's be honest. When white people try to be funky, you end up with K.C. and the Sunshine Band." Mercedes said

"I love 'Boogie Shoes'." Artie said

"Mercedes's racism aside I will have something prepared tomorrow." Quinn said

"All right. Quinn goes first." Mr. Schuester said

The bell rings and we leave the choir room.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away." Mr. Schuester said

Quinn grabs my hand and we stand in the front of the room.

"For some of us just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer." Quinn said

"When you're pregnant you're responsible for two lives and you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man." I said

"Oh, my goodness, they are not about to go there." Mercedes muttered

I hear her and glare at her.

"Hearing people call you fat." Quinn said

The Unwed Mothership Connection girls start walking into the room.

"Sometimes it hurts." I said

"Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say 'no'." Quinn said

"This is offensive. Who are these girls?" Artie asked

"We're the Unwed Mothership Connection and that's what we're here to sing about." Quinn said

We grab our microphones and start singing "It's A Man's Man's Man's World".

 **Quinn:**  
This is a man's world  
This is a man's world  
But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing  
Without a woman or a girl

 **Crystal with Unwed Mothership Connection harmonizing:**  
You see  
Man made the cars to take us over the road  
Man made the train to carry the heavy load  
Man made electric light to take us out the dark  
Man made the boat for the water, like Noah made the ark

 **Quinn with Unwed Mothership Connection harmonizing:**  
This is a man's, man's, man's world  
But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing  
Without a woman or a girl (Unwed Mothership Connection: Without a woman or a girl)  
Man thinks about the little baby girls

 **Crystal with Unwed Mothership Connection:**  
and the baby boys  
Man make them happy, cause man made them toys

 **Quinn with Unwed Mothership Connection harmonizing:**  
 **A** nd after man make everything, everything he can  
Do you know that man makes money? (Unwed Mothership Connection: He makes money)  
To buy from other man (Unwed Mothership Connection: To buy from other man)

 **Crystal with Unwed Mothership Connection:**  
This is a man's world  
But it would be nothing, nothing

 **Quinn (Unwed Mothership Connection):**  
Not a one little thing (Nothing, nothing)  
Without a woman or a girl

 **Crystal (Unwed Mothership Connection):**  
(Huh-uh) He's lost (Huh-uh) in betterness

 **Quinn (Unwed Mothership Connection):**  
(Huh-uh) He's lost, lost somewhere now (Huh-uh)

 **Crystal and Quinn:**  
in loneliness

At the end of the song everyone, except Mercedes, claps. They come up to me and Quinn and give us a hug.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Puck and Finn are standing in the front of the room.

"Mr. Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk with a little help from our special guest, Mercedes." Finn said

Mercedes walks up to the front of the room as everyone claps.

"Yeah. Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a funky ride." Puck said

They start performing "Good Vibrations".

At the end of the song we applaud them, and Puck and Finn high-five.

"All right. Good job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch but that is a rap song." Mr. Schuester explained

"A kick-butt, old-school rap song." Puck said

We all laugh and Mr. Schuester rolls his eyes.

"Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? We're so clinically depressed we're doing the wrong songs? We're in a deeper funk than ever." Artie said

* * *

 _In the library_

I am sitting in the library next to Quinn, studying for finals. Mercedes walks in and sits in front of us.

"Mercedes, we're so sorry." Quinn said

"You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes." Mercedes said

"For nine months. You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why you don't feel like yelling at people all the time." I said

"What's the point in getting angry?" Mercedes asked

"Because it's infuriating. I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom." I said

"You're not angry. You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage get to the pain beneath it, so it's decided. Saturday you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me." Mercedes said

We give her questioning looks.

"I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room." Mercedes said

"Mercedes." Quinn started

"It's cool. Us sisters gotta stick together, right?" Mercedes said

She fist-bumps Quinn and then does the same with me, and we all giggle.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel is telling us the story of how she got egged by Vocal Adrenaline.

"And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge." Rachel finished

"Oh, this is bull. Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me." Puck said

The boys stand up and start leaving the choir room.

"Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching." Finn said

Mr. Schuester walks into the choir room.

"Hey, what's going on?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline." Finn said

"Guys, violence is never the answer." Mr. Schuester said

"It is when the question is: what's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face!" Puck saud

"Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her." Kurt said

"Now, guys, stop!" Mr. Schuester yelled

The guys stop walking.

"Get back here and sit down!" Mr. Schuester ordered

The boys sit back down in their seats.

"Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that." Mr. Schuester said

"We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet." Finn said

"We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone." Mr. Schuester instructed

Rachel pulls out her phone and calls Jesse.

"You haven't deleted his number yet?" Santana asked

Rachel hands Mr. Schuester her phone.

"Jesse St. James, Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp." Mr. Schuester ordered

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

"Thanks for coming. After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly 'funkify' you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do. So enjoy." Rachel said

We start performing "Give Up The Funk".

 **Kurt:**  
Roof off  
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker  
Tear the roof off the sucker  
Tear the roof  
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker  
Tear the roof off the sucker

 **Finn and Mercedes with Tina and New Directions:**  
You've got a real type of thing going down, getting down  
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round  
You've got a real type of thing going down, getting down  
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round

 **Finn, Mercedes, and Tina with New Directions:**  
We want the funk, give up the funk  
We need the funk, we gotta have that funk  
We want the funk, give up the funk  
We need the funk, we gotta have that funk  
Na-na-na-na-na  
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow  
Na-na-na-na-na  
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow

 **Artie and Mercedes with New Directions:**  
We're gonna turn this mother out (New Directions: We want the funk, give up the funk)  
We're gonna turn this mother out  
(New Directions: We need the funk, we gotta have that funk) (Mercedes: This mother out)  
We're gonna turn this mother out (New Directions: We want the funk, give up the funk)  
We're gonna turn this mother out  
(New Directions: We need the funk, we gotta have that funk) (Mercedes: We're gonna turn this mother out hey!)

 **Finn and Mercedes with Tina and New Directions:**  
Na-na-na-na-na  
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow (Mercedes: Doo doo doo)  
Na-na-na-na-na (Mercedes: Na-na-na heeey..Sing it!)  
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, ow (New Directions: You've got a real type of thing going down)  
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down  
There's a whole lot of rhythm going down (Mercedes: Whole lot of rhythm going down!)  
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down  
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round

 **Mercedes:**  
Yeeaahh!

 **Finn, Mercedes, and Tina with New Directions:**  
We want the funk, give up the funk  
We need the funk, we gotta have that funk (Mercedes: Funky!)  
We want the funk, (Mercedes: Yeahhh!)  
Give up the funk  
We need the funk, we gotta have that funk  
We want the funk (Kurt: We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker)  
(Mercedes: Funky funky!) (Kurt: Tear the roof off the sucker)  
Give up the funk (Kurt: Tear the roof off)  
We need the funk (Kurt: We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker)  
(Mercedes: Get down man!)  
We gotta have that funk (Kurt: Tear the roof off the sucker)  
(Mercedes: Heey)  
We want the funk, give up the funk  
We need the funk, we gotta have that funk

 **Mercedes:**  
Yeeaahh!

When we finish Vocal Adrenaline is shocked.

"See you punks at regionals." Puck said

We all walk off the stage.


	21. Journey

**Crystal POV**

Flashback

 _Quinn and I were each taking turns making out with Puck in Quinn's bedroom._

 _"We can't do this." Quinn said_

 _She pushes Puck away._

 _"Yes, you can. Have another wine cooler." Puck said_

 _He gives each of us a wine cooler._

 _"I'm president of the Celibacy Club and Crystal's vice-president. We took a vow." Quinn said_

 _"So did Santana and Brittany, and I did them." Puck said_

 _"What about Finn? He's your best friend." I said_

 _"Come on. We're in high school. You think any of us are going to give a damn about Finn in three years? Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead." Puck said_

 _"Okay, but you can't tell anybody. We can't lose our reps." I said_

 _"Our secret, babies." Puck said_

 _"What about protection?" Quinn asked_

 _"I got it, trust me. This isn't just another hookup for me." Puck said_

 _He starts kissing my neck._

 _"Tell us one more time." I said_

 _"You're not fat." Puck said_

* * *

Present

Quinn and I are standing in the kitchen of Mr. Schuester's apartment.

"Quinn? Crystal? Are you all right?" Mr. Schuester asked

"It's been a long year." Quinn said

"Yeah. Oh, you need some help with those plates and cups?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We're not due for a month. Think I can handle a stack of plates." Quinn said

"Yeah, I'm perfectly capable of carrying cups." I said

"Right. I'm... Yeah." Mr. Schuester said

We walk into the living room, and Quinn and I put the cups and plates on the table before sitting down.

"No one wants any pizza?" Mr. Schuester asked

No one responds.

"All right, well, uh, let's get started. Thank you for coming to the first annual New Directions' Regionals' set list nominations party." Mr. Schuester said

"What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges. She's gonna crush us." Artie said

"Artie, you don't know that." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes, we do. She told us at Cheerios practice." Santana said

"Yeah, she said, 'I'm going to crush Glee Club'." Brittany said

"A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing." Puck said

Tina starts crying.

"I'm sorry. I just really love you guys. You know how many Facebook friends I had before I joined Glee Club? Two. My parents. Rachel was right. Being a part of something special– it made me special. I just can't believe it's going to be over in a week." Tina said

"Wait. Who says it's going to be over?" Finn asked

"Please. You think Puck and Santana are going to even acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?" Mercedes said

"She has a point." Puck said

"Mr. Schuester? Do you think instead of nominating songs, we can just... all go around the room and talk about things that we loved about Glee Club this year?" Rachel asked

Rachel has tears streaming down her face.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel and Finn walk into the room

"Mr. Schuester, Finn and I have something we want to say to you." Rachel said

"Me first. Have a seat. Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with 'Don't Stop Believing'. It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten." Mr. Schuester said

"We're doing 'Don't Stop' at Regionals?" Rachel asked

"And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun? Rachel? You had something you wanted to say?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Just that we're all really glad you didn't become an accountant." Rachel said

We all nod along in agreement.

"Regionals, here we come!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

* * *

 _In the Regionals auditorium_

"And now, our panel of judges. He's an international musical sensation, a platinum recording artist 20 times over, the inimitable Mr. Josh Groban!" The announcer said

Josh Groban stands up.

"She's a four-time Grammy winner who starred in the highest-grossing movie musical of all time, Ms. Olivia Newton-John!" The announcer said

Oliva Newton-John stands up.

"He's a two-time local Emmy winner and broadcasting icon, WOHN news anchor Rod Remington!" The announcer said

Rod Remington stands up.

"She is fresh off her fifth consecutive National Cheerleading Title and author of the soon-to-be-published memoir, 'I'm A Winner and You're Fat', Ohio's home-grown iconoclast, Coach Sue Sylvester!" The announcer said

Coach Sylvester stands up.

"And now, our first performance of the evening, from Westvale High in scenic Fort Wayne, Indiana, Aural Intensity!" The announcer said

* * *

 _In the green room_

We are listening to Aural Intensity perform over the loudspeaker.

" _You raise me up... You have to believe we are magic..._ " Aural Intensity sang

"A mash up of Olivia Newton-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me?! Somebody tipped them off about the judges." Puck said

"Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing." Rachel said

"We just got to keep our heads in the game and focus." Finn said

"Even though we know we can't win?" Santana asked

"Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't." Mr. Schuester said

"What?" Artie asked

"Finn's dancing. Right?" Mr. Schuester joked

We all laugh.

"Come on. Now let's get out there. We got two minutes. Aural Intensity's almost finished. Bring it in. Come on. Come on. Let's go, go, go, go, go and..." Mr. Schuester said

We all form a circle and put our hands in.

"Amazing!" We all said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

"Ladies and Gentleman, our second competitors, winner of the Central Ohio Sectional, McKinley High's New Directions!" The announcer said

Rachel and Finn perform "Faithfully", with the rest of us joining in at the end.

Then we perform "Any Way You Want It/Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" mash-up.

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
Any way you want it  
That's the way you need it  
Any way you want it

 **Finn (with Kurt):**  
She loves to laugh  
She loves to sing  
(She loves everything)  
She loves to move  
She loves to groove  
(She loves the lovin' things)

 **Rachel (Mercedes with New Directions Girls):**  
It won't be long, yeah  
'Til you're alone  
When your lover ( **Mercedes:** Love)  
Oh he hasn't come home ( **Santana:** Ooh, home)  
'Cause he's lovin' (Lovin')  
He's touchin' (Touchin')

 **Mercedes and Rachel:**  
He's squeezin'

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Another ( **Mercedes:** Another!)

 **Artie, Finn, and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Any way you want it  
That's the way you need it  
Any way you want it ( **Santana with New Directions:** Any way you want it)  
( **Rachel:** He said) any way you want it  
That's the way you need it  
Any way you want it ( **New Directions:** Oh)

 **Puck:**  
I was alone  
I never knew  
What good love could do

 **Puck and Quinn:**  
Oooh, then we touched  
Then we sang  
About the lovin' things

 **Crystal:**  
'Cause he's lovin' ( **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:** Lovin')  
He's touchin' ( **Mercedes with New Direction Girls:** Touchin')

 **Mercedes and Gensis:**  
He's squeezin'

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Another ( **Rachel:** Yeah!) ( **Mercedes:** Another!)

 **Artie, Finn, and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Any way you want it  
That's the way you need it  
Any way you want it ( **Santana with New Directions:** Any way you want it)  
He said any way you want it  
That's the way you need it  
Any way you want it ( **New Directions:** Oh)

 **Finn with New Directions:**  
Na, na, na-na, na-na  
Na-na, na-na, na  
Na, na, na-na, na  
Na-na, na-na, na-na

 **Artie, Mercedes, and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Any way you want it  
That's the way you need it

Finally we perform "Don't Stop Believin'".

 **Finn:**  
Just a small town girl  
Living in a lonely world  
She took the midnight train going anywhere

 **Rachel:**  
Just a city boy  
Born and raised in South Detroit  
He took the midnight train going anywhere

 **Puck:**  
A singer in a smoky room

 **Crystal:**  
A smell of wine and cheap perfume

 **Puck and Gensis:**  
For a smile they can share the night  
It goes on and on and on and on

 **Artie and Rachel:**  
Strangers waiting  
Up and down the boulevard  
Their shadows  
Searching in the night

Streetlight  
People  
Living just to find emotion  
Hiding somewhere in the night

 **Mercedes:**  
Don't stop!

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Don't stop believin'

 **Finn and Rachel:**  
Hold on to that feelin'

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Streetlights  
People ( **Mercedes:** Yeah!)

 **Finn, Mercedes, and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Don't stop!

* * *

 _In the green room_

We run offstage.

"That was awesome!" Finn said

"Oh, my God!" Brittany said

"We've got second place in the bag." Tina said

"Screw that. We are going to win this!" Rachel said

"Quinney? Crystal?" Mrs. Fabray said

Everyone walks away, leaving Quinn and me alone with Mrs. Fabray.

"Mom. What are you doing here? Is Dad okay...?" Quinn asked

"I came to hear you sing. You were wonderful. I'm-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot? I left your father. Well, I-I... kicked him out, actually. He was having an affair with some, uh... tattooed freak. Quinney, Crystal, I want you to come home with me. I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh, sweeties, say something." Mrs. Fabray said

"My water just broke." Quinn said

* * *

 _At the hospital_

Quinn is being wheeled into the hospital by Puck, with everyone, except Rachel, behind her.

"Mom, it hurts so bad!" Quinn said

Mrs. Fabray gets the attention of a nurse.

"My daughter is having a baby." Mrs. Fabray said

"Uh, right this way." The doctor said

Puck and I go to follow Mrs. Fabray, Quinn, and the nurse.

"Wait! Wait! I want Mercedes with me, too." Quinn said

Mercedes, Puck, Mrs. Fabray, and I follow the doctor who is pushing Quinn.

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?  
Caught in a landslide no escape from reality  
Open your eyes look up to the skies and see

 **Jesse:**  
I'm just a poor boy ( **Vocal Adrenaline:** Poor boy) I need no sympathy

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Because I'm easy come, easy go  
Little high, Little low

 **Jesse with Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
To me

 **Jesse:**  
To me

 **Jesse (with Vocal Adrenaline):**  
Mama, just killed a man  
Put a gun against his head  
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead  
Mama, life had just begun  
But now I've gone and thrown it all away  
(Mama, oooooh) didn't mean to make you cry  
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow  
(Carry on, carry on)  
As if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come  
Sends shivers down my spine  
Body's aching all the time  
Goodbye everybody

The nurses push Quinn down as she grips Mrs. Fabray's and my hands.

 **Jesse:**  
I've got to go  
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth  
Mama,

"Mom!" Quinn cried

She's crying in pain as she pushes.

 **Jesse:  
** ( **with Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** oooooh) ( **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:** Anyway the wind blows)

"Ahhh!" Quinn cried

She's pushing as hard as she can.

 **Jesse:  
** I don't want to die  
( **Vocal Adrenaline:** Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...) I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

"Ooh! It's never coming, ever!" Quinn exclaimed

The doctors continue to tell Quinn to push.

"Shut up!" Quinn yelled

She turns to Puck.

"Ooh, you suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!" Quinn exclaimed

"Come on, Quinnie." Mrs. Fabray encouraged

 **Jesse:**  
I see a little silhouetto of a man  
( **with Vocal Adrenaline:** Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?)

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening me

 **Vocal Adrenaline Girl:**  
Galileo ( **Jesse:** Galileo)  
Galileo ( **Jesse:** Galileo)  
( **with Jesse:** Galileo Figaro)

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Magnifico-o-o-o

 **Jesse:**  
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
He's just a poor boy from a poor family  
Spare him his life from this monstrosity

 **Jesse:**  
Easy come, easy go  
Will you let me go

 **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:**  
Bismillah!  
No - we will not let you go ( **Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** Let him go)

"Let me go!" Quinn exclaimed

Quinn tries to get up.

 **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:  
** Bismillah! We will not let you go ( **Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** Let him go)

"Let me go!" Quinn exclaimed

The nurse and Mrs. Fabray push Quinn back down on the bed.

 **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:  
** Bismillah! We will not let you go ( **Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** Let me go)

"Let me go!" Quinn exclaimed

She tries to get up again but the nurse and Mrs. Fabray push her back down.

 **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:  
** Will not let you go ( **Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** Let me go)

"Ahh!" Quinn yelled

 **Vocal Adrenaline Boys:  
** Never let you go ( **Vocal Adrenaline Girls:** Let me go)

"Ahh!" Quinn exclaimed

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
O-o-o-o-o  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

"No! No! No! No!" Quinn said

"Okay, she's crowning!" The doctor said

"Push, baby." Mrs. Fabray said

 **Jesse:**  
Oh mamma mia, mamma mia

 **Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Mamma mia, let me go  
Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me

"Come on, Quinn, push." I said

"Push Quinn." Mercedes said

 **Jesse:**  
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?  
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?  
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby  
Just gotta get out  
Just gotta get right outta here...

The baby is finally out of Quinn.

( **Vocal Adrenaline:** Ooh yeah, ooh yeah)  
Nothing really matters, anyone can see  
Nothing really matters  
Nothing really matters, to me

 **Jesse with Vocal Adrenaline:**  
Anyway the wind blows

The nurse puts the baby girl on Quinn's chest.

* * *

 _At the nursery_

"She looks like you, Quinn. Do you want to keep her?" Puck asked

"We can't. Do you?" Quinn said

Puck doesn't answer.

"Did you love us?" I asked

"Yes. Especially now." Puck said

Rachel's mom, Shelby, walks up to us.

"Which one is yours?" Shelby asked

"What are you doing here?" I asked

Shelby completely ignores me.

"I see her now. She looks like you, Quinn. Does she have a name?" Shelby asked

"Beth." Puck and Quinn said

"Pretty. I like that name." Shelby said

* * *

 _Outside the choir room_

Quinn and I are sitting outside of the choir room, upset about Mock UN being in there. Mr. Schuester walks over to us.

"It's so unfair. We have worked so hard for this. Did you know that Figgins already gave our choir room to Mock UN?" I asked

"A deal's, a deal. We lost girls." Mr. Schuester said

"Because Sue cheated, and where do you think all that money's going? Right back into her pockets. We can't let her win this one. How can you stand there and be so calm about this? How can you give up so easily?" I asked

"I've tried girls, okay? It's over." Mr. Schuester said

"No, it's never over. I don't care what people say, some things are worth fighting for." Quinn said

"You mean like your babies?" Mr. Schuester asked

"This is about Glee Club. This is not about Beth and Mandy." Quinn said

"Hell it isn't, you're getting attached girls, you're already calling them by names, you can't get attached when Quinn has already given up Beth and Crystal is going to give up Mandy." Mr. Schuester said

"I kept her." Quinn said, smiling

"And I'm going to keep Mandy." I said

"What?" Mr. Schuester asked

A smile spread on his face.

"We couldn't bare to leave her, and some things are worth fighting for, right?" Quinn asked

* * *

Flashback

Puck, Quinn, and I are standing by the nursery watching Beth, when Shelby approaches us, again.

"I'm willing to adopt her." Shelby said

"Excuse me?" Quinn asked

"You're going to put her up for adoption since you're still young, and I'm willing to adopt her. I'm also willing to adopt your baby, Crystal." Shelby said

"Who told you we were putting them up for adoption?" I asked

I glare at her.

"No one, you two are young, unfit mothers and I'm willing to provide for them." Shelby said

"You aren't taking them away from us, we're keeping them." Quinn said

"You can call me in a couple of days when you see how hard it is to take care of a baby, let alone two." Shelby said

I charge towards her but Quinn and Puck hold me back.

"They're our kids! Don't expect a phone call anytime soon, or ever!" I exclaimed

I silently count to ten.

"They're worth fighting for, even when things get hard." I said

We go back to Quinn's room, and Puck hugs me and Quinn tight.

"We're keeping them?" Puck asked, hopefully

"Yes." Quinn and I said, in usion

We smile at each other.

* * *

Present

Everyone in Glee is sitting in the auditorium on stools.

"So we have something we need to say to you." Rachel said

"In the beginning of this year, I was just another football player." Matt said

"I had a stutter." Tina said

"I was a closeted diva." Mercedes said

"I used to be co-captain of the Cheerios." Quinn said

"I was selfish and mean." I said

"I was afraid to dance outside my room." Mike said

"I hated everyone in this club." Santana said

"So did I." Brittany said

"I wasn't honest about who I was." Kurt said

"I was tossing kids into Dumpsters." Puck said

"I had never kissed a girl before." Artie said

"And I was getting slushied." Rachel said

"I didn't-I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man." Finn said

"We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher." Rachel said

"And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Shue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now." Mercedes said

We perform "To Sir With Love" for Mr. Schuester, who tears up.

 **Rachel:**  
Those school girl days  
Of telling tales and biting nails are gone  
But in my mind  
I know they will still live on and on

 **Mercedes:**  
But how do you thank someone  
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?

 **Kurt:**  
Oh, it isn't easy, but I'll try

 **Rachel with New Directions (with Artie and Santana):**  
(If you wanted the sky, I would write)  
Across the sky in (letters)  
That would soar a thousand feet high ( **Artie and Santana with New Directions:** Soar high)

 **Artie and Rachel (and Santana) with New Directions:**  
To sir, with (love)

 **Tina with Artie:**  
The time has come  
For closing books  
And long last looks must end

 **Finn and Mercedes:**  
And as I leave  
I know that I am leaving my best friend

 **Santana:**  
A friend who taught me right from wrong  
And weak from strong  
That's a lot to learn

 **Kurt (Rachel):**  
What can I gift you in return? (Oh)

 **Rachel with Artie, Santana, and New Directions (Rachel with New Directions):**  
If you wanted the moon, I would try (to make a start)  
(But I would) rather you let me give my heart  
To sir, with love

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all sitting in the choir room. Quinn brought Beth to school and she is sitting on Quinn's lap. Mr. Schuester walks in with a ukulele case.

"We've got another year." Mr. Schuester said

"What?" We all asked

"Come on, we got another year!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"What?!" Finn exclaimed

"Oh, my God!" Rachel exclaimed

We all started hugging and high-fiving each other.

"Are you serious?!" Rachel asked

Rachel goes and hugs Mr. Schuester.

"Whoa!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's Sectionals immediately..." Rachel started

Mr. Schuester interrupts Rachel.

"Guys, you've all worked really hard this year, and you deserve a break." Mr. Schuester said

"But I have ideas." Rachel protested

"Take the summer off. Have some fun. Oh, but before you go, I have something for you. You all sang for me the other day, so today I'd like to return the favor. Puck, if you're ready." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester takes a ukulele and Puck grabs his guitar and sits next to Mr. Schuester. The two perform "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". During the song Quinn and I hold hands, while my other hand rests on my bump.


	22. Family

**Crystal POV**

 _At Mercedes' house_

Today, the girls in Glee, plus Kurt, are throwing Quinn and I a baby shower, since we decided to keep Beth and Mandy. As soon as we enter the house, Quinn, carrying Beth, and I are bombarded with the aroma of baked goods and the sight of pink balloons and streamers.

"Guys, oh my God this is amazing!" Quinn exclaimed

"Well, you deserve it." Santana said

She grabs Quinn and I, and pulls us to two chairs that are surrounded by gifts and food.

"We wanted you to have fun one last time before Genesis' baby comes and we figured there's nothing better than being with your best friends." Mercedes said

Kurt comes out with a tray full of things to play games with.

"Let's play some games!" Kurt said

We all clap with excitement.

* * *

 _Later_

"Oh! Guys this is so cute!" I said

I hold up an outfit that I just opened up. It had a picture of a baby smiling with a bottle in its hands.

"We saw it in the store and thought it fit Puck's personality perfectly." Mercedes said

She laughs with Santana.

"Puck will love it. And on the back it says 'Party at my crib. Bring your own bottle!' Guys this is awesome!" I said

We are just about done with all the gifts when Mrs. Fabray and Mrs. Puckerman brought out two big boxes for me and Quinn to open.

"What did you do?" Quinn asked

We both open our boxes.

"You'll see." Mrs. Puckerman promised

Quinn and I open the boxes and the first think we see are baby books. We open them and on the inside covers are pictures of Quinn, Puck, and me as babies.

"These are adorable!" I cooed

"We decided to make a baby book for Beth and Mandy and we figured we should put each of your photos in the front and the rest of the book has slots for all of their major milestones." Mrs. Fabray explained

"I love it." Quinn said

We are both trying to hold back our tears.

"Good. Now keep going there is one thing left." Mrs. Puckerman urged

Sitting at the bottom of the boxes is two huge quilts. When Quinn and I pull them out the tears start flowing freely. It has patches of all Quinn's and my old cheer uniforms and Puck's old jerseys.

"This is so beautiful." Quinn said, sniffling

"How'd you get all this stuff?" I asked

"Well, I had Noah's stuff in the attic and Judy went to her attic and your parents' storage shelter and got all of them out. Now your daughters will always have parts of your childhood with them." Mrs. Puckerman explained

"It's perfect!" Quinn said

"Thank you so much." I said

Suddenly I groan and start shifting uncomfortably in my seat while putting a hand to my stomach.

"You okay Crystal?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"Yeah. I just got a pain in my stomach for a second, but I'm fine now." I replied

"Have you been having them all day or was that your first?" Mrs. Puckerman asked

She comes closer to me.

"Um, well I've been having little cramps all day. But that one was the worst." I said

I shrug my shoulders.

"Crystal, are you sure they were just cramps?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"Yeah, I mean what else could they be?" I asked

My eyes widen with realization.

"Crystal, we need to get you to the hospital, I think you're ready to have the baby." Mrs. Fabray said, calmly

Mrs. Fabray turns to Santana and Brittany.

"Santana, Brittany, can you guys just pack this stuff up and we'll let you know how everything's going when we get settled there?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"Yeah, of course." Santana said

"Good Luck Genesis!" Brittany said

"Do you have a baby bag packed?" Mrs. Puckerman asked

I'm groaning in pain, so Quinn answers for me.

"I don't know. Puck was supposed to do it but I'm not sure if he got to it though." Quinn explained

"I can't do this. She isn't do for another two weeks. She's not ready." I said

"Crystal calm down. Most people have their first baby early, just look at Quinnie, and she is going to be fine being born now. But we have to go." Mrs. Fabray

"What about Puck? You have to call him, he has to be there. I promised he could be there." I said, panicked

"We'll call him on the way. Let's go. We'll see you guys later!" Mrs. Fabray said

* * *

 _At the hospital_

"It hurts." I cried

"I know baby I know." Mrs. Fabray said

Mrs. Fabray is trying to calm me.

"Where's Puck? He promised me he'd be here. He needs to be here!" I cried

"I just talked to him, he's coming." Quinn said

"Where is he?" I yelled

Another contraction hits me.

"Focus on this Crystal, he will be here." Mrs. Fabray said

A few minutes later the door flew open and a frantic looking Puck ran through.

"I'm so sorry!" Puck apologized

"I HATE YOU!" I cried out

"No, don't cry. I'm sorry." Puck said

He moves closer to me.

"Puck, she's having a baby. You know she is going to be in a lot of pain. So don't take everything she says to heart, just like with Quinn." Mrs. Fabray reminded him

"I know Mrs. Fabray." Puck said

"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK!" I shouted

Puck just rubs my shoulder and lets me practically break his hand, as I have a death grip on it.

"G, you're doing so good!" Puck said

"She's NEVER coming out!" I yelled

"Ok Genesis, she's crowning. Only a few more minutes until she's here." The doctor promised

"You can do this Crystal, you're doing great." Quinn said

She wipes my hair out of my face. I gave one last push and finally my baby was out.

"It's a healthy, beautiful girl." The doctor said

Puck cut the umbilical cord and the doctor put her on my chest.

"Thank you G. Thank you so much for her." Puck whispered

"Thank you. She looks just like you." I said

"Nah, looks beautiful like her mom." Puck replied

Mrs. Fabray leaves the room and I yawn.

"I'm so tired." I said

"Here, you take a little nap and I'll take her for you." Puck said

"Okay. Thank you both for being here with me, it means a lot." I said

"We wouldn't miss it for the world." Quinn said

"I'm sorry I was late." Puck said

* * *

 **3rd POV**

 _Later_

Puck walked out into the waiting room to talk to his mom and Mrs. Fabray.

"Hey, how is she?" Mrs. Fabray asked

"She's great. The doctor's teaching her some breastfeeding thing so I left. Quinn's in there with her." Puck said

"Both of your daughters are really beautiful, son." Mrs. Puckerman said

Mrs. Puckerman hugs Puck.

"They really are. Genesis did so good today, just like Quinn did last week. I've never experienced anything like that before. I'm really happy they both let me be there." Puck said

"Well, Crystal wanted you to be there. She was so worried you weren't going to make it. She threatened the doctor saying she'd kill him if he made her push before you got there." Mrs. Fabray said

"Really?" Puck asked

"Yeah." Mrs. Fabray confirmed

"She really cares for you Noah. They both do." Mrs. Fabray confessed

"Nah. She just knew I wanted to be there." Puck replied

"Mhm... and by the way congratulations!" Mrs. Fabray said

Mrs. Fabray gives Puck a hug.

"Thanks." Puck said

Puck smiles proudly.

As Puck, Mrs. Puckerman, and Mrs. Fabray waited for Quinn and Genesis to finish with the doctor, he texted Genesis' friends to update them on how Genesis was doing, figuring they would appreciate that.

"Who are you texting?" Mrs. Puckerman asked

"I was just letting Genesis' friends know she was doing good since she can't." Puck said

"Well that's really nice of you." Mrs. Puckerman said

"I guess." Puck responded

"I'm really proud of you Noah. You've grown up a lot the last couple of months and I can tell you're going to be an amazing dad." Mrs. Puckerman confessed

"You think so?" Puck asked

"I know so. You really care about them don't you?" Mrs. Puckerman asked

"Of course I do, Genesis and Quinn both gave me the most beautiful daughters." Puck answered

"Yes. But you care about them more than that. That's why you were so upset when you were almost late. It's why you are staying here tonight. It explains why you made sure the guest room next to the nursery was set up in a way Quinn and Genesis would like. And it is the reason you keep staring at the double doors to see the doctor leave the room." Mrs. Puckerman observed

"Whatever you say Ma." Puck answered

He was going to say more but the doctor exited Genesis' room and gave him a nod saying he could return.

"Uh, look I'll see you tomorrow. I have to get back." Puck said

"Ok. I'll see you later. Love you." Mrs. Puckerman said

"Love you too Ma." Puck said

Puck quickly heads to Genesis' room, while Mrs. Puckerman and Mrs. Fabray head back to their respective homes.

* * *

 **Genesis POV**

When Puck walks in Quinn is humming to a sleeping Beth in her arms, while I have Mandy in my arms. Puck lifts up my camera off the desk and snaps a few pictures of us.

"I look terrible right now!" I scolded

"Stop, you look beautiful." Puck replied

"I'm sweaty and I just had a baby not that long ago. I have to look disgusting." I said

"No, you've actually never looked more perfect. Both of you." Puck said

Puck kisses Beth and Mandy on their foreheads.

"Thanks." I said

I look down trying to hide my blush. The nurse comes in at that moment to take Mandy to the nursery for a little while. Before she could though, she offered to take a picture of the five of us.

"You don't mind?" Quinn asked

"Not at all. You have a beautiful little family." The nurse said

"Thank you." Quinn said

"No problem. Okay squish in close together." The nurse said

Puck puts his arms around me and he sits on the bed, leaning forward so his head is right next to mine, while Quinn sits on the other side of the bed, leaning next to me. The nurse snaps one picture and I hand Mandy to Puck so he is holding her now. In the third one, Puck is holding Beth.

"I'll take her for now so you can get more rest before her next feeding." The nurse said

She takes Mandy from my arms.

"Okay thank you." I said

"It's no problem." The nurse replied

She leaves the room.

Puck, Quinn, and I talk for a bit before we fall asleep.

 _'We are still in high school._

 _We aren't dating._

 _We argue all the time._

 _But, we are a family. Like many people say, this is only the beginning for us.'_


	23. Audition

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are in front of lockers, when Jacob Ben Israel walks up to us.

"How has life changed since the birth of your bastard children?" JBI asked Quinn and me

"They're not bastards, so I would very much appreciate you not calling them that, otherwise I'm gonna kick your ass." I said

"Well, we're happy to be back, and we're ready to start fresh." Quinn said

"And... we're a lot less hormonal, so..." I started

JBI's camera drifts to Santana's chest, I lift it back up on me.

"...so there's not really any crying." I finished

"How was your summer?" JBI asked Santana

He is looking at her boobs.

"My eyes are up here, JewFro. And it was uneventful." Santana said

"People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers." Brittany said

I look at her strangely before JBI starts focusing on me and Quinn, again.

"What did you do with all that breast milk?" JBI asked

"We feed our daughters." I said

I roll my eyes before grabbing Quinn's hand and leaving.

"I hate him so much." I said

"You and me both, he's such a perv." Quinn said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Glee is a giant ball of suck." Mr. Schuester read

He was reading JBI's most recent Glee Club blog. I know it's pretty unlikely that the Glee Club would ever be the popular group, especially if we keep losing.

"We get it, Mr. Shue." Kurt spoke up

He is sitting in the back of the choir room.

"Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain? Only difference now is that none of us really care." Kurt said

"Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want. None of it is going to break us," Mercedes agreed

"Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester nods, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.

"The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning." Mr. Schuester said

"Good. Why do we need new members?" Tina replied

She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"Well, since Matt transferred, we only have twelve members. And if we want to go to Nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel nods and stands up next to Mr. Schuester.

"Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. They were epic. We're going to need more voices in order to beat them." Rachel said

"Yeah." Finn agreed

Finn walks over to his, for some crazy reason, girlfriend and wraps an arm around her waist.

"Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one." Finn said

"Gross." Brittany muttered

Brittany sits behind me, and I raise my hand behind my head, and Brittany high–fives it. Beside Brittany, Santana rolls her eyes. No one in Glee Club really enjoyed Finn and Rachel's relationship. It's kind of (read: really) weird.

"You're going to have to trust me on this, guys,. Now, here's the plan. Nationals are in New York this year, and we are going—" Mr. Schuester started

We all start cheering.

"Now let's go out there and show the school how cool it's going to be, how cool we can be. If they're not going to come to us, let's go to them. They say we only sing show tunes and eighties pop. Let's show them how down we are. Let's give them the song of the year, New Directions style!" Mr. Schuester said

I actually don't think it is that bad of an idea. Granted, I do disagree with him on one thing he said—we do only do show tunes and eighties pop.

* * *

 _In the courtyard_

 _Finn and Mike are setting up the stereos with Rachel and Tina, while Kurt pushes Artie over to them. I am watching from the concrete stairs as Rachel presses the play button on one of the stereos, and music fills the air. We start performing "Empire State of Mind"._

 **Artie:**  
Yeah  
Yeah, I'm up at Brooklyn  
Now I'm down in Tribeca  
Right next to DeNiro  
But I'll be hood forever  
I'm the new Sinatra  
And since I made it here  
I can make it anywhere  
Yeah, they love me everywhere

 **Finn:**  
I used to cop in Harlem  
All of my Dominicanos  
Right there up on Broadway  
Brought me back to that McDonald's  
Took it to my stash box  
Five-Sixty state-street  
Catch me in the kitchen  
Like a Simmons with them pastries

 **Puck (Mercedes):**  
Eight million stories out there in it naked (Oh-wooh, woah)  
The city is a pity, half o' y'all won't make it  
Me, I got a plug Special Ed, "I Got It Made" (Woah-ooh-ooh)  
If Jesus payin' LeBron I'm payin' Dwayne Wade

Three-dice Cee-Lo (Whoa, ooh-ooh)  
Three-card Marley  
Labor Day Parade  
Rest in peace, Bob Marley  
Statue of Liberty (Whoa) ( **New Directions:** Come on)  
Long live the World trade ( **New Directions:** Come on, yeah-eah)  
Long live the kingdom ( **New Directions:** Come on, yeah-eah)  
I'm from the empire state from

 **Santana with New Directions (Puck):**  
In New York ( **Rachel:** New york) (Hey)  
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of  
There's nothing you can't do (That won't do) ( **Mercedes:** You can't do, oh)

Now you're in New York ( **Rachel:** You're in New York) (Welcome to the bright lights, baby)  
These streets will make ( **with Rachel:** you feel brand new) ( **Mercedes:** You feel brand new)  
Big lights will ( **with Rachel:** inspire you)

Let's hear it for New York ( **Mercedes:** Oh)  
New York  
New York ( **Rachel:** Yeah, hey)

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:**  
One hand in the air for the big city  
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty  
No place in the world that could compare  
Put your lighters in the air

 **Finn and Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Everybody say yeah, yeah ( **New Directions Girls:** Come on, come on)  
Yeah, yeah ( **New Directions Girls:** Come on)

 **Crystal with New Directions (New Directions):**  
In ( **with Mercedes:** New York) (New York)  
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of ( **Mercedes:** Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)  
There's nothing you can't do (You can't do)

Now you're in New York ( **Mercedes:** New York, New York) (New York)  
These streets will make you feel brand new ( **Mercedes:** Brand new) (Brand new)  
Big lights will ( **with Mercedes:** inspire you) (Inspire you)

Let's hear it for New York ( **Mercedes:** New York)  
New York ( **Mercedes:** New York)  
New York ( **Mercedes:** New York)

When we finish no one even acknowledges our performance and we all frown.

* * *

 _In the gym_

Coach Sylvester and Becky are sitting at a table judging the Cheerios tryouts.

"Next!" Coach Sylvester called

I walk into the gym.

"No way. Get out." Coach Sylvester said

"Coach Sylvester, please hear me out." I begged

"Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together." Coach Sylvester said

"I understand you had your confetti cannons taken away. Well, I'll bet there are quite a few church groups who would gladly give money to a squad who helped rehabilitate a girl who got pregnant and now speaks out for abstinence education while wearing a Cheerios uniform." I said

Coach Sylvester pauses for a few seconds.

"Next!" Coach Sylvester called

I walk out with a satisfied smirk and see Quinn walking in.

* * *

 _In the bathroom_

Quinn and I both made the Cheerios as co-captains, again. We are in the bathroom helping each other put our uniforms back on. Quinn grabs my hand and we start walking down the hallway, all heads turning to see us. Suddenly Santana pounces on me, pushing me into a locker.

"You did this to me. You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!" Santana exclaimed

I knew it was Quinn that told her about the boob job, but I played along because I knew Quinn couldn't take Santana.

"You have a surgery when you get your appendix out. You got a boob job." I said

"Yup, sure did." Santana said

She slaps me across the face.

"You can't hit me!" I exclaimed

"Oh, sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut." Santana said

Quinn is standing next to Brittany in front of the crowd forming around Santana and me. I grab Santana by the shoulders and push her against the lockers.

"Stop the violence." Brittany said

We fight and grab each other's hair, then Santana pushes me onto the ground. Mr. Schuester walks over to us.

"Hey, hey, what is this?!" Mr. Schuester exclaims

Mr. Schuester gets in between Santana and me.

"What happened to us being a family? Hey!" Mr. Schuester asked

I continue to struggle in Mr. Schuester's arms.

"Oh, please. She has a family. She's a mother!" Santana exclaimed

Santana and Brittany walk away, while I'm still being held back by Mr. Schuester.

"Walk away!" I yelled

"Hey!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"And tighten up your pony before you get to class!" I called

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all sitting in the choir room waiting for someone to show up at auditions.

"Well, hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone's gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day." Rachel said

"We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58." Mr. Schuester said

Majority of us get up to leave the room.

"Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me." Finn said

"Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool." Kurt said

"What about that Sunshine girl? I thought you said she could sing." Mercedes said

"I guess she didn't want to hang out with us losers." Rachel said

Quinn and I head over to Quinn's car and Puck follows us.

"Can I come over today?" Puck asked

"Sure, Beth and Mandy miss you." I said

"Awesome, I'll be there soon." Puck said

* * *

 _At the Fabray house_

"We're home!" Quinn called

Mrs. Fabray walks out of the kitchen with Beth in her arms. I see Mandy in her swing and I grab her. I see Quinn grab Beth from her mother. Mrs. Fabray has been so helpful to us, she takes care of Beth and Mandy while Quinn and I are at school. Once we get home we take care of the two girls with no help from Mrs. Fabray.

"How were they today?" I asked

"They were great, I was able to get a lot done today." Mrs. Fabray said

I go to say something else, when the doorbell rings. Mrs. Fabray heads into the kitchen to start dinner, and I open the door. I see it's Puck and I let him in. He takes Mandy from my arms and starts playing with her and Beth.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

A girl is standing on the stage, while the rest of us are sitting in the seats.

"Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing 'Listen' from the movie Dreamgirls." Sunshine says

"Broadway show first." Rachel interjected

We all tell Rachel to shut up.

Sunshine starts singing "Listen".

After she finishes we all cheer for her.

"Wow. Um..." Mr. Schuester started

He laughs.

"Welcome to the Glee Club." Mr. Schuester said


	24. BritneyBrittany

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester writes "Christopher Cross" on the board.

"All right. Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?" Mr. Schuester asked

"He discovered America." Brittany said

Finn nods in agreement.

"Close. He did write an iconic chart topper 'Sailing'." Mr. Schuester said

"I have a bad feeling about this lesson." Kurt said

Kurt slouches in his seat.

"Never heard of him. Don't want to hear about him." Tina said

"Now, some people think of the term 'easy listening' as a bad thing but I'm gonna let this music speak for itself." Mr. Schuester said

He gestures to the sheet music.

"You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones and you guys are really good about putting it all out there but really good music can also be controlled and restrained." Mr. Schuester said

He begins handing out sheet music.

"It doesn't have to attack an can let them come to you." Mr. Schuester said

Finn reads the sheet music.

"How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're like a hundred miles apart." Finn said

"Mr. Schue, if I may, I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky-smooth adult contemporary. It's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by, wait for it, Spears." Kurt said

We all get excited.

"Yo, Spears is fierce, yo." Artie said

We all murmur excitedly.

"Sorry, Kurt. Kurt. Sorry. No, no." Mr. Schuester said

He is shaking his head, but none of us are listening.

"No. I don't think she's a very good role model." Mr. Schuester said

"But, Mr. Schue, we kind of grew up with her." I said

"She's literally why I wanted to become a performer." Tina said

"I don't want to do Britney." Brittany said, quietly

She looks down at her hands.

"Why no Britney, Brittany?" Kurt asked

"Because my name is also Britney Spears." Brittany said

We all look at her.

"What?" Mr. Schuester asked

"What the hell is she talking about?" Mercedes asked

"My middle name is Susan. My last name is makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spierce. I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears's shadow.I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears." Brittany said

"Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry." Mr. Schuester said, almost smugly

"Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot." Kurt said, sarcastically

"Leave Brittany alone." Santana defended

"Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road." Brittany said to Santana

Santana is rubbing Brittany's back.

"Um, can we move on?" Rachel asked

"Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _The next day_

Ms. Pillsbury's new boyfriend, Carl, is talking to us today about dental hygiene.

"All right. So here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. If there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue." Carl explained

"Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen." Santana said

I nod in agreement.

"Yeah, I get that all the time." Carl said

"No. Like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever-" Santana started

"Santana!" Ms. Pillsbury cut her off

Carl starts handing out the capsules.

"Okay. Let's stay focused." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Rock and roll, Ems." Carl said

He grins and points at Mr. Schuester.

"And besides, this guy. Now, this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him." Carl said

"Ah, probably not." Mr. Schuester said

"All right. Let's take a look at those chompers, huh?" Carl said

He walks back in front of us.

"Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign." Kurt said

"Sorry. The answer's still no. Capsules, guys." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes. Chew away. Chew, chew." Ms. Pillsbury said

We all chew our capsules and smile showing off our pearly whites. Well everyone except Artie, Brittany, and Rachel.

"Oh, my God." Kurt said

He stares at Rachel in horror, and Rachel goes into her bag and pulls out her compact mirror.

"What? Ah! I don't understand. I floss between classes." Rachel said

"Well, sometimes it's genetics." Carl said

"I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror." Artie said

"There you go, blue tooth." Santana said, grinning

"I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I'm pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist." Brittany said

I look at her, shocked.

"I got this, Em. Some deep bleaching, little scaling, you'll be as good as new. All up." Carl said

Brittany opens her mouth, Carl groans.

"Close." Carl said

* * *

 _At the dentist_

"So, Santana, Crystal, I'm looking at your charts and your X-rays. Your teeth are perfect." Carl said

"That's right." I agreed

"Well, I can't just put you under." Carl said

Santana and I look at him, and cross our arms.

"Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious." Carl said

"Okay, listen. My dad's a not a 'tooth doctor'. A real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grille 'cause Britts, Genny, and I wants to get our anesthesia on." Santana said

"It's totally cool." Brittany said

"Well, okay. I guess I can give you a super-strong bleaching." Carl said

"Mmm." Santana hummed

"Should I turn the radio on?" Carl asked

"We've got it covered." Santana, Brittany, and I said

I put in my earbuds and start listening to "Circus".

 **Crystal:  
** There's only two types of people in the world  
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe  
Well baby I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl  
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first  
I'm like the ringleader  
I call the shots (call the shots)  
I'm like a firecracker  
I make it hot  
When I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins  
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break  
I'm like a performer, the dance floor is my stage  
Better be ready, hope ya feel the same

All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus  
When I crack that whip, everybody goin' trip  
Just like a circus  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor  
Just like a circus

There's only two types of guys out there,  
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared  
So baby I hope that you came prepared  
I run a tight ship so, beware  
I'm like the ringleader  
I call the shots  
I'm like a firecracker  
I make it hot  
When I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins  
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break  
I'm like a performer, the dance floor is my stage  
Better be ready, hope that ya feel the same

All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus  
When I crack that whip, everybody goin' trip  
Just like a circus  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor  
Just like a circus

Let's go  
Let me see what you can do  
I'm runnin' this (like, like, like, like a circus)  
Yeah  
Like a what? (like, like, like, like a circus)

All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus  
When I crack that whip, everybody goin' trip  
Just like a circus  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor  
Just like a circus

All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus  
When I crack that whip, everybody goin' trip  
Just like a circus  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor  
Just like a circus

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester tapes a picture of Christopher Cross on the board.

"Making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe Oscar and five-time Grammy award winner." Mr. Schuester said

Brittany raises her hands.

"Brittany." Mr. Schuester called

"I would just like to say that, from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club." Brittany said

"What?" Mr. Schuester asked

"When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am." Brittany said

"I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy too." I said

"Me too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how Brittany and my fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense." Santana said

"You see, ? I told Spears busted our Britt out of her everyday fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform." Kurt said

"I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, b*tch." Brittany said

"Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that." Mr. Schuester said

"You are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture and Britney Spears is pop culture. To suggest otherwise is heretical." Kurt said

"Kurt! I'm done talking about this." Mr. Schuester said

"Geez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so fricking uptight all the time!" Kurt yelled

We are all silent after Kurt's outburst/

"Kurt. I'll see you in the principal's office." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt grabs his things and leaves the room.

* * *

 _The next day_

"Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish but I actually dig this look." Santana said

I sarcastically clap.

"Yay." I said, sarcastically

"Thank you." Rachel said

Kurt stands up.

"I think what Santana's trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all." Kurt said

Kurt sits back down.

"Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently." Mr. Schuester said

"Bouncy, bouncy, bounc-" Artie said

"Hey, hey." Finn said

"Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist and since then it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and then. Maybe it's a good thing." Rachel said

"It's such a good thing, I can't believe it." Brittany said

Coach Sylvester appears in the choir room.

"William, a word." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _Later_

Artie is sitting in the front of the room, telling us about how he is now on the football team.

"I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work." Quinn said

"Did you get a leg transplant?" Brittany asked

"Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram." Artie said

"Yep. There's no rules against it. We checked." Finn said

"And I have Britney Spears to thank." Artie said

He points at Brittany.

"You're welcome." Brittany said

"Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea. And it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I really want to be on the team." Artie said

Finn nods proudly, and Rachel looks at him angrily.

"Wait. You're back on the football team?" Rachel asked

"Yeah." Finn said

"Suddenly you're way hotter to me. Weird." Santana said

"Wait.I don't get come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?" Puck asked

"The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams- often the last thing the patient thinks of." Artie explained

Mr. Schuester walks into the choir room.

"The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason." Artie finished explaining

"Okay, guys. Listen up." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt raises his hand.

"Mr. Schue, if I may-" Kurt started

"Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're gonna say. The answer is no." Mr. Schuester said

We all look at him upset.

"No, I'm not gonna stand in the way anymore .If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer in excitement.

"I know. Oh, and, more than that I am going to perform with you." Mr. Schuester said

We all go silent and Mr. Schuester laughs.

"Right?" Mr. Schuester asked, excitedly

We all look at him like he's crazy.

* * *

 _In the gym_

We are all behind the curtains, while Principal Figgins speaks to the student body.

"Quiet, please, children. Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment the Dulcimer Club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last-place finish at the regionals please give it up for the New Directions." Principal Figgins announced

The curtain opens and we begin to perform "Toxic".

 **Brittany:**  
Baby, can't you see? I'm calling  
A guy like you should wear a warning

 **Crystal with Brittany:**  
You're dangerous, I'm loving it

"I love Brittany Spears." JBI called

 **Will:**  
Too high, can't come down  
Losing my head, spinning round and round  
Oh, do you feel me now?

 **Crystal and Santana wit h New Directions:**  
With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride

"I wanna be that hat." Lauren Zizes called

 **Tina with New Directions:**  
You're toxic, I'm slipping under

 **Crystal and Santana with New Directions:**  
With a taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

 **Will:**  
Na, na, na, na, ah, oh

 **Crystal and Santana with New Directions:  
** And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

 **Will:**  
Ooh, na, ooh

"Take it off." JBI yelled

 **New Directions Boys (New Directions Girls):**  
Tun, tun, turuluturilin (Ha-ah-aah-ah)

"Yes!" JBI yelled

 **Brittany, Crystal, and Will:**  
It's getting late to give you up  
I took a sip from my devil's cup  
Slowly, it's taking over me

 **New Directions:**  
Ha, ah, ah, ah

 **Will with Tina:**  
Too high, can't come down  
It's in the air and it's all around

"Mr. Schue, let me be your Brittany!" Lauren yelled

 **Will:**  
Oh, can you feel me now?

 **New Directions Boys (New Directions Girls):**  
Tun, tun, turuluturilin (Ha-ah-aah-ah) ( **Will:** Oh)

 **Crystal with New Directions (Santana):**  
With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride (On a ride)

 **Tina (and Santana) with New Directions:**  
You're toxic, (I'm slipping under)

 **Crystal with New Directions:**  
With a taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you

 **New Directions Boys (New Directions Girls):**  
Tun, tun, turuluturilin (Ha-ah-aah-ah)

 **Crystal with New Directions (Santana):**  
Don't you know that you're toxic? (Cause I know that you're toxic)

"You're so sexy! You're so sexy!" JBI yelled

 **Will:**  
Na, na, na, na, ah, oh ( **Santana:** Heeey)

 **Santana with Crystal and New Directions:**  
I'm addicted to you  
( **Crystal:** Don't you) know that you're toxic?

"Mr. Schue, I want your babies!" Lauren yelled

 **Brittany and Will with New Directions:**  
Intoxicate me now, with your loving, now

"Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that!" JBI yelled

 **Brittany and Will with New Directions (Santana):**  
I think I'm ready now (Ah, I think I'm ready now)

"Yes!" JBI yelled

 **Brittany and Will with New Directions:**  
Intoxicate me now, with your loving, now

 **Brittany:**  
I think I'm ready

 **Santana:**  
I think I'm ready now

Suddenly the fire alarm goes off and everyone runs out of the gym.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Alright." Mr. Schuester said

He walks into the choir room and Rachel raises her hand.

"Rachel?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I have a song that I prepared for the class." Rachel said

"Sorry, Rachel. No Britney. I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly, she's just not us." Mr. Schuester said

"I am devastated.I can't believe we only did one Britney number." Kurt said

"I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week- adult contemporary- but this is just a little bit more young adult." Rachel said

Rachel stands up in front of us and Mr. Schuester sits down.

" , Rachel. Well, let's hear it." Mr. Schuester said

"I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend. Finn, I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that, in order for this relationship to work I have to open up my hands and let you fly free." Rachel said

"Finn can fly?" Brittany asked

"Really?" Kurt asked

"Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Kesha." Brittany said

"Shh." Mercedes shushed


	25. Grilled Cheesus

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"Mr. Schue? I have something to say." Finn said

He stands up and goes to the front of the room.

"Something happened to me and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core." Finn said

"Oh, my God, he's coming out." Puck commented

"Why, yes. There is a man who's sort of recently come into my life." Finn said

"Maybe he is coming out. I mean this makes sense, that's why he's dating RuPaul." I said

Quinn nods in agreement.

"And that man is Jesus Christ." Finn said

"That's way worse." Puck said

"And I know there's others in here who dig him too. And so I thought maybe this week we could pay tribute to him in music. You know, pay tribute to Jesus." Finn said

"Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science." Kurt said

"I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here." Mercedes said

"I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks." I said, smiling

"Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?" Santana asked

"Whenever I pray, I fall asleep." Brittany said

"Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about could do songs about spirituality." Mr. Schuester said

Puck rolls his eyes.

"You got a problem with Jesus?" Finn snapped at Puck

"Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Hebe. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everybody else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality, or whatever you want to call it, is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I see God every time I make out with a new chick." Puck said

"Okay, okay. That doesn't make any sense. In fact, it's stupid." Rachel said

"Are you calling Mr. Billy Joel stupid?" Puck asked

He looks at Rachel, who shut her mouth.

"At this time I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists. Hit it." Puck said

The band starts playing "Only The Good Die Young".

* * *

 _The next day_

We all walk into the choir room, with somber expressions on our faces. Tina walks up to Kurt and hugs him before sitting down.

"Hey, Kurt. We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack." Santana said

"Thanks, Santana." Kurt said

"I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon." Brittany said

Finn rushes into the choir room.

"What the hell happened?" Finn asked

"My dad's in the hospital." Kurt said

"I mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know." Finn said, annoyed

"I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father." Kurt snapped

"Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has but I thought we were sort of a family. Look, I guess I just, I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class." Finn said

Kurt looks hesitant, but moves his bag so Finn could sit next to him. Mr. Schuester walks into the room.

"Hey, guys. Our thoughts are all with Kurt and I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else-" Mr. Schuester started

Mercedes raises her hand.

"Mr. Schue?" Mercedes asked

"Yeah?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it." Mercedes said

Mr. Schuester motions for her to stand in the front of the room, which she does.

"This song is about being in a very dark place and turning to God. It's a spiritual song, Mr. Schue. Is that okay?" Mercedes asked

"It's fine." Mr. Schuester said

He smiles slightly.

"Crystal, Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please?" Mercedes asked

Tina, Quinn, and I stand up and go behind her. Mercedes starts singing "I Look To You".

 **Mercedes (Quinn, Crystal, and Tina):**  
As I lay me down  
Heaven hear me now  
I'm lost without a cause  
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come  
And darkened my sun  
After all that I've been through  
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you,  
I look to you  
After all my strength is gone  
In you I can be strong

I look to you (To you)  
I look to you, ohhh, ooooh (Oh-oh-oh)  
And when melodies are gone (Melodies are gone)  
In you I hear a song

I look to you  
Ooooh  
I look to you

"Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning, but I don't believe in God." Kurt said

Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, and I sit back down.

"Wait, what?" Tina asked

"You've all professed your beliefs.I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay, and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose as if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back." Kurt said

"But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God." Mercedes said

"You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?" Kurt said

"Is God an evil dwarf?" Brittany asked

"We shouldn't be talking like this." Quinn exclaimed

"It's not right." I added

"I'm sorry, Crystal, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts but I don't want your prayers." Kurt said

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester just told us we can't do any more religious songs.

"Last week we were too sexy. This week we're too religious. We can't win." Tina said

"Now I know what Miley feels like." Brittany said

"The real tragedy here is that I found the most perfect spiritual song to sing this week and now it's been torn away from me like Sophie's daughter." Rachel said

I look at Santana and we both roll our eyes.

"Guys, you can still sing whatever songs you like that sum up your feelings about God, about spirit. You just can't do it on school time." Mr. Schuester said

"I hope you're happy, Kurt." Santana said

"Having the week of my life, actually." Kurt said

"Guys, back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind." Mr. Schuester said

"Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good." Mercedes said

I nod in agreement.

"It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one." Kurt said

* * *

 _At the hospital_

Quinn, Mercedes, Rachel, Carole, Finn, and I are sitting in Burt's hospital room. Right now, Rachel is singing "Papa Can You Hear Me?" to Burt's comatose body.

"Who's next?" Rachel asked

Kurt walks into the room.

"What's going on in here?" Kurt asked

"We-We were just praying for your dad." Rachel said

"Rachel, Crystal, Quinn, and I are taking turns. We're from different denominations and religions so we figured one of us is bound to be right." Mercedes said

"I didn't ask you to do this." Kurt said

"Honey, I know you're upset about what's happening. I get it. But friends help out, even when you don't ask." Carole said

A woman walks up to Kurt.

"Mr. Kurt Hummel?" The woman said

"Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?" Finn asked

I shake my head at his stupidity.

"I'm not Muslim. I'm a Sikh." The woman said

"She's gonna see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad's brain. Amazingly, needles pierce the skin better than psalms. Can you all please leave now?" Kurt asked

"We just wanted to do something." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week, but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family. Let's hear it for Finn, on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season." Mr. Schuester said

We all clap for Finn.

"Too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother." Puck said

Kurt stands up and walks to the front of the room.

"Mr. Schue, if I may?" Kurt asked

"Yeah.

"Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad but for your information, his condition remains the same. I need to express myself so with your permission, Mr. Schue I've prepared a number for the occasion." Kurt said

"Of course, Kurt." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester sits down in the back.

"On the day of my mom's funeral when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean, that was it. It was the last time I was ever going to see her and I remember I looked up at my dad and I-I just wanted him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over. And he just took my hand and squeezed it and just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me, that was enough. This is for my dad." Kurt said

* * *

 _The next day_

As Finn is singing, I look around confused.

"I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion." Tina said

"Evidently, we can't sing about faith but we can sing about losing faith." Mercedes said

Mr. Schuester stands up.

"That's sort of what I want to talk about today. Earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently." Mr. Schuester said

"I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now I'm not so sure." Finn said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We are singing "One Of Us".

 **Tina:**  
If God had a name  
What would it be?  
And would you call it to his face?  
If you were faced with him in all his glory  
What would you ask if you had just one question?

 **Finn with New Directions:**  
And yeah, yeah  
God is great  
Yeah, yeah  
God is good  
Yeah, yeah

 **Rachel with Finn and New Directions:  
** Yeah, yeah, yeah

 **Rachel with Finn and New Directions (Mercedes):**  
What if God was one of us (What if God was one of us)  
( **Rachel:** Oh) Just a slob like one of us (Just a slob like one of us)  
( **Rachel:** Oh) Just a stranger on the bus  
Tryin' to make his way home (Tryin' to make his way home)  
Just tryin' to make his way home (Tryin' to find his way home)

 **Rachel and New Directions (Mercedes):  
** Just tryin' to make his way home (Way home, ooh)

 **Tina (New Directions):**  
(Yeah, yeah, God is great) Nobody callin' on the phone  
(Yeah, yeah, God is good) 'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)


	26. Duets

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

I walk into the choir room and sit down next to Quinn. Mr. Schuester walks in a few minutes later.

"All right, let's, uh, let's gather around. Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in juvie." Mr. Schuester said

"It really was just a matter of time." Tina said

"What did he do?" Quinn asked

"He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store and drove off with the ATM." Mr. Schuester said

I sigh and put my head in my hands, as Brittany and Santana laugh.

"And when is he getting out?" Rachel asked

"Unknown." Mr. Schuester said

"He might be the dumbest person on this planet, and that's coming from me." Brittany said

Everyone, except me and Quinn, laugh.

"Guys! Let's have some sympathy." Mr. Schuester said

"For a guy who put his needs before the team's? We need his voice and his bad-boy stage presence." Finn said

"We can't look at this as, as a crisis. It's an opportunity." Mr. Schuester said

"For what? Further embarrassment and humiliation?" I asked

"For welcoming our new members... Sam and Nate Evans!" Mr. Schuester introduced

Two blonde haired boys enter the room.

"There they are. How's it going?" Finn asked

"Hey, everybody. I'm Sam... Sam, I am... And I don't like green eggs and ham." Sam said

"Oh, wow. He has no game." Santana muttered

"Hey, I'm Nate." Nate said

"Okay! This is gonna be great. You're not going to regret joining, Nate, Sam." Finn said

"Oh, good." Sam said

"Sam, you sit right here." Finn said

Sam goes and sits next to Finn, and Nate sits next to Sam.

"All right! Question for the group. What's a duet?" Mr. Schuester asked

"A blanket." Brittany said

"A duet is when two voices join to become one. Great duets are like a great marriage. The singers complement each other, push each other to be better. Now, some people may think..." Mr. Schuester started

"Pssst! They're on team gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993." Kurt whispered

"You're crazy, circa 2010." Mercedes whispered back

"...And that is what duets are all about. So, this week I want you to pair up and sing a duet. And, since you guys all seemed to love our little Defying Gravity diva-off, I'm making this a competition." Mr. Schuester said

"What's the winner get?" Mike asked

"Dinner for two, on me... at Breadstix." Mr. Schuester announced

We all gasp.

"Breadstix, yes!" Tina exclaimed

We all chatter excitedly.

"I have to win." Santana said

"I know." Brittany said

"I have to win." Santana said, again

"I love this idea! I love this idea!" Tina exclaimed

"Who you gonna sing with, Kurt?" Mercedes asked

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Karofsky and Azimio each toss a slushie in Sam's face.

"Boom!" Karofsky exclaimed

"Welcome to glee club, lady lips!" Azimio exclaimed

Karofsky and Azimio walk away laughing, while Sam is frozen in place. I see Quinn approach Sam and take him into the bathroom.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Santana and Mercedes perform "River Deep, Mountain High." Brittany looks on boredly, while everyone else is rocking out.

We all cheer and applaud as the song ends.

"Whoo! Ladies, nice work! What an incredible song!" Mr. Schuester said

"And just so you know, I've already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? 'Cause we's be going..." Santana started

"To Breadstix!" Mercedes and Santana said, in usion

Santana and Mercedes high five, and Mr. Schuester laughs.

"You hear that, guys? You have your work cut out for you." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _The next day_

"Okay, guys, so... who's up first today?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Mr. Schue, if I may?" Kurt asked

Kurt moves to stand in the front of the room.

"You may." Mr. Schuester said

"As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership." Kurt said

"Okay, so who are you going to sing a duet with?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Only the most talented member of the glee club... myself. When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone. I've asked a few members of the glee club as well as some Cheerios to help me out." Kurt said

"How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something." Santana said

I laugh.

"I will be doing a number from the seminal classic movie Victor/Victoria. It's a show about embracing both the male and the female sides. Watch and learn, Santana." Kurt said

Kurt turns to Brad at the piano.

"Hit it!" Kurt said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Kurt performs "Le Jazz Hot." Brittany, Mike, Nate, and I join him, and other dancers on-stage. Mr. Schuester and the glee club watch from the audience.

Everyone is laughing, cheers, and applauding as the song ends.

* * *

 _In a classroom_

Nate and I are looking up at a model of the Solar System.

"I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problems seem kind of small. That one's Venus, planet of love." Nate said

He pointed at Mars.

"It's actually Mars, planet of war." I corrected

"Which one are we on?" Nate asked

"Earth, so why don't you come back to it and talk to me about duets? Tell me why I should be singing with you." I said

"Okay. Well, I want to start off with the choreography." Nate said

Nate straps on a guitar.

"Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing..." Nate started

He begins strumming the guitar.

"All right, now get behind me." Nate instructed

I don't move.

"Get behind me." Nate said, again

I move to stand behind him.

"Good. Now grab my hips." Nate said

I snicker.

"And start swaying. And now, here's the cool part. Give me your hand. Do you know how to play?" Nate asked

"No." I said

"All right, it's easy." Nate said

Nate takes my hand and positions it on the neck of the guitar.

"Just put that finger there. Just like that." Nate said

Nate starts strumming again.

"Now do it fast, back and forth. There you go." Nate said

We look intensely into each other's eyes and Nate leans in for a kiss. I back away, shaking my head.

"No. No, I can't do this. This year is about me. And don't say that I'm selfish, because you have no idea how much I have given." I said

"I wasn't... I wasn't gonna..." Nate stuttered

"I've been down this path before. I know this feeling – like I need you. Duets don't work for me, and I don't need you. What I need is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels. What I need is to find a way–" I started

"I'm... I'm sorry..." Nate apologized

"–to torture Rachel. And I need to start learning to ignore people." I finished

"And I'm sorry, I shouldn't... I shouldn't have tried that." Nate said

"I'm sorry. I made a mistake, and, um... I don't want to sing with you." I said

I rush out of the classroom.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mike and Tina are standing in front of the glee club. Mike looks nervous.

"I don't think I can do this." Mike said

"It's the perfect song for this very situation." Tina said

"Whenever you're ready, guys." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah, hurry up. I needs to get myself to Breadstix." Santana said

"Don't count on it... I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot." Brittany said to Santana

Santana looks bewildered.

"Trust me, you're gonna be great." Tina said to Mike

Mike and Tina perform "Sing."

We all cheer and applaud when the song ends.

"Now that is a duet! Thank you, Tina, for introducing us to the amazing voice of Mike Chang!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

There is another round of applause.

"That was good!" Brittany said

* * *

 _In the bathroom_

I am at the mirror putting on makeup, when Rachel enters.

"Hey, Crystal, can we talk?" Rachel asked

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked

"About Nate. I heard that you backed out of doing the duet with him?" Rachel said

I nod.

"Look, I understand that your reputation is important to you, but wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to be on top of the proverbial pyramid in every aspect of your life?" Rachel asked

"Singing with Nate won't change that." I said

"Oh, but winning the competition will." Rachel said

I turn to leave.

"And partnering with Nate is really your only shot at it." Rachel said

I pause at the door.

"What's your angle?" I asked

"Angle?" Rachel asked

"What's your angle? Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, so what is in it for you?" I asked

"Look, I agree. Okay, you're probably not gonna beat Finn and I, but I just thought that, as the team captain, it would be good for the team to have some healthy competition for second place." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

I am walking down the hall and Nate catches up with me.

"Hey. Listen, I was totally out of line with you. I promise it won't happen again, though you might have to wear sunglasses whenever we're together." Nate said

"Good. Because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix." I said

We walk away.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel and Finn, dressed as religious figures, perform "With You I'm Born Again".

During the song we all look disturbed/confused/offended.

"This isn't happening." Mercedes said while Rachel and Finn are still singing

There is awkward silence as the song ends. Mike attempts a polite clap, but Tina grabs his hands.

"Okay, do I even need to say it?" I said

"That was really rude." Sam said

"Like... really rude." Tina said

"I seriously wanted to punch both of you." Quinn said

"I have to agree. It's a great duet, but what you guys did with it was... really inappropriate. Your costume choice was a little insensitive. Frankly... I'm disappointed." Mr. Schuester said

"What?!" Rachel exclaimed

"Are you serious? I'm..." Finn started

"Shocked." Rachel finished

"Shocked." Finn repeated

"We're... we're shocked. I... I really hope that this doesn't cost us the competition." Rachel said

"Yeah, uh..." Finn stuttered

"Hey. Let's sit down. Come." Rachel said

"Well, getting back on track, who's next?" Mr. Schuester asked

Sam and Quinn stand up.

"All right." Mr. Schuester said

"Okay, I just want to say I'm really excited, and that I couldn't have asked for a better partner." Sam said

Sam and Quinn start to perform "Lucky".

"So freakin' charming." Santana said, disgusted

We all applaud as the song ends. After they finish, Nate and I stand up. We begin singing "You Can Come To Me".

 **Crystal** :  
When you're on your own  
Drowning alone  
And you need a rope that can pull you in  
Someone will throw it

 **Nate** :  
And when you're afraid  
That you're gonna break  
And you need a way to feel strong again  
Someone will know it

 **Crystal and Nate** :  
And even when it hurts the most  
Try to have a little hope  
That someone's gonna be there when you don't  
When you don't

If you want to cry I'll be your shoulder  
If you want to laugh I'll be your smile  
If you want to fly I will be your sky  
Anything you'll need, that's what I'll be

If you want to climb I'll be your ladder  
If you want to run, I'll be your road  
If you want a friend, it doesn't matter when  
Anything you'll need, that's what I'll be  
You can come to me

 **Crystal:  
** You can come to me, yeah

Everyone applauds when we finish.

"Is that an original song?" Mr. Schuester asked

I nod.

"Yeah, I wrote it." I said

"Well, well-done Nate and Crystal." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _The next day_

"Okay! Since Artie and Brittany have dropped out of the race, I guess it's time to take it to a vote." Mr. Schuester said

I write down **"Nate + Crystal"**.

"Well, even though it looks like just about everyone voted for themselves – even those who didn't compete – we do have a winner. And the winner is... by two votes... a tie! Sam and Quinn, and Nate and Crystal!" Mr. Schuester announced

"What?! What?!" Santana yelled

She jumps out of her seat.

"Screw that, I want my 'stix!" Santana exclaimed

Mercedes pulls Santana back down into her seat.

"Ooh, let it go. Let go. Let it go!" Mercedes said

"Unbelievable!" Santana exclaimed

"It was mine! No, I don't know how this happened!" Rachel exclaimed

Mercedes attempts to console Santana.

"Unbelievable." Rachel said

"This is so not a date." I said to Nate

* * *

 _At Breadstix_

Quinn and I are seated next to each other, while Sam and Nater are on the opposite side the table.

Quinn grabs a breadstick.

"You know, I hear they don't even make these fresh. They fly them in frozen from some factory in the Dominican Republic." Quinn said

"I once caught some pretty sweet waves down in the Dominican. Hey, hey, hey." Sam said, in a strange voice

"Uh..." Quinn said

"Come on, it's my Matthew McConaughey impression! Come on!" Sam said

"Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the... Na'vi?" Quinn asked

"I, uh, I don't know. We went to an all-boys boarding school." Sam said

"Makes sense." I said

"It must be hard. I think if I went through what you two went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something out of embarrassment. Okay, that didn't come out right. I mean, you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of." Sam said

"Oh, holy crap. So you... so you are gay?" I asked

Sam and Nate laugh.

"What? No. Not at all. When we found out we were moving here, we wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if we looked like Swayze in "Point Break," people might think we were surfers or something." Nate said

Quinn and I laugh.

"We didn't think it through very clearly. So... we put lemon juice in our hair." Nate explained

Quinn and I laugh harder.

"We would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense." Nate said

"I think it looks cute." I said

"Really?" Nate asked

We all laugh. I look at Quinn and she nods. I grab the Breadstix gift certificate off the table and put it away.

"What are you doing?" Nate asked

"We're not using that. You're paying." Quinn said

"Why?" Sam asked

"Because a gentleman always pays on the first date." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel and Kurt are singing a mashup of "Happy Days Are Here Again" and "Get Happy" in front of the glee club.


	27. The Rocky Horror Glee Show

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"So, what are you going to be for Halloween this year?" Kurt asked

"I'm going as a peanut allergy." Brittany said, smiling

Mr. Schuester walks in holding scripts.

"Great news guys! I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson. It's a musical." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel looks up and starts whispering.

"Please be Evita. Please be Evita. Please be Evita." Rachel whispered

"Rocky Horror!" Mr. Schuester announced

We all break out into chatter.

"I've never seen it." Finn said

Rachel looks concerned.

"Mr. Schue?" Rachel said

"Yeah?" Mr. Schuester asked

"While I admire your choice of a groundbreaking 70's musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?" Rachel asked

"Seriously, a school in Texas couldn't even do Rent. It caused an outrage and they had to cancel the show." Kurt said

"Isn't that the whole point of the arts? Pushing boundaries? Doing things people say you can't do for the sake of self-expression?" Mr. Schuester asked

Brittany and Artie nod intensely.

"Look, I figured it all out. I cut out some of the more risqué sections and I'm sending home permission slips to all your parents to make sure they're okay with it." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester hands out the permission slips.

"And we're going to charge admission and use the proceeds to help pay for transportation to nations in New York!" Mr. Schuester announced

The entire club gasps and murmurs their agreement.

"Okay, let's talk about casting." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh! Finn and I will play Brad and Janet." Rachel said

"Shocker." I said, sarcastically

Mr. Schuester points to Rachel and nods his approval. He walks over to the piano to write down their names.

"And I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?" Artie asked

"That's what I was thinking. And, I thought Kurt could play the role of Frankenfurter." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt shakes his head.

"No. There is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick!" Kurt exclaimed

"Why, 'cause that look was last season?" Santana asked, smirking

Kurt turns and looks angrily at Santana.

"I'll do it!" Mike exclaimed

"Really? It's like the male lead." Tina said

"I know but I'm feeling a little more confident about my singing voice after our duets project." Mike said

"Great! I have no problem with that! Now, we're a little short on female roles. So, we're going to have to double up on Columbia's and Magenta's." Mr. Schuester said

"It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices." Rachel said

"I'd like to preserve you in a jar in my basement." Mercedes said

We all laugh at Rachel.

"Sam, I'd like you to play the role of the creature." Mr. Schuester said

"From the black lagoon?" Sam asked

"Rocky. He's like the Frankenstein character except blonde. You'll kill the part. He's cute just like you." Quinn said

"Better start working on those abs." Santana said

Sam lifts up his shirt to show his abs.

"Are you kidding me? You could cut glass with these babies. I have no problem showing off my body." Sam said

Finn looks worried.

"Okay! Looks like we got ourselves a show!" Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer.

* * *

 _The next day_

Finn, Rachel, Quinn, Mercedes, and Kurt are preparing to rehearse the song "Damn it, Janet".

"Alright, places, Finn and Rachel. I'm going to start with Damn It, Janet." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh, I cannot wait until Finn takes he top off so we can all see the hot mess underneath." Santana said

"What are you talking about?" Finn said

"You can't have sloppy-joe's every day for lunch and think you can get away with it." I said

"Um, that's incredibly rude!" Rachel exclaimed

"Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we look every day! They objectify us all the time." Quinn said

"She sort of has a point." Tina said

"Yeah, earlier today, Artie asked me if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra." Santana said

Mr. Schuester frowns at Artie who tries to look innocent.

"I'm super looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini." Brittany said

"It's going to be 'abulous'." Sam said

"Can we get on with rehearsal?" Finn asked

"Yeah!" Rachel exclaimed

"I agree, yes. Let's stay focused, guys. Alright, Riff Raff, Columbia and Magenta team one, take yours places. Let's rock n' roll." Mr. Schuester said

Finn, Rachel, Quinn, Mercedes, and Kurt perform "Damn It, Janet."

Coach Sylvester walks in halfway through and gestures that Mr. Schuester should follow her into the hall.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester, Ms. Pillsbury, and Carl are talking in front of us.

"I don't understand." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, you guys have a hole to fill and I'm just trying to help fill it." Carl said

"Wanky." Santana said

"Santana!" Ms. Pillsbury exclaimed

"Well, you know, I can't just give you a role! You have to try out." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, fair enough. But, I'll need a lady to sing to. Ems?" Carl asked

"Okay." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Hot Patootie, B flat." Carl said

Carl starts performing "Hot Patootie".

 **Carl:**  
Whatever happened to Saturday night?  
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?  
It don't seem the same since cosmic light  
Came into my life, I thought I was divine

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go  
I'd listen to the music on the radio  
A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n' roll show  
You climbed in the back seat  
Really had a good time

 **Carl with New Directions:**  
Hot patootie - bless my soul  
I really love that Rock and Roll  
Hot patootie, bless my soul  
I really love that Rock and Roll

 **Carl:**  
My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled  
My hands kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt  
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt  
She'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine

Get back in front and put some hair oil-on  
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song  
With your arms around your girl, you try to sing along  
You felt pretty good... Whoo!  
Really had a good time

 **Carl with New Directions:**  
Hot patootie - bless my soul  
I really love that Rock and Roll  
Hot patootie, bless my soul  
I really love that Rock and Roll

 **Carl:**  
Hot patootie - bless my soul ( **New Directions Boys:** My soul...)  
I really love that Rock and Roll ( **New Directions Girls:** Rock and Roll)  
Hot patootie - bless my soul ( **New Directions Boys:** My soul...)  
I really love that Rock and Roll ( **New Directions Girls:** Rock and Roll)  
Hot patootie - bless my soul ( **New Directions Boys:** Ooohhh...)  
I really love that Rock and Roll ( **New Directions Girls:** Rock and Roll...)  
Hot patootie - bless my soul ( **New Directions Boys:** Ooohhh...)  
I really love that Rock and Roll ( **New Directions Girls:** Rock and Roll)

"Wait, wait! This will not do!" Coach Sylvester exclaimed

"Excuse me?" Carl asked

"For this musical to continue we need a Frankenfurter, not an Eddie! Eddie was eliminated in my rewrites!" Coach Sylvester explained

Mr. Schuester smirks at Carl.

"Sue's right. You want to play in our sandbox? Sing a Frankefurter number." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, I'm sorry, bro. I think it's fine to wear that Franken-bustier in the privacy of your own home – I'm freaky like that. But, don't you think it's a little inappropriate in a high school musical? At least if I play Eddie, I won't have to grind up against the students." Carl said

Santana and I raise our hands to volunteer and Mercedes pushes our hands down.

"You know Eddie's an important role. If I did it, I'd be showing my support for the arts." Carl said

Mr. Schuester laughs.

"Are you telling me how to direct my show?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Will, Will!" Carl said

Mercedes raises her hand.

"Mr. Schue? I'd like to play Frankenfurter. I was re-reading the script yesterday and it said, 'Don't dream it, be it'. And it's my dream to play a lead role so, I figure, why not me? I mean, I'd be all kinds of crazy sexy in that outfit. And, I can reinterpret the number a little bit, making it more modern. I'd really like the chance Mr. Schue." Mercedes said

"Well, there you go, Will. You killed two birds with one stone here today. Congratulations! Look, you got yourself a Frankenfurter and an Eddie. This is outstanding!" Coach Sylvester exclaimed

Everybody claps, Mr. Schuester and Carl shake hands.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury are preparing to watch the dress rehearsal.

"Okay, guys. Places!" Mr. Schuester announced

The curtain opens to reveal the all of us on stage in our costumes. Finn steps forward.

"Um, Mr. Schue? I know I'm supposed to be in my underwear for this scene and I'm totally down with that but, um, I thought I'd save it for the opening, if that okay?" Finn asked

Mr. Schuester gives Finn the okay and Sam walks onstage.

"Um, also, Ms. Pillsbury? Is there a way I can wear some gold board shorts or something? These are really short and I'm afraid I'm going to show off some nuttage." Sam said

"Well-" Ms. Pillsbury started

"We'll take a note. We can't stop guys! It's a dress rehearsal. C'mon, keep going! And action!" Mr. Schuester called

"Oh, Brad! Let's get out of here. I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm just plain scared!" Rachel acted

"Well, I'm here and there's nothing to worry about." Finn acted

Rachel screams and feints as Mercedes comes down the elevator as Frankenfurter. Mercedes begins singing "Sweet Transvestite".

 **Mercedes:**  
How d' you do  
I see you've met my faithful handyman  
He's just a little brought down  
Cause when you knocked  
He thought you were the candy-man  
Don't get strung out by the way I look  
Don't judge a book by its cover  
I'm not much of a girl by the light of day  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite  
From Sensational, Transylvania

Why don't you stay for the night? ( **Santana:** Night!)  
Or maybe a bite? ( **Brittany:** Bite!)  
I could show you my favorite obsession  
I've been making a man  
With blond hair and a tan  
And he's good for relieving my tension

 **Mercedes (New Directions):**  
I'm just a Sweet Transvestite (Sweet Transvestite)  
From Sensational, ( **with New Directions:** Transylvania)  
Hey, hey  
I'm just a Sweet Transvestite (Sweet, sweet Transvestite)  
From Sensational, ( **with New Directions:** Transylvania)

So, come up to the lab  
And see what's on the slab  
I see you shiver with antici-( **with** **Emma and Will** : pation)  
But maybe the rain  
Isn't really to blame  
So I'll remove the cause  
Hahahaha  
But not the symptom

Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury clap and cheer. Carl drives through the wall on his motorcycle.

"Now, that's an entrance!" Ms. Pillsbury exclaimed

"Mr. Director, did I take that wall out right?" Carl asked

"You're two acts early, Carl! You're supposed to bust through the dinner party scene!" Mr. Schuester said

"Well, I was sort of feeling my entrance in this scene." Carl said

Ms. Pillsbury claps.

"Such good, good interesting impulses." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Bravo, Carl! Bravo." Mr. Schuester applauded, sarcastically

* * *

 _Later_

Finn and Rachel are singing "There's A Light".

 **Rachel:**  
In the velvet darkness of the blackest night  
Burning bright, there's a guiding star  
No matter what or who, who you are

 **Finn and Rachel (New Directions):**  
There's a light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)  
There's a light (Burning in the fireplace)  
There's a light, light...  
In the darkness of everybody

Carl suddenly bursts in.

"Whoa, whoa! Schuester, you messing with my woman? I thought we had a deal?" Carl asked

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes, you do! Because Emma and I have a full disclosure policy: total honesty. It's something that allows us to have a little something I like to call, intimacy. Something you clearly know nothing about!" Carl exclaimed

"Look we were just rehearsing." Mr. Schuester said

"Stop it, bro! Man-to-man, you gave me your word." Carl said

"So what, you're quitting the show?" Mr. Schuester asked

"No, no. Unlike you, I believe in the power of the arts. I don't use them to pick up other guys' chicks." Carl said

We all slink away on stage.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I want to apologize for putting you guys through all of this, particularly, Finn and Sam." Mr. Schuester said

"It's cool, Mr. Schue. I'm sure all the teasing will die down by the time our tenth reunion rolls around." Finn said

"And I got asked to be June in the men of McKinley High calendar." Sam said

"I'm happy for you but we still can't do the musical. I was wrong. Rocky Horror isn't about pushing boundaries or making an audience accept a certain rebellious point of view. Those were my reasons for doing it and they aren't worth risking what we have here. When I was younger and they started midnight shows of Rocky Horror it wasn't for envelope-pushers. It was for outcasts. People on the fringes who had no place left to go but were searching for some place, any place where they felt like they belonged. Sound familiar? The truth is, with that perspective Rocky Horror is the perfect show for this club." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, then why aren't we putting it on?" Santana asked

"We're still going to perform Rocky Horror we're just not doing it for an audience, we're doing it for ourselves." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We all perform "Time Warp" for Mr. Schuester.

 **Kurt:**  
It's astounding  
Time is fleeting  
Madness takes it's toll  
But listen closely

 **Quinn:**  
Not for very much longer

 **Kurt:**  
I've got to keep control

 **Finn:**  
I remember doing the Time Warp  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me

 **Finn with Quinn:**  
And the void would be calling

 **New Directions:**  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

 **Artie:**  
It's just a jump to the left

 **New Directions:**  
And then a step to the right

 **Artie:**  
Put your hands on your hips

 **New Directions:**  
And bring your knees in tight  
But it's a pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane

Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

 **Quinn:**  
It's so dreamy  
Oh, fantasy, free me  
So you can't see me  
No, not at all

In another dimension  
With voyeuristic intentions  
Well secluded  
Oh, I'll see it all

 **Kurt:**  
With a bit of a mind flip

 **Quinn:**  
You're into the time slip

 **Kurt:**  
And nothing can ever be the same

 **Quinn:**  
You're spaced out on sensation, ow

 **Finn:**  
Like you're under sedation

 **New Directions:**  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

 **Brittany:**  
Well, I was walking down the street  
Just a-having a think  
When a snake of a guy  
Gave me an evil wink

 **Tina:**  
He shook-a me up  
He took me by surprise  
He had a pickup truck  
And the devil's eyes  
He stared at me and I felt a change  
Time meant nothing, never would again

 **New Directions:**  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

 **Artie:**  
It's just a jump to the left

 **New Directions:**  
And then a step to the right

 **Artie:**  
Put your hands on your hips

 **New Directions:**  
And bring your knees in tight  
But it's a pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

At the end of the song Mr. Schuester cheers for us.


	28. Never Been Kissed

**Crystal POV**

 _At Nate's house_

Nate and I are making out, when Nate's hand starts riding up my thigh.

"No." I said

"C'mon, a little something-something." Nate said

"A little something-something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember? When we're Prom King and Queen, it'll feel just as good as a little something-something." I said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Alright guys, let's get down to business! First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvy has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day." Puck said

"Oh, what a catch." Quinn said, sarcastically

"Can't believe we ever let you go." I said, sarcastically

"And now, drumroll, Finn! Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month." Mr. Schuester said

"Okay." Rachel said

"First, the a'capella group from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah!" Finn said

"Okay, hold up. Like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head." Santana said

Kurt looks at Santana, annoyed.

"And the other team to beat, the Hipsters. A first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs." Mr. Schuester explained

"Is that legal?" Rachel asked

"How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?" Mercedes asked

"Pu-lease those old ladies are so mean to me and Quinn when we're out with Mandy and Beth. They are so damn judgy." I said

"Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis." Puck said

"Moving on. Since this seems to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I wanna make this week our second annual boys versus girls tournament. So! Split up into two groups, and, uh, figure out which songs you're gonna sing." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt joins us girls on our side.

"Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my emergency mash-up..." Rachel started

"Kurt, gonna say it again. Boys team." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt moves back to the boys team.

* * *

 _The next day_

"I'm not tossing the baby out with the bath water here." Mr. Schuester said

"I've totally done that." Brittany said

I look at her strangely.

"We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girls groups. And girls, try some classic rock. Uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more choice you get." Mr. Schuester said

"Don't worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control." Kurt said

* * *

 _In my bedroom_

Nate and I are making out in my bedroom, I grind a little on his lap.

"This hot enough for you?" I asked

He says nothing

"Say my name, Nate." I said

He still says nothing.

"I said, say my name." I said

"Beiste." Nate muttered

I pull away from him and look at him weirdly.

"Are you okay?" I asked

"Yeah. I could do this for hours." Nate said

* * *

 _In Coach Sylvester's office_

Quinn and I are sitting in front of Coach Sylvester telling her about how Sam and Nate both muttered "Beiste" when we were making out.

"I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it. Beiste. I think he was picturing making out with her." I said

"That is the most horrific image I can imagine." Coach Sylvester said

"Coach, we need help. We've done everything we can to rebuild our images. We're getting straight As, dating the cutest guys at school-" Quinn started

"Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God. Why did I say that, now that's what I'm picturing. You know what kind of disgusting images I'm gonna have to look at to get this outta my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the womb care centre, I'll have to stare at some wombs." Coach Sylvester said

"Coach, we really don't know what to do." I said

"Wait. This may be the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and get your Macaulay Culkin stunt doubles back in your arms." Coach Sylvester said

"What do we have to do?" Quinn asked

"We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this. Turn Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give the boys a piece of your mind. Loud. And in public. Show them who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the three of them making out during an episode of Who's The Boss." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn is talking to Sam by her locker, while I'm on the other side of the hallway talking to Nate by his locker.

"Just be honest with me. I won't get mad at you if you tell me the truth, I'll be relieved." I said

"Really. Because it looks like you're gonna be mad no matter what I say." Nate said

Nate closes the door to his locker and starts walking away, I follow him.

"You said another woman's name while you were kissing me. Look. I get it. She's in a position of power over you, which can be exciting and you clearly like women who give you a hard time." I said

Nate stops walking.

"I'm not cheating on you with my football coach!" Nate exclaimed

He looks around at everyone before coming closer to me.

"Look. Can we talk about this in private?" Nate asked, whispering

"Why, am I embarrassing you?" I asked, loudly

"It's not what you think." Nate said

"What I think is that I'm not putting out for you, so you're getting wherever you can, including the locker room with the Beiste." I said

Coach Beiste comes up to me and Nate/

"What's this?" Coach Beiste asked

"This is a lover's quarrel and it's your fault!" I exclaimed

"Watch your tone with me missy, you crap on my leg, I'll cut it off!" Coach Beiste exclaimed

"I'll leave you two." I said

I storm away from the two.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

All us girls are making our costumes for the mash-off.

"The boys beat us the last time we competed against them, we've gotta bring the noise hard this time." Mercedes said

"To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for Vitamin D possession before the vote." Quinn said

"Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?" I asked

"Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now." Brittany said

"The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing the sequins on backwards." Rachel said

She points at Brittany. I see Puck and Artie walk into the choir room.

"Spies!" Rachel exclaimed

"Lighten up! We're here to talk to Santana and Brittany." Puck said

Santana, Brittany, Artie, and Puck start talking, and I zone out.

* * *

 _The next day_

We are singing a mash-up off "Start Me Up/Living On A Prayer".

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:**  
Start me up

 **Mercedes and Tina with New Directions Girls:**  
Start me up

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls vocalizing:**  
Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks  
Union's been on strike  
He's down on his luck  
It's tough  
Oh, so tough

 **Crystal (with Brittany and New Directions Girls):**  
Oh, we gotta (hold on)

 **Brittany and Crystal (New Directions Girls):**  
Ready or not (Ready or not)

 **Rachel (with New Direction Girls):**  
You live for the fight when that's (all that you got)

 **Mercedes and Tina with New Directions Girls:**  
Start me up

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls:**  
We're halfway there

 **Santana with New Directions Girls:**  
Oh, woah! Livin' on a prayer

 **Mercedes (New Directions Girls):**  
If you start me up (Uh!)  
Kick on the starter give it all you got  
You got it (chh), you got it (chh; you got it)  
I can't compete (Ooooo)  
With the riders in the other heat  
Yeah yeah! (Oh, we gotta)

 **Mercedes and Santana (New Directions Girls):**  
(Hold on) I'll make a grown man cry (Oh we gotta)  
I'll make a grown man (Got each other)

 **Mercedes and Santana with New Directions Girls:**  
Give it a shot

 **Mercedes and Tina with New Directions Girls:**  
Start me up

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls:**  
We're halfway there

 **Santana with New Directions Girls:**  
Oh woah! Livin' on a prayer

 **Rachel:**  
Livin' on a prayer!

 **Crystal:**  
Oh we gotta

 **Mercedes with Crystal (New Directions Girls):**  
Hold on, ready or not (Ready or not)

 **Rachel (with New Directions Girls):**  
You live for the fight when that's (all that you got)  
Oooooh, (Start me up) We're halfway there

 **Mercedes:**  
We're halfway there ( **Santana:** Woah! Livin' on a prayer!)  
Livin' on a prayer!

 **Rachel (Mercedes):**  
Take my hand (Yeah!) and we'll make it I swear

 **Mercedes:**  
We're almost there ( **Santana with New Directions Girls:** Ohhh!)

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:**  
We're livin' on a prayer

 **Rachel with New Directions Girls:**  
Living on a prayer

 **Mercedes:**  
You gotta

 **Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions Girls:**  
Start me up

"Ladies, very, very impressive! What made you guys choose those songs?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Well-" Rachel started

Becky rushes into the room handing Mr. Schuester a note.

"Coach said to give you this." Becky said

* * *

 _Later_

"Well. I genuinely hope you guys are happy. Because Coach Beiste has quit." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, what? That's terrible." Finn said

"Yeah, it's not what we want." Sam said

"That's the opposite of what we want, the football team is actually winning." Artie said

"Well then you'd better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast. Because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school." Mr. Schuester said

"I'm sorry. What exactly did we do?" Rachel said, speaking up

"No, it's us. The boys." Finn said

"And Tina." Mike added

"We sort of... figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I mean I don't, ever." Finn said

"Oh, wow. I'm sorry." Quinn said

"Me too." I said

"Can I just say that is what happens when people don't put out. If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team." Santana said

"William! I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office please." Principal Figgins said

Puck and Mr. Schuester leave with Principal Figgins.

* * *

 _The next day_

Coach Beiste is in the choir room with us, while the boys are standing in the front of the room.

"I don't get it, it's boys against the girls, but what's the winner get?" Coach Beiste

"Well, we were hoping for your forgiveness." Finn said

"Yeah. We just want to apologize for hurting your feelings." Nate said

"Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside." Finn said

"Like a chocolate turtle." Sam said

"Totally. You're nougatty. We totally get that now. You're like a mash-up." Finn said

"Why don't you guys just get to the song." Mr. Schuester said

"Totally. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and soft and girly on the other hand." Artie said

"We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile you're pretty and it lights up the room. Seriously." Puck said

The boys perform a mash-up of"Free Your Mind/Stop In The Name Of Love".

"That was really good. I liked it. Thank you." Coach Beiste said

"Come over here! Come on!" Artie said

The boys all hug Coach Beiste.


	29. The Substitute

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester writes "Sectionals. Gear Up." on the board.

"All right, guys, um... Time to start thinking about song selections." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Schuester, you look a little green." Mercedes said

"Are you feeling okay, Mr. Schue?" I asked

"Um... I think I'm gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _Later_

Rachel is writes the word "Me" on the board.

"Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals." Rachel said

Santana and I stand up, angrily.

"All right, you know what? Let me at her!" I yelled

"¡Tú eres loca!" Santana yelled

Nate holds me back, while Sam holds Santana back, and Rachel screams.

* * *

 _The next day_

I walk into the choir room, but stop when I see that Puck is rubbing a stick of butter on the floor.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Finn asked

"Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor." Puck replied

"But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now." Finn said

"Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo." Artie said

Rachel enters in the choir room.

"Um, did I hear something about a substitute?" Rachel asked

Rachel slips on the floor and I laugh out loud.

"Yes! It works!" Puck exclaimed

"Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent." Rachel said

Everyone is the choir room is laughing at Rachel.

"I'm fine." Rachel said

A blonde woman walks in and glides on the floor.

"Aunt Holly?!" I asked

"Hey, Crystal." Aunt Holly said

"Oh, what the hell?" Artie asked

"Hola, clase. Nothing says 'bienvenidos' quite like a buttered floor." Aunt Holly said

Kurt walks in and slips on the floor.

"Let's start with some introductions. My name is Holly Holliday. What's yours? Go." Aunt Holly said

She points a Puck.

"I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team." Puck mocked Finn

"I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend." Santana mocked Rachel

Rachel glares at her and huffs.

"I'm Mike Chang." Brittany mocked

Mike nods in approval.

"Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?" Aunt Holly asked

"You're psychic?" Brittany asked

"I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but..." Aunt Holly started

Finn cuts her off.

"Those songs are classics." Finn said

"Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'." Aunt Holly said

"She speaks the truth." Brittany said

"I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?" Aunt Holly asked

"It's raining outside." Mercedes argued

"Well, then let's take a field trip to taco bell." Aunt Holly said

"Oh, yeah!" I said

"Should we take up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish." Aunt Holly said

I see Puck's eyes widen and I hit his arm.

"I will not let you anywhere near Mandy if you try that shit." I muttered to Puck

"Yes!" Brittany exclaimed

"It's really hard not to like this woman." Finn said

"Obviously, she's my aunt." I said

"Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals." Rachel said

"You're right. What songs would you like to do?" Aunt Holly asked

No one responds.

"Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?" Aunt Holly asked

"Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s." Kurt said

"He never listens to what I have to say." Puck said

* * *

Flashback

 _In the choir room, Puck is trying to give an idea._

 _"Mr. Shue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, Forget You?" Puck asked_

 _"Uh, no. Come on, guys, there's got to be a journey song we haven't done yet." Mr. Schuester said_

* * *

Present

"Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about." Aunt Holly said

We all get excited and I see Puck's face light up.

"Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you're like, 40." Santana said

"Top 40, sweet cheeks." Aunt Holly said

She turns to the band.

"Hit it!" Aunt Holly said

Aunt Holly starts performing "Forget You".

 **Holly with (Santana, Quinn, Crystal, and Brittany):**  
I see you driving round town with the guy I love  
And I'm like "forget you" (Oh-oh-oh)  
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough  
I'm like "forget you" (Oh-oh-oh)

Yeah, I'm sorry I can't afford a Ferrari  
But that don't mean I can't get you there  
I guess she's an Xbox and I'm more an Atari  
Mmh, but the way you play your game ain't fair  
I pity the fool that falls in love with you

(Oops, she's a gold digger)  
Well (Just thought you should know it)

Ooh, ooh  
I've got some news for you  
Yeah go run and tell your little girlfriend

I see you driving round town with the guy I love  
And I'm like "forget you" (Oh-oh-oh)  
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough  
I'm like "forget you and forget him, too"  
Saying if I was richer, I'd still be with ya  
Huh, now ain't that some shhh (Ain't that some shhh)  
Although there's pain in my chest  
I still wish you the best  
With a "forget you" (Oh-oh-oh)

 **Artie and Mercedes (New Directions):**  
Now baby, baby, baby  
Why'd you wanna, wanna hurt me so bad? (So bad, so bad, so bad)  
So bad ( **Mercedes:** Yeah) ( **Artie:** Oh)  
I tried to tell my mamma  
But she told me "This is one for your dad" (Your dad, your dad, your dad)  
( **Mercedes:** Yes she did) ( **Artie:** Yes she did)

 **Holly (New Directions):**  
(Uh!) Why?  
(Uh!) Why?  
(Uh!) Why, baby, baby? (Uh-uh!)

I love you  
I still love you! ( **Crystal:** Hey, baby!)

 **Holly with New Directions and (Crystal):**  
I see you driving round town with the guy I love  
And I'm like "forget you" (Forget you, oh yeah) ( **New Directions:** Oh-oh-oh)  
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough (Ooh)  
I'm like "forget you and forget him, too" (Oh, baby!)  
Saying if I was richer, I'd still be with ya (Yeah, you!)  
Huh, now ain't that some shhh ( **New Directions:** Ain't that some shhh) (Ooh, ooh!)  
Although there's pain in my chest  
I still wish you the best (Wish you the best)  
With a "forget you" (You, ah-ah-ah)  
Oh-oh-oh, oh!

"Let's go get some tacos!" Aunt Holly exclaimed

* * *

 _In the cafeteria_

The Cheerios and I are taking the tater-tots away.

"Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?" Mercedes asked

"Principal Sue banned the tots." I explained

"She can't do that!" Mercedes exclaimed

"They look like deep-fried deer poop." Brittany said

"Take it up with principal Sue." Santana said

The Cheerios and I walk away.

* * *

Flashback

 _In the choir room, Rachel is trying to give an idea._

 _" Mr. Schuester, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat." Rachel said_

 _"No, but I have good news. I found a journey song we haven't done yet." Mr. Schuester said_

* * *

Present

Rachel and Aunt Holly are performing a mash-up of "Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag" in the auditorium.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all celebrating the return of Mr. Schuester. I have Mandy sitting on my lap and Quinn has Beth on her lap because Mrs. Fabray couldn't watch them today.

"All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just... Thank you... For that and... and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days." Mr. Schuester said

"I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone." Puck said

"I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best." Mr. Schuester said

"Don't get us wrong, Mr. Shue, we always wanted you as our teacher." Tina said

"She was just kind of a nice break." I said

"She did loosen us up." Quinn added

"And she actually had some good ideas for a sub." Artie said

"Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those... after sectionals. Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better." Mr. Schuester said

"Gin and juice." Artie offered

"No. Singin' in the rain. I must've watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It's actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals." Mr. Schuester said

"When is the song from?" Sam asked

"Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but... but it's... But it's really timeless." Mr. Schuester said

We all look at him like he's crazy.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _Mr. Schuester, Aunt Holly, the New Directions, and I are singing a mash-up of "Singing In The Rain/Umbrella"._

 **Holly (Artie):**  
Uh-huh, Uh-huh (Yeah, Holla)  
Uh-huh, Uh-huh (Good girl gone bad)  
Uh-huh, Uh-huh (Take three, action)  
Uh-huh, Uh-huh (Go!)

You have my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart  
Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star  
Baby 'cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars  
That's when you'll need me there, with you I'll always share, 'cause I

 **Will (New Direction Boys):**  
I'm singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)  
Just singin' in the rain (Be here forever)  
What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)  
I'm happy again (Stick it out until the end)  
I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)  
So dark, up above (We'll have each other)  
I'm singing, singing in the rain (Umbrella)

 **Holly and Will (with New Directions):**  
You can stand under my umbrella  
(Ella, ella, eh-eh-eh)  
(Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh-eh-eh-eh eh-eh)

 **Holly and Will (Holly):**  
These fancy things  
(Will never come) in between  
(You're part of my) entity  
Here for infinity  
When the war has took its part  
When the world has dealt it's cards  
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart, 'cause I'm

 **Will with New Directions Girls (New Directions Boys):**  
Singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)  
( **Will:** Just) Singin' in the rain (Be here forever)

 **Will (New Directions Boys):**  
What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)  
I'm happy again (Stick it out until the end)

 **Will with New Directions Girls (New Directions Boys):**  
I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)  
So dark up above (We'll have each other)  
( **Will:** I'm singing) Singing in the rain (My umbrella)

 **Holly and Will (Holly with with New Directions):**  
You can stand under my umbrella (Ella, ella, eh eh eh)

 **Will (Holly with New Directions):**  
Just singing in the rain (Under my umbrella)  
(Ella, ella, eh-eh-eh-eh, eh-eh) I'm singing, singing in the rain

 **Holly and Will (with New Directions):**  
It's raining, raining  
Ooh, baby it's raining, raining  
Baby (come here to me, come here to me)

 **Will with New Directions (Holly):**  
(It's raining, raining) I'm singing in the rain  
(Ooh, baby, it's raining, raining) Just singing in the rain  
(Baby, come here to me) The sun's in my heart  
And I'm ready for love

 **Holly with New Directions Girls:**  
My umbrella  
My umbrella  
My umbrella  
My umbrella


	30. Furt

**Crystal POV**

 _In a classroom_

"So, what do you want to talk about in private?" I asked

"These galactic mobiles aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. Or at least, I want us to be." Nate said

"Okay." I said

"I think I love you. Look, I'm the Running Back. And you're the co-head cheerleader." Nate said

Nate kneels down on one knee and presents a little white box with a ring inside to me, and I start freaking out.

"Oh, my God, are you proposing? We've known each other for six weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out." I said

Nate stands up still holding open the ring box.

"I want to marry you... some day. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?" Nate asked

"What are you, six?" I asked

"If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy moved around. I promise to help you out with Mandy whenever you need it. I promise to make you feel proud when you point down the hall and say, 'That dude's my boyfriend.' I really care about you, Genny. And I want us to be together." Nate said

I close the box.

"Is that a no?" Nate asked

"It's a maybe." I said

I leave the classroom, quickly.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Rachel is standing in front of Quinn, Tina, Brittany, and me.

"Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable, he's losing weight... and not in a good way. And he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore." Rachel said

"We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse." Tina said

"We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say, we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky." Rachel said

"Okay, first off all, I'm not dating Nate." I said

"I'm not dating Sam, either." Quinn interjected

"And second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years." I said

"But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle." Rachel said

"So we're going to fight violence with violence?" Quinn asked

"No! Look, I'm not saying that they should hit him. What I'm saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers." Rachel said

"I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?" Tina asked Brittany

"Deal with it." Brittany said

Brittany whispers something to Tina, when Santana walks into the choir rooms.

"Why didn't you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?" Santana asked

"This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt." Rachel said

"Okay, I'm dating Puckerman." Santana said

"You're getting naked with Puckerman." Quinn corrected

"Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky, he's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvie." I said

"Mm-hmm. Yeah, so now if you'll excuse us." Rachel said

"You're so on my list, dwarf." Santana said

Santana points at Rachel before leaving the choir room.

"Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves." Rachel said

* * *

 _At the park_

Quinn and I are pushing Beth and Mandy in their strollers. We are heading to a meeting for the teen mothers group we joined after we had the girls.

"So Nate, like, kinda proposed to me." I said

"No way, Sam did the same thing." Quinn said

"I kinda rejected him and I feel really bad." I said

"Well maybe we should just wait to see what they do and we can make our decisions based on that." Quinn said

"I guess." I said

Quinn sighs.

"You know I miss this, just the two of us being together." Quinn said

"Well, how about this. After the wedding, you and I will leave the girls at Puck's house for the night and we can get our sweet lady kisses on." I said

"That sounds amazing." Quinn said

She sighs in content and smiles at me. I smile at her and kiss her cheek.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mike, Artie, Sam, and Nate tried to talk to Karofsky, but all it did was get Sam and Nate black eyes and Mike and Artie thrown to the ground.

"Dude was a wild animal." Mike said

"Manimal." Artie said

"I'm so turned on by you right now." Brittany said to Artie

"How bad does it look?" Nate asked me

"It's pretty hot, actually." I said

I kiss his cheek.

"You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown." Puck said

He shakes his head.

"Where were you, Finn?" Santana asked

"I was still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though." Finn said

I look at him and raise my eyebrow.

"The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge." Mercedes said

"Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem. It's none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did, especially Sam and Nate." Kurt said

"Serious, an epitome of a leader." Mike praised Sam and Nate

Mr. Schuester walks into the choir room.

"What's going on? What happened to Sam and Nate's eyes?" Mr. Schuester asked

"They stood up to Karofsky." Quinn said

"All the guys did. Well, not Finn." Tina said

"Is everyone okay? Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?" Mr. Schuester asked

"No. We got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even." Sam said

"And maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt." Nate said

"You okay, Kurt?" Mr. Schuester asked

Kurt nods his head.

"All right, guys. Let's take our places. We got a wedding to prepare for." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _At a church_

 _We all sing "Marry You" at the wedding ceremony._

 **Finn:**  
It's a beautiful night  
We're looking for something dumb to do  
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

 **Rachel:**  
Is it the look in your eyes?  
Or is it this dancing juice?  
Who cares, baby?  
I think I wanna marry you

 **Quinn:**  
Well, I know this little chapel on the boulevard  
We can go-o-oh (go-o-oh)  
No one will know-o-oh (know-o-oh)

 **Sam:**  
Oh come on, girl! (girl)

 **Quinn:**  
Who cares if we're trashed?  
Got a pocket full of cash

 **Quinn and Sam:**  
We can blow-o-oh (blow-o-oh)  
Shots of patro-o-on (patro-o-on)

 **Sam:**  
Ah! And it's on, girl!

 **Artie and Brittany:**  
Don't say no, no, no, no-no  
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah  
And we'll go, go, go, go-go

 **Artie:**  
If you're ready  
Like I'm ready

 **Tina (with Mike):**  
'Cause it's a beautiful night  
(We're looking for something dumb to do)  
Hey, baby!  
(I think I wanna marry you)

 **Artie and Brittany with New Directions:**  
Is it the look in your eyes?  
Or is it this dancing juice?  
Who cares, baby?  
I think I wanna marry you

 **Sam (with New Directions):**  
Just say I (do-oh-o-oh)

 **Finn:**  
Tell me right now baby

 **Artie:**  
Tell me right now baby, baby

 **Rachel:**  
Cause it's a

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Beautiful night  
We're looking for something dumb to do  
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you  
( **Finn:** Ah!) Is it the look in your eyes?  
Or is it this dancing juice?  
Who cares baby?  
I think I wanna marry you

"Please be seated." The Priest said

I sit down and put Mandy on my lap, and I see Quinn doing the same with Beth.

"We usually start with a prayer. But a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless, was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep." The Priest said

Santana nudges a sleeping Brittany.

"So instead, I'm going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they've invited you here today." The Priest said

"I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh... you know when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how... sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt... he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I-I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just... wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he'll do you one better, and he'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, 'There she is. Go get her'. You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you till the day I die." Burt said

I kiss Mandy on her head and then I smile at Nate.

"Oh, hey... I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family." Carole said

They new family all grasp hands.

"Okay. Burt...Do you take Carole..." The Priest started

Burt interrupts the Priest.

"You bet I do!" Burt exclaimed

"And do you, Carole, take this man...?" The Priest started

Carole, also, interrupts the Priest.

"Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do." Carole exclaimed

They kiss and everyone claps, including Beth and Mandy.

* * *

 _At the wedding reception_

Mr. Schuester is singing "Sway" at the wedding reception.

Burt and Carole are dancing their first dance, Kurt shows his approval, while the rest of the Glee Club dances along in their seats. After Mr. Schuester finishes his song Nate and I walk on the stage.

"This song is dedicated to the lovely bride and groom." I said

We begin singing my original song "Two In A Million".

 **Crystal:**  
Planets align. Suddenly, I'm alive.

 **Nate:**  
Eyes full of stars. Guide me to where you are.

 **Crystal and Nate:**  
Pinch me if I'm asleep. Cause this feels like it's a dream

We're like two in a million  
Can't even begin just find  
Where I found you  
What are the chances  
And there'll be this magic when we touch

 **Crystal:**  
We've got something special  
On another level

 **Crystal and Nate (Nate):**  
Like it's just me and you and the room  
Because something's so brilliant  
It's meant for just two in a million  
Two in a million

We're like two in a million  
Can't even begin just find  
Where I found you  
What are the chances  
And there'll be this magic when we touch  
We've got something special (We've got something)  
On another level (No, it's not like this)

Like it's just me and you and the room Yeah (Yeah)  
Because something's so brilliant  
It's meant for just two in a million  
Because something's so brilliant  
It's meant for just two in a million

Two in a million

"And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson!" Nate introduced

Finn stands up and takes a champagne glass from a waiter.

"Oh. Thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Uh... Well, I want to propose a toast to my mom... who is so awesome. I mean... somehow even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finnchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry." Finn said

We all make a face after hearing the last sentence.

"And today, a new union was formed. Furt. You and me, man. We're brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down. And I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a Slushie in the face every now and then." Finn said

We all laugh.

"You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. You're going to dance it with me, dude." Finn said

Finn starts singing "Just The Way You Are". The rest of us in the Glee Club join in, while and Finn and Kurt dance together.

 **New Directions:**  
Uuuuhhhhh, ah-ah-aaahh  
Ah-ah-aaahh-ah ah-ah-ah

 **Finn:**  
Oooh  
Her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining  
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying  
She's so beautiful and I tell her everyday

Oh you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change  
If perfects what you're searching for then just stay the same  
So don't even bother asking if you look okay you know I'll say

 **Finn (New Directions):**  
When I see your face (When I see your face)  
There's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing (You're amazing)  
Just the way you are  
And when you smile (When you smile )  
The whole world stops and stares for a while  
'Cause girl you're amazing (You're amazing)  
Just the way you are (Ahhh-ah-ah-ah)  
The way you are... (Ah-ah-ah)  
The way you are... (Ah-ah-ah)  
Girl you're amazing (You're amazing)  
Just the way you are (Ahhh-ah-ah-ah)  
When I see your face (Ah-ah-ah)  
There's not a thing that I would change (Ah-ah-ah)  
'Cause you're amazing ( **Finn:** You're amazing)  
Just the way you are (Just the way you are)  
And when you smile (Ah-ah-ah)  
The whole world stops and stares for a while (Ah-ah-ah)  
'Cause girl you're amazing ( **Finn:** You're amazing)  
Just the way you are (Just the way you are)  
Yeah.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

 _At Nate's locker_

I walk up to Nate, who is getting books from his locker.

"Hi." Nate said

I hand him a tube of Arnica.

"Arnica twice a day. It'll help your bruise." I said

"Thanks." Nate said

"I've been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt. It made a real impact." I said

"I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face." Nate said

"You saw what Finn did at the wedding. That was because of you. We've been talking this whole time, and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring." I said

I show him the ring on my hand.

"How'd you get that?" Nate asked

"I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file." I said

"Really?" Nate asked

"Mm-hmm." I said

I leave, heading to class, playing with Nate's ring on my finger.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all sitting in the choir room.

"Come on, guys. The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals next week." Mr. Schuester said

Kurt walks into the room

"Kurt, good, I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals." Mr. Schuester said

"Can I make an announcement first?" Kurt asked

"Yeah." Mr. Schuester said

"First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here as well as a true brother. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave." Kurt said

"What do you mean, 'Leave'?" Quinn asked

"I'm transferring to Dalton Academy... immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition." Kurt said

"Kurt, you can't leave." I said

"What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?" Finn asked

Finn stands up.

"I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be." Kurt said

"We can protect you." Sam said

"Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service." Puck said

"Yeah." Finn agreed

"The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton, a zero tolerance, no-bullying policy. It's enforced." Kurt said

"Um, does this mean that you're going to be competing against us at Sectionals?" Rachel asked

I hold up a hand to quiet Rachel.

"Shut up." I hissed

"Kurt..." Mercedes started

She walks up to Kurt.

Kurt starts to cry as he walks slowly away.

"Sorry. I have to go." Kurt said

Kurt runs out of the choir room.


	31. Special Education

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester enters the room and Rachel stands up.

"Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I've selected the perfect moving ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at Sectionals." Rachel said

"Me first. Two things. First, our competition at Sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't. Dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Crystal, Nate, Brittany, and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?" Rachel asked

"You're not getting a solo for this competition Rachel." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes!" I cheered

"Finally! So what song do I get to sing?" Mercedes asked

"I was thinking that the other two winners of our duets competition would take the leads." Mr. Schuester said

"Ken and Barbie?! Wait a-a-are are you trying to throw this?" Rachel asked, angrily

"You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now, I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth." Quinn said

"Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but frankly I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it." Mr. Schuester said

"Do something!" Rachel whisper-yelled to Finn

"Look, I'm all for... pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out before the big game." Finn said

"Yeah." Rachel agreed

"Easy to say when you're the star quarterback." I said

"This isn't just about me, this is about the team." Finn said

"You are such a hypocrite." Santana said

"Oh, like you even know what that means." Rachel said

"It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit!" Santana said

"You know what? Ever since the wedding you've been up my butt and I am sick of it!" Rachel exclaimed

"C'mon Rachel, she's not worth it." Finn said

"Oh really? Cuz that's not what you thought last year in that motel room." Santana said

Rachel's face hardens and Santana looks at her.

"That's right Yentl, your sweetheart? He's been lying to you, cuz he and I totally got it on last year." Santana said

We all stay silent because we all knew what happened last year.

"Okay enough already! No more conversations about this, or-or anything! This is our plan for Sectionals, and that is that. Crystal, Nate, Mike, Brittany, c'mon up, let's start choreographing." Mr. Schuester said

Mike, Brittany, Nate, and I move to the front of the room.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester walks in to the choir room and puts his stuff down on the piano. Mandy is sitting on my lap and I am giving her kisses all over her face, while she laughs.

"Where's Puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday and I need him to get me a churro." Santana said

"My guess is he'd rather quit Glee Club than lose Sectionals and I can't blame him. Our set's gon' be real light on the Mercedes." Mercedes said

"I'm telling you, if the Warblers win Sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap." Tina said

"If we lose, we should throw possums." Brittany said

Rachel walks in with her arms crossed and duct tape on her mouth. I roll my eyes at her annoyingness.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" Mr. Schuester asked

Rachel peels off the duct tape.

"I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting." Rachel said

She reapplies the tape, then pulls it off again.

"My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright and I think you're threatened by it." Rachel said

"As if." I muttered

Mr. Schuester slams his papers onto the piano in frustration.

"Take that off! I'm tired of this Rachel! You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore!" Mr. Schuester yelled

Rachel stands up.

"Well I'm upset! I'm furious about this, about a couple of things actually!" Rachel exclaimed

She glances at Finn.

"I'm sorry you're disappointed, but you know, you could also make the choice to be happy, that we're a part of a glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of 'me' talk going around. 'What's in it for me?' 'What solo am I gonna sing?' Now, when we go to Sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the Hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers, and if they win we will congratulate them, because that's who we are." Mr. Schuester said

"Dude, where have you been?" Artie asked Puck

Puck walks in, looking disheveled, followed by Lauren Zizes.

"I found him in a porta potty." Lauren said

Santana looks bewildered.

"I have to say, she kinda rocked my world." Puck said

"Okay guys, um, well, looks like we're back in business. Let's all welcome our newest member, Ms. Lauren Zizes!" Mr. Schuester said

We all clap.

"Puck, nice work." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester and Puck shake hands.

"We owe you one." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _At Sectionals_

 _The Hipsters are singing "The Living Years"._

Their performance ends and everyone claps.

"And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westervale, the Warblers!" The announcer announced

The Warblers begin singing "Hey, Soul Sister".

When they finish, we all give them a standing ovation.

* * *

 _In the_ _green room_

"These costumes are causing some unmentionable chaffing." Lauren said

Quinn looks distraught.

"You okay?" Sam asked Quinn

"No, I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience I went into labour. I think I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder." Quinn said

I give Quinn a hug and whisper calming thoughts in her ear.

"FYI I'm totally available to fill in." Mercedes said

Rachel storms in angrily and approaches Finn.

"You told Kurt?!" Rachel exclaimed

"I don't remember, maybe." Finn said

"About Finn and Santana? No I think I told him." Mercedes said

"Who told you?" Rachel asked Quinn

"Me? I think Brittany told me. Over maybe it was Genny." Quinn said

"Yeah it was me, Puck told me." I said

"Everybody knew about this but me?!" Rachel asked

"Pretty much." Tina said

"Nobody tells you anything because, A) you're a blabbermouth, and B) we just pretend to like you." Santana said

"That's not true, I kinda like her." Puck said

"Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy. So you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it but, to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all." Finn said

Santana raises her hand in agreement.

"Oh who are you right now?" Rachel asked

"Best green room ever." Lauren said

She chews on her pretzels.

"You know what? You guys are gonna have to find someone else to mindlessly harmonize in the background because I'm not going on stage with him!" Rachel exclaimed

Rachel points at Finn and Mr. Schuester walks in.

"Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany." Artie said

"Me either!" Tina exclaimed

"Enough! Listen to yourselves! I am ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room, no set list, no choreography, no chance in Hell of winning. But you did win, because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other, all I want is for you guys to go out there, and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes remind yourselves that you're not alone." Mr. Schuester said

Bells go off signaling we need to go to stage.

"Alright! Show time!" Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

"And now, for our final performance of the program, McKinley High's, the New Directions!" The announcer announced

The music starts playing and Sam and Quinn enter the auditorium from the back and start singing "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life". While we are performing I see Mandy and Beth with Mrs. Fabray and Mrs. Puckerman, and I smile.

 **Sam:**  
Now I've had the time of my life  
No, I've never felt like this before  
Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
And I owe it all to you

 **Quinn:**  
Cause I've had the time of my life  
And I owe it all to you

 **Sam:**  
I've been waiting for so long  
Now I've finally found someone to stand by me

 **Quinn:**  
We saw the writing on the wall  
As we felt this magical fantasy

 **Quinn and Sam:**  
Now with passion in our eyes  
There's no way we could disguise it secretly  
So we take each other's hand  
Cause we seem to understand the urgency ( **Quinn:** Oh)

 **Sam:**  
Just remember

 **Quinn with New Directions Girls:**  
You're the one thing

 **Sam with New Directions Boys (New Directions):**  
I can't get enough of (I can't get enough of)

 **Quinn with New Directions Girls:**  
So I'll tell you something

 **Quinn and Sam with New Directions (New Directions)**  
This could be love (This could be love)  
Because

 **Quinn and Sam with New Directions (Quinn and Sam):**  
I've had the time of my life  
(No, I've) never felt this way before ( **New Directions:** Never felt this way)  
Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
(And I) owe it all to you

 **Sam with New Directions harmonizing (Quinn):**  
Now I've (I've)  
Had the time of my life  
No, I never felt this way before (Never felt this way)  
Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
And I owe it all to you ( **New Directions:** Oh woah, woah, woah, woah, woah)  
I've

 **Quinn and Sam with New Directions (Mercedes):**  
( **Quinn and Santana:** I've had) the time of my life (Of my life)  
( **Quinn and Sam:** No, I've) never felt this way before ( **Santana with New Directions:** Never felt this way)  
Yes, I swear (Yes, I swear)  
It's the truth (It's the truth)  
( **Quinn and Sam:** And I) ( **with Mercedes:** Owe it all to you)

 **Mercedes and Santana with New Directions:**  
Oh woah-oh-oh-woah

The song ends and Santana starts to sing "Valerie" with Brittany, Mike, Nate, and me doing the main dancing.

 **Santana (New Directions Girls):**  
Well, sometimes I go out by myself  
And I look across the water (Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-uh)  
And I think of all the things, what you're doin'  
And in my head I paint a picture (Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-uh)

'Cause since I've come on home (Aaahh, aahh)  
Well, my body's been a mess (Aaahh, aahh)  
And I've missed your ginger hair (Aaahh, aahh)  
And the way you like to dress

 **Santana with New Directions:**  
Won't you come on over?  
Stop making a fool out of me  
Why don't you come on over Valerie?

 **Santana (New Directions):**  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa) Valerie-e-e (Why don't you come on over?)  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa) Va-a-lerie yeah (Valerie, Valerie)  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa) Valerie-e-e (Why don't you come on over?)

 **Santana (New Directions Girls):**  
Well, sometimes I go out by myself (Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-uh)  
And I look across the water (Uh-uh)  
And I think of all the things, what you're doing (Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-uh)  
And in my head I paint a picture... (Uh-uh)

'Cause since I've come on home (Aaahh, aahh)  
Well, my body's been a mess (Aaahh, aahh)  
And I've missed your ginger hair (Aaahh, aahh)  
And the way you like to dress

 **Santana with New Directions:**  
Won't you come on over  
Stop makin' a fool out of me  
Why don't you come on over Valerie?

 **Santana (New Directions):**  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa) Valerie-e-e (Why don't you come on over?)  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa) Valerie Valerie (Why don't you come on over?)  
(Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa)

 **Santana with New Directions:**  
Why don't you come on over Valerie?

She finishes and the crowd goes crazy.

* * *

 _Later_

All three choir groups standing on stage awaiting the judges decision.

"And now, this year's head judge, associate director of the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles, Mister Pete Sznowski" The announcer announced

Pete walked onto the stage.

"Thank you, and thank you to all the groups who performed here today, we all had a serious, good time. You know what else, is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card, because it's never too late, to donate. Drumroll please. In third place, the Hipsters!" Pete announced

The group leader comes up to accept the award and shake Pete's hand.

"Thank you, drive carefully. And now, the winner of this year's west central Sectionals is... it's a tie. Congratulations! You're all going to the Regionals!" Pete announced

There's a loud applause and Blaine walks up to Mr. Schuester to shake hands.

"Congratulations." Blaine said

"Hey, nice work, see you at Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

Everyone is cheering, and Rachel and Finn hug.

"We get to go on." Finn cheered

"Yeah." Rachel said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester walks in with the trophy.

"Congratulations guys! It wasn't pretty but we're moving on." Mr. Schuester said

We all are standing around the piano and we begin cheering loudly.

"And I for one, am gonna be happy to have Regionals and Nationals to focus on." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Schue, we heard the news about Ms. Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive." I said

"It's alright, we don't need to talk about it. Now, I know we've had our um, our dramas this week, but our family is back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate, the best way we know how. Rachel, so how would you like to solo?" Mr. Schuester said

"Thanks but um, I don't really feel like a solo right now. I'd like to defer it to this weeks two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina." Rachel said

"Well, don't have to ask me twice." Mercedes said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Tina and Mercedes start singing "Dog Days Are Over" while the rest of us dance around happily in the background and sing backup.

 **Tina:**  
Happiness hit her  
Like a train on a track

 **Mercedes:**  
Coming towards her  
Stuck, still no turning back

 **Tina:**  
She hid around corners ( **New Directions:** Oooo)  
And she hid under beds

 **Mercedes:**  
She killed it with kisses ( **New Directions:** Ooo, ooo, ooo)  
And from it she fled

 **Tina (New Directions):**  
The dog days are over (Oooo)  
The dog days are done  
The horses are comin' (Ooo, ooo, ooo)  
So you better run

 **Mercedes and Tina (with New Directions):**  
(Run fast for your mother), run fast for your father  
(Run for your children), for your sisters and your brothers  
(Leave all your love and your longing behind)  
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive  
(The dog days are over), the dog days are done  
(Can you hear the horses? 'Cause here they come!)

 **Tina:**  
And I never wanted  
Anything from you  
Except everything you had  
And what was left after that too  
Oh

 **Mercedes and Tina (with New Directions):**  
Run fast for your mother, ( **New Directions:** Oooo) run fast for your father  
Run for your children, for your sisters and your brothers  
Leave all your love and your longing behind ( **New Directions:** Ooo, ooo, ooo)  
You can't carry it with you, if you want to survive.  
(The dog days are over) ( **New Directions:** Oooo)  
The dog days are done  
(Can you hear the horses? 'Cause here they come!) ( **New Directions:** Ooo, ooo, ooo)

 **New Directions (Mercedes and Tina with New Directions):**  
The dog days are over ( **Mercedes:** Yea-ee-yeaah!)  
The dog days are done (Here they come!)  
The horses are comin', so you'd better run

The performance ends in a large group hug between all of us.


	32. A Very Glee Christmas

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

We are all singing "The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year" while we are decorating the tree.

 **Tina with New Directions Girls:**  
We're on the island of misfit toys  
Here we don't wanna stay

 **Artie with New Directions Boys:**  
We want to travel with Santa Claus

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
In his magic sleigh

 **Artie:**  
A pack full of toys means a sack full of joys  
For millions of girls and for millions of boys

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
When Christmas Day is here  
The most wonderful day of the year

 **Sam:**  
A jack-in-the-box waits for children to shout

 **Quinn:**  
Wake up!  
Don't you know that it's time to come out!

 **New Directions:**  
When Christmas Day is here  
The most wonderful day of the year

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Toys galore scattered on the floor  
There's no room for more  
And it's all because of Santa Claus

 **Nate:**  
A scooter for Jimmy

 **Crystal:**  
A dolly for Sue

 **Nate:**  
The kind that will even say

 **Brittany:**  
"How do you do?"

 **Tina with New Directions:**  
When Christmas Day is here  
The most wonderful day of the year

 **Brittany:**  
How'd you like to be a spotted elephant?

 **Artie:**  
Or a choo-choo with square wheels on your caboose!

 **Crystal:**  
Or a water pistol that shoots... jelly?

 **New Directions:**  
We're all Misfits!

 **Artie and Tina with New Directions:**  
If we're on the island of unwanted toys  
We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys  
When Christmas Day is here  
The most wonderful, wonderful  
Wonderful, wonderful  
Wonderful day of the year!

Mr. Schuester walks into the room.

"Hey, guys. What's this?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, .Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree. I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car." Finn said

"And the ornaments?" Mr. Schuester asked

"The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. When they carted him off, they left the house wide open. I think she was a holiday hoarder." Santana said

"Uh, and the presents?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry, they're empty." Puck said

"Guys, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like." Mr. Schuester said

"For us it is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won sectionals two years in a row and according to everyone at this school, we still suck." Mercedes said

"I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot." Mike said

He is referring to the slushie he got a few days ago.

"You can eat that, you know." Lauren said

"No. I am not gonna let you guys throw yourselves a pity party. Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year. But Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did." Mr. Schuester said

"I thought that was Thanksgiving." Puck said

"So didn't the rest of us, Puck." I said

"And this year Glee Club is gonna lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth Program right here in Lima." Mr. Schuester said

"How are we gonna do that?" Rachel asked

"The only way we know singing about it. We're gonna go classroom to classroom, caroling, to raise money for McKinney-Vento." Mr. Schuester said

"Wait, classrooms in this school with students in them?" Tina asked

"Well, if there are no students in them there will be no one to put money in the collection box while we sing." Mr. Schuester said

"We're gonna be killed." Quinn said

"No, guys, it's Christmas, a time for miracles. We gotta try this." Finn said

"Finn's right. So let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee Club's going full Santa." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In a classroom_

We are singing "We Need A Little Christmas".

 **Mercedes:**  
Haul out the holly  
Put up the tree before  
My spirit falls again  
Fill up the stocking  
I may be rushing things but  
Deck the halls again now

"You suck!" One girl exclaimed

"Who goes caroling with a band?" A boy asked

"I'd seriously rather be learning." Another girl said

"You're making me hate Christmas!" Another boy said

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
For we need a little Christmas  
Right this very minute  
Candles in the window

The teacher throws a shoe at us and we run out of the classroom.

"Yeah, that's right. Leave!" A kid yelled

"Go, go, go!" We all said

"I hate you!" Someone else yelled

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I can't believe that that teacher let those students speak to us like that." Rachel said

She removes her sweater.

"I can't believe she threw her shoe at us." Puck said

He goes to help Finn decorate the new tree Mr. Schuester got us.

"I guess we're done caroling." Tina said

"No, we're not. Guys, we can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit. Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now and gear up for round two tomorrow." Finn said

"Pretty soon, no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything and this year I asked for the Glee Club to stop getting picked on." Brittany said

My eyes widen.

"She's kidding, right?" Lauren asked

"Guys, this is serious. Listen up." Artie said

We all, except Finn, Brittany, and Rachel, back into a circle.

"Brittany still believes in Santa Claus." Artie said

"You cannot be serious." Mercedes said

"Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers." Sam said

"This is kind of a pattern." Tina said

"She's gonna find out sooner or later." Quinn said

"Okay. Somebody needs to break the news to her." I said

We all look at Puck.

"Don't look at me. I'm cruel and all, but that's just hard-core." Puck said

"Right? That's my point. Hear me out. Remember when you were a kid, how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus, how awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you wanna keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?" Artie asked

"I mean Beth and Mandy still believe in Santa, but then again, they're only 6 months old." Puck said

"How?" Mike asked

"I've got it all figured out." Artie said

We all look over at Brittany, who smiles at us.

* * *

 _At the mall_

I have Mandy on my hip and Quinn has Beth on her hip.

"Look it's Santa." I said

Mandy claps her hands.

"I'm not sitting on that guy's lap. Santas' laps are always really warm, and it's creepy." Quinn said

"We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittany sees that we all still believe it'll make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world." Artie said

"Which is everyone over the age of six." Nate said

"I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa." Tina said

She is referring to the fact that it is a black man playing Santa.

"Trust me. All Brittany's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him. Mercedes, get up there." Artie said

"Go, Mercedes. Go, Mercedes. Go." Brittany cheered

Mercedes sits on Santa's lap.

"I've been a very good girl, Santa.I want a pony and a doll that laughs and cries and... one of us smells like McDonald's." Mercedes said

She gets off his lap and Lauren takes her place.

"I would like Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries." Lauren said

She gets off his lap and Santana takes her place.

"I want bling. I can't be any more specific than that. Okay, wait. Hold up. Please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket." Santana said

She gets off his lap and I walk up with Mandy on my hip. I put Mandy on his lap and take a picture before leaving. Quinn comes up with Beth.

"Do you have anything for stretch marks?" Quinn asked

She gets off his lap, takes a picture of Beth and Santa, and Sam takes her place.

"ChapStick. Lots of ChapStick." Sam said

He gets off his lap and Nate takes his place.

"A new guitar strap." Nate said

He gets off his lap and Mike takes his place.

"I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff." Mike said

He gets off his lap and Tina takes his place.

"When does Asian Santa arrive?" Tina asked

She gets off his lap and Brittany takes her place.

"Ho, ho, ho. What's your name?" Santa asked

"Brittany. You've gotten really tan." Brittany said

"That's because at the North Pole, there's a hole in the ozone." Santa said

Brittany laughs.

"You're amazing. I know you're really busy, so I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there?" Brittany asked

She points at Artie.

"For Christmas, I want him to be able to can do that, can't you, Santa?" Brittany asked

Santa looks over at us and we're all signaling "no" to him.

"Sure. I'm on it." Santa said

"Thank you so much, Santa." Brittany said

"Now we're screwed." Artie said

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all in the choir room looking at the mess. Someone came in the night before and ruined everything. The tree, the gifts, the Christmas spirit. They took everything. Mr. Schuester walks in and looks around.

"They took everything." Mercedes said

"Including of all Sue's Secret Santa gifts we were gonna give to the homeless kids." Tina said

"Only further proof that everyone in this school hates us no matter what we do." Rachel said

"It's not the school. It's Sue. She did this." Mr. Schuester said

"It wasn't Sue. It was Santa. A light was out in the tree. He'd fix everything. We need to let him do his thing." Brittany said

"O-kay. Are you sure Santa was a boy and not a girl, Brittany?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I swear on my life. Santa's a boy. Everybody knows that." Brittany said

"It was probably one of the boys on the football team." Rachel whispered

"I guess it wasn't Sue." Mr. Schuester said

"So our tree is gone. So our presents are missing. Santa's probably fixing any dents or chips as we speak. All around the world today way worse things have happened to people than this. Sorry, but I'm not gonna let this get us down. 'Tis the season." Finn said

"I agree. Come on, guys. Let's clean this up. Come on." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _At the benefit gala_

Nate, Sam, Quinn, and I are performing "Perfect Christmas" at a benefit gala for homeless children.

 **Nate:**  
Holidays are made for  
Happiness and cheer  
Ringing sleigh bells means  
A special time is near

 **Crystal:**  
When I see the snow fall  
All around the tree  
That's the only gift  
I want this Christmas

 **Nate:**  
When I wrote up my wish list  
To Santa Claus this year

 **Crystal and Nate:**  
I told him you're the one I'm missing  
And now that you're here

This is a perfect Christmas  
And I have all I need  
Now I know what it means  
To have a perfect Christmas  
Everyone's side by side  
Living the dream of my  
Perfect Christmas  
Oh, Perfect Christmas

 **Crystal:**  
Let's unwrap the presents

 **Nate:**  
Watch movies all night long

 **Crystal:**  
You wear that ugly sweater

 **Nate:**  
We'll sing Christmas songs

 **Quinn:**  
We can build a snowman

 **Sam:**  
Stories round the fireplace

 **Quinn:**  
Cover the house with lights

 **Quinn and Sam:**  
Catch every last snowflake

 **Crystal, Quinn, Nate, and Sam:**  
This is a perfect Christmas  
And I have all I need  
Now I know what it means  
To have a perfect Christmas  
Everyone's side by side  
Living the dream of my  
Perfect Christmas

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"This was my dad's." Finn said

He looks at the watch.

"He'd want you to do it for those kids." Mike said

Finn puts the watch in the bag Mike is holding.

"This was my uncle's." Puck said

Puck puts the watch in the bag.

"It's the first thing I ever stole actually." Puck said

Sam and Nate put their watches in the bag.

"I'm gonna look terrible." Quinn said

"Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary's Baby look and still look good. I'm gonna look like Jackie Chan." Tina said

"I'm gonna miss my hair." I said

"If Barbra can pull off a bob, so can I." Rachel said

"Enough yapping. Let's do this." Santana said

All of us girls put scissors up to our hair, preparing to cut it off to donate.

"Whoa! What are you guys doing?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We're going all Gift of the Magi to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies." Mercedes said

"The guys are gonna sell their watches, and the girls are gonna sell off their hair." Sam explained

"You can't do that." Mr. Schuester said

"No, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine anyway." Santana said

"I mean, that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmas time." Mr. Schuester said

"No, but we tried caroling, and it didn't work." Rachel said

"Wait. I thought you and Finn were getting us a new tree." Artie said to Rachel and Finn

"We went, but Finn bailed before we could get one." Rachel said

"Nice Christmas spirit, Finn." Brittany said

"Wait. Guys, no more fighting. Have any of you ever actually read Gift of the Magi?" Mr. Schuester asked

We all shake our heads.

"None of you?" Mr. Schuester asked

"You don't have to read Gift of the Magi. Everybody knows what it's about." Quinn said

"Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah, I know what it's about: life freaking sucks." Santana said

"Actually, you're right." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester sits down in the chair next to Finn.

"The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together. There are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation. A reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all the trees and the presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age you're so desperate to get that magic back you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas." Mr. Schuester said

"So, what should we do?" Finn asked

"Put your scissors down. Put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit. And we are gonna sing for them." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the teacher's lounge_

We all, except Brittany and Artie, are standing in front of the faculty waiting for Finn to finish his speech.

"Hey. Uh, so we're your students. All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes would slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain..." Finn said

"Get to the point, Finn." Mr. Schuester said

"Right. Uh, anyway, we're here today to help raise money for children that have a lot less than we do. And I know some of us have had a hard Christmas. But what we've come to learn is that no matter how tough things get there isn't anything that more Santa or a couple more jingle bells can't cure." Finn said

We start singing "Welcome Christmas".

 **New Directions:**  
Oooooo  
Wooaahhh  
Fahoo fores dahoo dores welcome Christmas, come this way  
Fahoo fores dahoo dores welcome Christmas, Christmas Day

 **Male New Directions:**  
Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus

 **Rachel with Female New Directions:**  
Welcome

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
Welcome dahoo damus

 **Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Christmas Day is in our grasp  
So long as we have hands to clasp

Fahoo fores dahoo dores welcome Christmas bring your cheer  
Fahoo fores dahoo dores welcome all who's far and near

 **Male New Directions:**  
Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus

 **Mercedes and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus  
Christmas time will always be  
Just so long as we have glee

Fahoo fores dahoo dores welcome Christmas bring your light  
Ooo  
Ooo

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"So, how much did we raise?" Finn asked Puck

"210 bucks and that's after my cut." Puck said

Finn looks at Puck seriously.

"I'm kidding." Puck said

We walk into the choir room and see Artie sitting on a chair, with some machine on him.

"Artie." Tina said

Artie stands up, Brittany cheers. We all make a circle around him.

"It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but, check me out." Artie said

He starts walking.

"Where did you get it?" Quinn asked

"We went home, and it was sitting under my Christmas tree." Brittany said

"How the hell did you afford that thing?" Nate asked

"I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer." Brittany said

"I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back, it was there." Artie said

"So if no one we know bought it for you, then-" Rachel started

"Santa brought it." Brittany said

"Santa." Mercedes said

Artie nods.

"Santa." Artie confirmed

"A real Christmas miracle." I said

Artie starts walking again and we all watch, happily.

* * *

 _At Mr. Schuester's house_

Since Mr. Schuester was celebrating Christmas, Coach Sylvester decides that we should all go, decorate his tree and spend time with him. Quinn and I brought Mandy and Beth with us. We are all hiding in the kitchen.

"Well, Santa had some helpers." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester whistles, and we all come out with popcorn and drinks.

"No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester." I said

"Too much talking, lady, and not enough trimming. Come on. Let's get some Christmas up in here." Coach Sylvester said


	33. The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

**Crystal POV**

 _In the gym_

The song "California Gurls" starts playing. We have been training with it for some time now.

When the music finishes we pose in front of Coach Sylvester, who picks up her megaphone.

"I'm bored." Coach Sylvester said

The girls' fire bras go out.

"Ladies I am at a loss. Brittany please remind me at how I singlehandedly put cheerleading on the map." Coach Sylvester said

"In 1979, you directed the made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders called 'The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders'." Brittany said

"That is correct. In the mean time, what's changed?" Coach Sylvester asked

"Personal grooming habits?" I offered

"What's changed is I have completely lost interest. And ladies I blame you." Coach Sylvester said

She points at us and turns to Becky.

"Becky, more silicone falsies." Coach Sylvester said

"Got it coach." Becky said

"You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine that I have ever witnessed." Coach Sylvester said

"But Coach Sue this is the most elaborate routine the cheerleaders have ever done." Quinn said

She places her hand on her hip.

"We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at Nationals." Quinn said

"Yet I am still bored! Even things I used to think were hilarious. Case in point: Sandbags slap yourself with a chicken cutlet." Coach Sylvester said to Santana

Brittany frowns but slaps herself.

"Now slap Brittany." Coach Sylvester said

Santana slaps Brittany.

"See? Not even a chuckle." Coach Sylvester said

She shakes her head in disappointment.

"The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle. No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you. You have to find a way to top yourself." I said

"G, you just may have a point." Coach Sylvester said

I nod, proudly.

"But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet." Coach Sylvester said

I roll my eyes, but does as Coach Sylvester says.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

We are all in the choir room when Artie rolls in, covered in slushie.

"Oh, my God. Artie." Tina said

Brittany rushes over to him.

"It was awful." Artie said

"That's rehearsal. This ends here and now." Finn said

He stands up, the rest of the Glee guys following him.

"We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys." Puck said

They walk towards the door, when the football team walks in.

"So this is what the ladies' lounge looks like on the inside." Azimio said

"This is the choir room. Now put up your fists because you and I are gonna do some dancing." Sam said

He puts up his fists.

"No, I got this, Sam." Finns said

He puts his hand in front of Sam to stop him.

"Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?" Karofsky asked

"Watch it. Everyone have a seat." Coach Beiste said

"You too, guys." Mr. Schuester said

We all sit down.

"All right. New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club." Mr. Schuester said

We all start yelling in disagreement.

"What?" I asked

"Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue." Mercedes said

"Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer." Finn said

"And there's no way that I am sharing the choir room with a known homophobe." Rachel said

"I don't disagree with you guys, but I talked to Coach Beiste about it and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool. You know, find some common ground." Mr. Schuester said

"All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions." Coach Beiste said

"She's bluffing. Next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team." Karofsky said

"With you, I have no team. You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat." Coach Beiste said

"If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors." Azimio said

"Do you even have any idea what we do in here?" Finn asked

"No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here I won't let anything get in the way of a performance." Rachel said

She and Puck begin performing "Need You Now".

As the song ends we all cheer for them, except for the football team.

"The girl with the Mohawk had a really nice voice." Azimio said

Puck chuckles darkly.

"That's funny. That's good, man. That's good." Puck said, calmly

He pulls his guitar over his shoulder and runs at Azimio. A fight breaks out, and Mr. Schuester and Coach Beiste are trying to pull us all apart.

"Great first day, right?" Mr. Schuester shouted to Coach Beiste

"Awesome!" Coach Beiste shouted back

* * *

 _On the football field_

Coach Sylvester is standing next to a human-sized cannon.

"Ladies my 'Sue-clear' weapon. Becky." Coach Sylvester said

Becky goes over to the cannon and smashes a bottle against it.

"Brittany. Climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing the stunt for the big competition." Coach Sylvester said

"I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled." Brittany said

"Fine." Coach Sylvester said

She snaps her fingers.

"To put your toddler-fist sized mind at rest we'll do one final test run." Coach Sylvester said

A few Cheerios bring over a dummy that looks like Brittany. They shove it into the cannon and Coach Sylvester presses a button, which sends the dummy flying. The dummy explodes in the air and the head lands a few feet from us.

"Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual." Coach Sylvester said

She walks away.

"Don't worry. I'll talk to Mr. Schue and he'll take care of this." I said to Brittany

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"No freaking way." Karofsky said

"We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show." Mr. Schuester said

"And this is a problem because?" Lauren asked

"It's not a problem." Coach Beiste said

"It's an opportunity." Mr. Schuester continued

"Opportunity to humiliate ourselves." Azimio said

"Hey. The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together. To bring the school together." Coach Beiste argued

"Wait. So you want us to play the first half change into some sequin ball gowns and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game?" Azimio asked

"Yes." Coach Beiste said

"It's the championship game! This is a crazy town! This is crazy!" Azimio exclaimed

"What about the Cheerios in Glee Club?" Finn asked

"They have a choice: us, or the Cheerios competition." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, obviously Quinn and Crystal are gonna choose the Cheerios." Rachel said

"Well, that's not fair. You don't know what they're gonna do." Finn defended

I smile appreciatively at him.

"I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time the Super Bowl of pop anthems: Thriller." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer, while the football players just sit there.

"Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of Thriller and put it on YouTube? Now, in the four months it took to rehearse that number prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here." Mr. Schuester said

"I mean, don't get me wrong. You know, I'm big on Michael and everything but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?" Mercedes asked

"Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's equally spooky single Heads Will Roll." Mr. Schuester said

"Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?" Azimio asked

I just roll my eyes at him.

"All right. New Directions, Titans we're going to zombie camp." Coach Beiste said

She blows her whistle and we all head to the auditorium.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We are all rehearsing the routine. We start to dance, but everything is a mess and jumbled together.

"Time-out." Mr. Schuester said

Someone pushes Karofsky, who gets mad, and pushes the other guy back.

"Time-out, time-out. Back off! Hey!" Mr. Schuester said

Coach Beiste blows her whistle.

"Knock it off!" Coach Beiste exclaimed

"Okay, guys. It's good, but let's put a little life into it." Mr. Schuester said

"But we're dead." Karofsky said

"Then put some afterlife into get out of your heads and get into your characters." Mr. Schuester said

We begin dancing again.

"Alright. Nice progress, guys. Let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes for a lesson in zombie makeup." Mr. Schuester said

"Makeup? No, no, no, no, no, no, no." Azimio said

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." Coach Beiste said

We all move to the choir room for the makeup lesson. Soon we are all helping each other with the makeup.

* * *

 _In the bathroom_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are cleaning off our makeup in front of the mirror.

"Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the Glee Club together with the football team, it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow." Brittany said

"What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition then we miss the halftime show and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn." Quinn said

"Me too." I said

"Well, I'm not." Santana said

"I'm Brittany." Brittany said

Coach Sylvester walks out of a stall. I know she was eavesdropping on us.

"Couldn't help but overhear your conversation." Coach Sylvester said

"What were you doing in there?" Quinn asked

"Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p. poops. Well, I typed these up for you ladies requiring your signature tendering your resignation from the Glee Club." Coach Sylvester said

She hands us all copies of the resignation form.

"Oh, and, Brittany, here's a note for you handwritten and in crayon, from the human cannon saying how much it misses you." Coach Sylvester said

She hands Brittany a piece of paper.

"Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship?" I asked

"Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.

"This is ridiculous." I said

"You had quite a year last year, Q, G. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of those Cheerios uniforms. Ladies, I am giving you the chance right now to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios or choose the Glee Club!" Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _In Mr. Schuester's office_

Santana, Brittany, Quinn, and I hand in our resignations from Glee Club and Mr. Schuester looks at us disappointed.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

I am standing at my locker, when Finn walks over and slams my locker.

"How the hell could you do this?" Finn asked

I scoff, turning on my heel and walking away.

"Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?" I asked

Finn follows closely behind me.

"Uh, quit Cheerios. Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass. Us. Glee Club." Finn said

I stop walking and turn around.

"And you don't think that I feel awful about that?" I asked

"You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool." Finn said

"Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels." I said

"Wow. I never realized you were so freaking weak." Finn said

"Oh, I'm..." I started

"What did you say?" A voice asked

We both turn around and see Nate.

"All the Cheerios quit Glee Club." Finn explained

"So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?" Nate asked

"I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team." Finn said

"Maybe it's time for a change at the top." Nate said

"What's that supposed to mean?" Finn asked

"This is kind of hot actually." I said

"It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership. Face it. You've had your feet in both worlds for a year and never been able to bring them together. Maybe someone else could." Nate said

"What? As in maybe you?" Finn asked

"As in yes." Nate said

"Maybe we should settle this right now." Finn said

"Bring it." Nate said

"Brung." Finn said

He pushes Nate and Nate pushes back.

"You want some more of that?" Finn asked

Finn pushes Nate, again.

"You like that, huh?" Finn asked

"Really, guys? Really?" I asked

Mr. Schuester runs up to the two, pulling them apart.

"Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down! And get back to Glee Club. Come on." Mr. Schuester said

He pulls Nate along with him. Finn turns back to me.

"Hope to see you there." Finn said

He walks away, leaving me frowning.

* * *

 _Outside_

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are standing outside waiting for the bus to load. We are all looking at the cannon.

"I'm gonna die." Brittany said

"It'll be worth it." Santana said

"Hey!" Finn called

"What are you doing here?" Quinn asked

"Stopping you from going to Sue's regionals competition. You guys gotta come to the game with me." Finn said

"Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios, we're nothing." I said

"You think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios to be popular but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation which would you choose?" Finn asked

"Glee Club." Brittany said

"I know you. And you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this." Finn said

Finn looks at me and I slowly smile.

"Okay." I said

"Okay?" Finn asked

"Okay. Quinney?" I asked

"I'm with you Genny." Quinn said

"What about you, Santana?" Finn asked

"Screw her. She put me on the bottom of the pyramid." Santana said

"Come on. We've only got a few minutes." Finn said

"No time for a fivesome, ladies. Bus leaves in five." Coach Sylvester said

"We quit Cheerios." Quinn said

"You can't quit Cheerios. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus." Coach Sylvester said

"But we still quit." Santana said

"You're my stars. If you leave I have no performance!" Coach Sylvester exclaimed

"Sucks for you." I said

We walk away leaving an angry Coach Sylvester behind.

* * *

 _On the football field_

We are performing a mash-up of "Thriller/Heads Will Roll".

 **Rachel and Santana with New Directions:**  
Off with your head  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead  
O-off off off with your head  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead  
O-off off off with your head

 **Artie:**  
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark, ah  
Ah, Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
You try to scream ( **Artie:** Ah)

 **Artie and Rachel (Santana):**  
But terror takes the sound before you make it (Heads will roll, heads will roll!)

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
( **Artie:** Ah) You start to freeze

 **Artie and Rachel:**  
As horror looks you right between the eyes

 **Artie:**  
You're paralyzed, ah, 'cause this is

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Thriller, thriller night

 **Artie:**  
And no one's gonna save you  
From the beast about to strike  
You know it's

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Thriller, thriller night

 **Artie:**  
You're fighting for your life inside a

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Killer, thriller, Tonight!

 **Rachel and Santana with New Directions:**  
Off with your head  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead  
O-off off off with your head  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead ( **New Directions:** Thriller night)

 **Finn:**  
Darkness falls across the land  
The midnight hour is close at hand ( **Santana:** Ahhhhh)  
Creatures crawl in search of blood  
To terrorize y'alls neighborhood  
And though you fight to stay alive ( **Santana:** Off with your head)  
Your body starts to shiver ( **Santana:** Dance 'till you're dead)  
For no mere mortal can resist ( **Santana:** Heads will roll, heads will roll!)  
The evil of Thriller ( **Santana:** Heads will roll, on the floor!)

 **New Directions:**  
Thriller night!

 **Artie:**  
Cause this is

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Thriller, thriller night

 **Artie:**  
Girl, I can thrill you more  
Than any ghost could ever dare try

 **New Directions:**  
Thriller, ( **Artie:** Oh oh) thriller night

 **Artie:**  
So let me hold you tight and share a

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Killer, thriller, Tonight!

 **Rachel and Santana with New Directions:**  
Off with your head ( **New Directions:** Thriller night)  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead ( **New Directions:** Thriller night)  
O-off off off with your head ( **New Directions:** Thriller night)  
D-dance dance dance 'till you're dead ( **New Directions:** Thriller night)  
O-off off off with your head

* * *

 _Later_

Us girls are standing off to the side, still wearing our zombie makeup. The boys start saying the word "brains" and we follow along. The crowd eventually joins in. The other team's quarterback fumbles the ball under pressure, but McKinley gets the ball and scores, winning the game. We all cheer.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

I am leaning against the lockers in my normal clothes.

"Hey." Finn said

I walk up to Finn.

"Hi. I never got a chance to thank you for helping me do the right thing." I said

"Ah, you would have come to it on your own soon enough. So how does it feel being out of the uniform?" Finn asked

"Weird. Did turn a couple of heads. You were amazing this the field and off." I said

Finn smiles.

"It reminded me of why I loved you." I said

I stand on my tippy-toes and give him a kiss, before walking away.


	34. Silly Love Songs

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

"All right, guys.I have one word for you." Mr. Schuester said

Brittany raises her hand.

"Brittany." Mr. Schuester called

"Is it 'love'?" Brittany asked

We all, except Artie, look at her weirdly.

"I'm totally gonna graduate now!" Brittany cheered

"Valentine's Day is coming up, so for this week's lesson I want you guys to pick a partner because you're gonna sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song. Yeah, find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you. Now, partner up." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Schue? Can I say something?" Finn asked

Mr. Schuester nods.

"I just wanted to point out that, for the first time an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting slushied." Finn said

We all clap.

"I think the fact that I led the football team to a conference championship might have something to do with it. Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now and, just like a famous athlete, I wanna give to a charity. You guys." Finn said

"Did he just call us a charity?" I asked

"So I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch and donating the proceeds to Glee Club to help us." Finn said

"Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee Club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls." Mercedes said

"I've kissed Finn, and can I just say, not worth a buck. I would, however, pay $100 to jiggle one of his man boobs." Santana said

"Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?" Finn asked

"No, not really." Santana said

"'Cause you always just seem to be meddling in everybody else's business." Finn said

"Oh, please. You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious." Santana said

"Actually, you're just a bitch." Lauren said

"Whoa, whoa." We all said

"I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man." Santana said

"Okay, first of all, I'm not your man." Puck said

"And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us." Quinn said

"Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby." I said

"Five minutes ago, you said belonged in a twelve-step program." Tina said

"Wait, what?" Mr. Schuester asked

"You're addicted to vests." Santana defended

"The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole." Rachel said

"Fine." Santana said

She picks up her bag and leaves the room, Brittany running after her.

"Seriously, Rachel?" I asked, annoyed

* * *

 _Later_

Puck is singing "Fat Bottomed Girls" to Lauren.

When he finishes we cheer for him.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

"I know why you're doing this." I said

Finn gives me a questioning look.

"You know Quinn and I are the only girls in school that won't kiss you and you think the peer pressure will get to us." I said

"Well, it is sort of uncool that you you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee Club." Finn said

"I'm not kissing you again." I said

"What are you so afraid of?" Finn asked

"Leading you on, hurting my boyfriend." I said

"Your boyfriend's a boy. Tell me you don't wanna kiss me right now." Finn said

Our faces are really close together.

"I can't do this." I said

I walk away from Finn.

* * *

 _In the library_

I am looking for a song to sing in Glee Club.

"I saw it. You guys' faces were, like, right up next to each other. Kissing distance." Nate said

I am annoyed. He looks at the records.

"What are these things?" Nate asked

"They're called records. People used to listen to music on them.I'm looking for a classic love song to sing to you for our assignment because, despite your confusion about the matter you are the only guy I'm ever within kissing distance of." I said

Nate moves to stand in front of me.

"Okay, so answer me this then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?" Nate asked

I raise my eyebrow.

"Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn and now you're pissed at me for not kissing him." I said

"It's odd! Something seems fishy. I mean-" Nate said

"This is insane." I said

"Shh!" The librarian said

"Everyone thinks I'm dumb." Nate said

"Not everyone." I said

"But I'm not. At least, not about you. You play it cool, but you're ambitious. You like being the queen bee and you think being with star quarterback Finn is gonna put you up there whether you're wearing a Cheerio's uniform or not. I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb." Nate said

"Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn." I said

I smile at him before leaving the library.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Artie is singing"P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing)" while Mike is dancing.

"That's my man, and his legs don't work." Brittany cheered

"Tenderoni!" Finn exclaimed

"I'm so in love, I may just start crying." Tina said

Tina and Mike kiss.

* * *

 _In the hallway_

I walk up to Finn's kissing booth with Quinn and we both slam down $1 bills.

"Wait! Hold on." Sam said

"We wanna see this." Nate said

"Perverts?" Finn asked

"We'd prefer 'chaperones'." Sam said

"And also 'boyfriends'." Nate said

I lean in and kiss Finn, seeing fireworks, before Quinn and Finn kiss.

"Satisfied?" I asked Nate

"Yeah." Nate said

"Mmm." Quinn said

"Let's go." Sam said

We all start walking away from the booth.

"So I took a bunch of those records you were looking at in the library and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes." Nate said to me

"Hey, I forgot my purse." Quinn said

She runs over to the booth and whispers something in Finn's ear, before running back to us.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"Well, I did it. I kissed every girl in the school and raised $324 for the Glee Club." Finn said

He hands Mr. Schuester the money.

"All right, Finn, thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to nationals, so still a long way to go." Mr. Schuester said

We all slow-clap and Finn makes his way to his seat, looking sick. Quinn also looks sick, now that I think about it.

"You all right? Okay. Now I believe it's time to hear what the world's greatest love song means to Miss Tina Cohen-Chang. Come on up." Mr. Schuester said

"Whoo!" Someone cheered

"Is anyone else hot? It's really stuffy in here." Finn said

"This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day." Tina said

Tina starts singing "My Funny Valentine".

Tina starts crying towards the end of the song and Mike goes to comfort her.

"I'm so overcome with love." Tina said

"Okay, wow. That was powerful." Mr. Schuester said

"I love you, Mike Chang." Tina said

"Almost too powerful." Mr. Schuester said

"Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well." Finn said

"Me either. I feel sick." Quinn said

"Let me have a sore throat, your glands are swollen, and you're feverish." Santana said, almost too perky

"Yeah. Yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse." Finn said

"It sounds like you have mono. Otherwise known as 'the kissing disease'. But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue. Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it too." Santana said

"I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck." Sam said

"So how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse?" Quinn asked

Quinn and Finn stand up and leave the room.

"You know what? I think that is a capital idea." Santana exclaimed

She waves and smirks at the two.

* * *

 _Later_

Rachel is singing "Firework".

* * *

 _At Breadstix_

Sam, Nate, and I are sitting at a table, Quinn couldn't come because she has mono.

"Testing, one, two, three. Testing, one, two, three." Kurt said

Kurt taps the microphone to make sure it's working.

"All right. So happy Valentine's Day, everybody. For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am I am Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner. Whether you are single with hope or madly in love and are here because I forced you to come out and support me sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year." Kurt said

The Warbler's start performing "Silly Love Songs".


	35. Comeback

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

Nate walks over to me, a smile is plastered on his face.

"Hey!" Nate said

"Hi." I said

Nate kisses me on the cheek.

"So, I wanted to confirm out date on Friday at Color Me Mine." Nate said

"Wait... Y-you were serious about that?" I asked

"It's paintin' coasters time." Nate said

I'm a little bit taken back.

"So..." Nate said

He pauses.

"...we good for Friday?" Nate asked

"Y-yeah... I think so... I mean... I-I don't think I-I have anything else to do..." I said

"Cool." Nate said

Nate kisses my cheek again and I walk away through the school crowd.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"This can't be happening." Tina said

We are all sitting on one side of the room, while Coach Sylvester is sitting on the other side.

"Yeah, this does seem like a terrible idea." Artie agreed

"Guys! It's not up for discussion, okay?" Mr. Schuester said

I am sitting with my arms crossed.

"Now it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks." Mr. Schuester said

Santana shakes her head.

"I mean... just wanky..." Santana said

Coach Sylvester looks over at Santana.

"And I believe that she could use a little sympathy from us." Mr. Schuester said

"Sympathy? From us? Nuh uh." Mercedes said, appalled

"Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable." Quinn said

"She got exactly what she deserved." Santana said

"You're lucky I left my blow-gun at home Air-bags cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies." Coach Sylvester said

Santana looks from Coach Sylvester to Mr. Schuester in unbelief.

"Guys! Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks but she is a proven champion. We could do worse than to have that winning record in our midst." Mr. Schuester said

"Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people, alright. I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live... Is that too much to ask?" Coach Sylvester asked

"Guys, it's settled. Sue's going to be with us for the week. Now, I received a envelope in the mail today." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester picks up a letter that was sitting on the piano behind him.

"I know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

"Sweet Porcelain..." Coach Sylvester said

"And it looks like this year, we face Oral Intensity again." Mr. Schuester said

Mercedes sighs.

"They cleaned our clock last year." Mercedes said

"I still don't know how they did that." I said

"It seems that the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's Regionals and part of our score will be based on how we interpret it. This year's theme: anthem. Now who can tell us who what an anthem is?" Mr. Schuester asked

Rachel raises her hand. Brittany doesn't waiting to be called upon before answering.

"It's the bottom of an ant's pants." Brittany said, matter-of-factly

"...So close, so close." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel's hand is still in the air.

"No, an anthem is an epic song..." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel puts her hand down.

"...Filled with a-a ground-swell of emotion, that seems bigger than itself – even bigger than the person performing it." Mr. Schuester said

Sam raises his hand.

"Mr. Schue?" Sam asked

Sam gets up and stands next to Mr. Schuester.

"Oh, hey Sam. I didn't even notice your new haircut..." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah, I've been looking at a new image for my one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience." Sam said

Quinn is clearly not enthralled by Sam's new band.

"You have got to be kidding me." Quinn said

"Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look... even ... bigger..." Puck said

We all laugh, and Coach Sylvester raises her hand to us.

"Let her speak." Coach Sylvester said

"Laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent. And there's a number that I've been working on that I've been meaning to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem because... it's just hugely emotional and... sums up our generation." Sam said

Mr. Schuester pats Sam on the chest.

"Alright, let's hear it buddy." Mr. Schuester said

Sam grabs a guitar sitting by the band that was sitting in. Sam strums a few chords as he centers himself in the middle of the room. He starts singing "Baby".

After he finishes we all clap.

"I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios..." Coach Sylvester said

* * *

 _The next day_

Nate, Sam, Artie, Puck, and Mike stroll in, decked out in Bieber-esk attire.

"Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?" Mercedes asked

Nate smirks at me, and I smile at him. Sam smiles at Quinn, Artie tosses his hair, Mike makes pucker-fish lips to Tina, and Puck is wearing a Bieber-like wig which he flicks his hair, trying to get the bangs out of his eyes.

"Alright, so the guys here are ready to give us their anthem." Mr. Schuester said

"Hey everybody. We are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience." Sam said

"Oh my God." I mutter

"And we think that this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic." Sam said

"Truth!" Artie said

"Anyway, this song, like all the songs I sing, are for my girlfriend Quinn." Sam said

He points a finger at Quinn. Nate turns to the band behind him.

"Hit it." Nate said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

All us girls scramble into the auditorium and stand at the foot of the stage. The boys, minus Finn, start singing "Somebody To Love".

* * *

 _In the choir room_

I am sitting next to Tina, and Nate has his arm around my chair.

"Why are you dressed like that? I thought that you weren't into the Biebster?" Tina asked Finn

Finn pulls the hood of his hoodie onto his head as Tina takes a seat beside him, her arms crossed.

"I wasn't. But somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of Youtube with over a billion views." Finn said

Tina nods.

"An anthem's supposed to appeal to the masses, right, so before I pick my anthem." Finn said

He tosses his hair.

"I was working on my anthem... look." Finn said

Quinn and Sam take seats in the row behind Tina and Finn. Quinn looks at Finn confused.

Mr. Schuester walks over to the piano.

"Okay guys and gals... and Sue. It's the moment we've all been waiting for." Mr. Schuester said

Mercedes fixes her hair and Rachel throws her own hair behind her shoulders.

"Our next diva-off. So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel and Mercedes are having a stare down, Rachel smiles.

"Mercedes and Rachel! Let's give it up!" Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester runs off the room's "center stage" while we applaud.

"After much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that in order to do a proper diva-off, it has to come from the Broadway catalogue. Which, I think, is safe to say that that gives me home field advantage." Rachel said

"Oh well, you're about to get beat on your own turf." Mercedes said

"Hit it!" Rachel said to the band

Rachel and Mercedes begin singing "Take Me Or Leave Me".

As the song starts to come to a close, Mercedes and Rachel begin to work together, sharing equal parts of the spotlight and approve of each other, ending the bitter feelings shared between them.

"Oh my God, that was so great." Mercedes said

Rachel and Mercedes hug.

"Great. You kicked my butt." Mercedes said

Rachel laughs and points at Mercedes.

"No." Rachel said

She look to the rest of us.

"What about her, what about her?" Rachel asked

"Awesome!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"Hey, where's the hate?" Coach Sylvester asked

Mercedes and Rachel both share a slight look of confusion.

"Not the point of Glee club, Sue." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

Quinn, Santana, and I are talking by Santana's locker. We are all wearing the same style: penny loafers, tights, a plaid skirt, horse silhouette sweater complete with a bow and headband.

"Look Q, C, I know that we've had our differences... but I can't lie. That outfit looks amazing on you." Santana said

"It looks good on anyone." I said

"Penny loafers and tights: genius!" Quinn said

"Outrageous! I mean, my carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler. But no, I look hot and smart! I feel like Michelle Obama." Santana said

Tina walks up to us. She's wearing the same thing as the rest of us.

"Oh my God. You guys look amazing." Tina said

Quinn, Santana, and I gasp and look at Tina's outfit.

"Seriously, she's a genius and an icon." Tina said

Rachel walks up to us. She's wearing her usual Rachel outfit, but instead of the horse sweaters that Santana, Quinn, Tina, and I wear, she wears a reindeer sweater.

"Who is?" Rachel asked, cheerily

Santana rolls her eyes. Quinn turns towards Rachel.

"Brittany. Who did you think?" Quinn asked

"Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution?" Santana asked

Rachel smiles sweetly and looks around.

"Is this a joke?" Rachel asked

"No, that sweater is. Who wears a reindeer sweater?" I asked

"Uh, a-all four of you." Rachel said

"No." Tina said

She points to her sweater.

"This is a carousel horse." Tina said

"If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany." Quinn said, trying to be helpful

"Look, she took the look from me, okay. I paid her." Rachel said

"You're a terrible liar, Rachel." Tina said

"I can't believe that you would take this away from poor Brittany." I said

"It's sad. You're just sad." Santana said

Rachel looks away from the four of us and spots someone farther down the hallway. She storms away from us.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester and Lauren are standing in the middle of the room. Lauren looks awkward standing at the front of the room.

"All right. Let's get right down to it. Starting us off and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes." Mr. Schuester said

We all clap. The boys are still wearing their Biebster hoodies, and us girls, minus Mercedes, are still wearing the outfits imitating Brittany.

"So, uh, what are you gonna sing for us, Lauren?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Here's how I see it. I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint. If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the world a finger. And this would be my national anthem." Lauren said

"Oh-kay..." Mr. Schuester said

He walks off to sit in audience.

"Puckerman. Grab your guitar." Lauren said

Puck gets up and does what he's told.

"Tina, Brittany... ready?" Lauren asked

Tina and Brittany get up and stand behind Lauren.

"Great, awesome, super cool." Lauren said

Lauren does a little humming noise, watching Brittany, making sure that her backup dancers are in their places.

"Okay. Two, three, four." Lauren said

She begins singing "I Know What Boys Like".

When the song starts, Lauren looks awkward and very nervous. Brittany and Tina are dancing behind her. We all look around at each other, confused and unsure what to do. When the song reaches its end, she pushes Brittany and Tina to the floor before twirling around. Puck and the rest of us applaud.

"How freakin' hot is she?" Puck asked

We all get up and surround Lauren, applauding her on her first solo.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

 _We are all singing "Sing" with Coach Sylvester._

 **Rachel:**  
Sing it out  
Boy, you've got to see what tomorrow brings

 **Finn:**  
Sing it out  
Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs

 **Rachel:**  
For every time that they want to count you out

 **Finn:**  
And use your voice ( **Rachel:** Uhhh!)  
Every single time

 **Finn and Rachel:**  
You open up your mouth

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Sing it for the boys  
Sing it for the girls; Every time that you lose it sing it for the world  
Sing it from the heart  
Sing it 'til you're nuts  
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts  
Sing it for the deaf  
Sing it for the blind  
Sing about everyone that you left behind  
Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
Cleaned-up, corporation progress  
Dying in the process  
Buy yourself the motivation  
Generation nothing, nothing but a dead scene  
Product of a white dream  
I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer  
I refuse to answer, talk about the past, sir  
Wrote it for the ones who want to get away

 **Finn:**  
Keep running!

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions and Sue:**  
Sing it for the boys  
Sing it for the girls; Every time that you lose it sing it for the world  
Sing it from the heart  
Sing it 'til you're nuts  
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts  
Sing it for the deaf  
Sing it for the blind  
Sing about everyone that you left behind  
Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

 **Rachel:**  
We've got to see what tomorrow brings

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Sing it for the world  
Sing it for the world

 **Rachel:**  
Boy you've got to be what tomorrow needs

 **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:**  
Sing it for the world  
Sing it for the world

As the song ends, we all bunch together at the foot of the stage and jump around together. Mr. Schuester claps and whoo-hoos. Coach Sylvester stands on stage and does a fist-pump in the air.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Santana and Sam are sitting next to each other. Santana is halfway onto Sam's lap; she's running her fingers through his hair.

"When did that happen?" Mercedes asked Tina, referring to Sam and Santana

Quinn is looking down at the new couple. I'm sitting next to her and I pull her into a side-hug.

"All right. I hate to say it. But we all owe Sue a big thank you. She may hate us but she did give us a kick butt song for Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

Everyone but Quinn claps and agrees.

"That's right." Mr. Schuester said

Mr. Schuester claps along. Rachel raises her hand and stands up.

"Mr. Schuester, I think our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature. While I love My Chemical Romance and I think we all kicked butt on that number..." Rachel started

I look at Quinn and roll my eyes as Rachel begins one of her speeches.

"As our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I-I have to say that I don't think that song is good enough for Regionals." Rachel said

Finn looks confused and looks up at Rachel.

"The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch, and Oral Intensity kicked our butt last year. We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams." Rachel said

"You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song." Mercedes said

"Guys... this, this isn't about me." Rachel said

"Of course it's not." I said, sarcastically

"What do you suggest Rachel?" Mr. Schuester asked

"We need to be bold and-and epic. We need to write our own original music for Regionals. We need an indisputable advantage." Rachelsaid

"Ugh, check out dwarf Diane Warren." Santana said

Rachel drops her shoulders.

"We can't loose Regionals again this year, you guys. You have to trust me. I feel really, really strongly about this." Rachel said

"Let's put it to a vote, okay Rachel?" Mr. Schuester said

Rachel smiles and nods.

"All those in favor of doing an original song..." Mr. Schuester said

Rachel quickly raises her hand and looks at everyone else expectantly. No one raises their hand.

"My Chemical Romance?" Mr. Schuester asked

Everyone but Rachel raises their hand. Will clasps his hands together and shrugs at Rachel, who sinks down to her seat.

"Mr. Schue? Some of the girls and I prepared a number." I said

"Okay girls, show us what you got." Mr. Schuester said

"This song is dedicated to 'The Justin Bieber Experience'." I said

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

Quinn, Brittany, Santana, Mercedes, Tina, and I are performing "Boyfriend".

 **Crystal:**  
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
I can take you places you ain't never been before  
Baby take a chance or you'll never ever know  
I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow  
Swag swag swag, on you  
Chillin by the fire while we eatin' fondue  
I don't know about me but I know about you  
So say hello to falsetto in three two ..SWAG

 **Quinn:**  
I'd like to be everything you want  
Hey boy, let me talk to you

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:**  
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
Keep you on my arm boy, you'd never be alone  
You can be my gentleman, anything you want  
If you were my boyfriend,  
I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go

 **Santana:**  
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don't  
I could be your Super woman yeah fly across the globe  
I don't never wanna fight yeah, you already know  
Imma make you shine bright like you're laying in the snow  
But  
Girlfriend, girlfriend, I could be your girlfriend  
I could be your girlfriend until the - world ends  
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and  
Voice going crazy on this hook like a whirl wind  
Swaggie

 **Quinn:**  
I'd like to be everything you want  
Hey boy, let me talk to you

 **Brittany with New Directions Girls** :  
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
Keep you on my arm boy, you'd never be alone  
You can be my gentleman, anything you want  
If you were my boyfriend,  
I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go

 **Tina:**  
So give me a chance, 'cause you're all I need boy  
Spend a week with you boy you'll be calling me your girlfriend  
If you were my man, I'd never leave you boy  
I just want to love you, and treat you right

 **Mercedes with New Directions Girls:  
** If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
Keep you on my arm boy you'd never be alone  
You can be my gentleman, anything you want  
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go, never let you go

 **Brittany with New Directions Girls:**  
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
Keep you on my arm boy, you'd never be alone  
You can be my gentleman, anything you want  
If you were my boyfriend,  
I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go

 **Mercedes:**  
Na na na, na na na, na na na  
Yeah (You should be my man, boy!)  
Na na na, na na na, na na na Hey..  
Na na na, na na na, na na na Yeah  
Na na na, na na na, na na na  
If you were my boyfriend


	36. Blame It On The Alcohol

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

I am on the phone with Santana and Brittany.

"It sounds awful. Is anybody going?" I asked

"Let me find out." Santana said

She buzzes Artie in.

"Did you hear?" Santana asked

"Yes. Mercedes just told me." Artie said

Mercedes buzzes in.

"You're going, right?" Mercedes asked

"Only if there's liquor, because a Rachel Berry party is not something I can do sober." I said

"But it's Alcohol Awareness Week." Brittany said

"Precisely. And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is." I said

I smirk.

"Let's ask Puckerman." Santana said

Santana buzzes Puck in.

"You're go for Puck." Puck said

"Noah, it's Gantittany and Artcedes. Can your friend score us some wine coolers?" Santana asked

"No, but his I. ." Puck said

We all meet in the middle of the hallway and hand up our phones.

"Well, if we're all in, it's settled. The Rachel Berry house party train wreck extravaganza is officially a go." Mercedes said

* * *

 _At Rachel's house_

"Welcome. Kurt, Blaine." Rachel said

Kurt and Blaine walk downstairs with Finn.

"I wasn't expecting you guys." Rachel said

"Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser kind of insisted on coming." Finn said

"I'm totally off the clock right now, Rachel.I'm not a Warbler. I'm just Blaine.I'm not even wearing my uniform." Blaine said

I'm talking with Nate and Quinn.

"This party blows." I said

"Well let's just leave with Artie, Brittany, Tina, and Mike." Nate said

Artie, Brittany, Tina, Mike, Quinn, Nate, and I approach Rachel.

"Great party, Rachel. We gotta run." Artie said

"Yeah, dinner reservations." Tina said

"But-But we- We haven't even played celebrity yet." Rachel protested

We start walking away.

"I Wh- Why is everybody leaving?" Rachel asked

"Because this party blows." I said to Rachel

"I haven't even had my first sip yet. How am I supposed to write 'Both Sides Now' if I can't even throw a party?" Rachel asked

"Look, if you want everyone to stay you have to let me break in your dads' liquor cabinet. No one's gonna get buzzed off two wine coolers." Puck said

Rachel hesitates.

"I'll replace it before they get home." Puck promised

All of the sudden Rachel lifts her drink in the air.

"Let's party!" Rachel exclaimed

Puck breaks into the liquor cabinet and we all start drinking.

* * *

 **3rd POV**

Tina, Quinn, Mike, Mercedes, Nate, Crystal, Santana, Artie, and Brittany are doing shots. Crystal and Brittany take off their shirts, leaving them in their bras. Santana does a shot off Brittany's chest, and Quinn does one off Crystal' chest. Puck and Lauren are yelling at Rachel to chug her wine cooler. Rachel finishes it and burps.

"It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! Pink!" Rachel yelled into the microphone

Crystal and Quinn grind on each other, laughing.

"Finny, dance with me." Rachel said

Rachel grabs Finn and starts slow-dancing with him.

"We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I would do anything for you. Anything!" Rachel exclaimed

"Okay, Rachel. Since this is your first time at this. I'm gonna break it down for you." Finn said

"Okay." Rachel said

Rachel and Finn sit on the edge of the stage, Rachel is all over Finn.

"Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk." Finn said

He points at Santana who is crying.

"Exhibit A) Santana: the weepy, hysterical drunk." Finn said

"You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit it. Just admit it! No! Kiss me!" Santana said

She pulls Sam into a kiss. Finn points at Quinn and Lauren.

"Lauren Zizes and Quinn: the angry girl drunks." Finn said

Lauren and Quinn are surrounding Puck.

"I can't believe what you did to my body. I used to have abs." Quinn said

"Back off." Puck said

"Who told you that hairstyle was cool Geronimo?" Lauren asked

"Chill out." Puck said

Finn points a Brittany and Crystal who are stripping in front of Artie and Nate.

"Brittany and Crystal: also known as the girls who turn into stripper drunks." Finn said

Artie is throwing money at the two.

"Makin' it rain! Whoo!" Artie exclaimed

"That's my girlfriend. I love you, baby." Nate said

Finn points at Mercedes and Tina who are giggling.

"Mercedes and Tina: happy girl drunks." Finn said

Mercedes and Tina continue to giggle over nothing.

"And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel: and right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool." Finn said

Rachel gets off Finn.

"Well, what kind of girl is this?" Rachel asked

Rachel stands up on the stage.

"Let's spin the bottle! Who wants to play spin the bottle?" Rachel asked

Everyone drunkenly cheers. Rachel grabs a checker board and an empty bottle. Brittany spins first and it lands on Sam. Brittany leans in and kisses Sam.

"You know what? A reminder I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me, so..." Santana said

The kiss soon turns into a make-out session and Santana pulls the two apart.

"You know what this is not? Hey, honeys. It's not a Big Red commercial. No me gusta." Santana said

The two sit back down.

"Whoo! Party! It's my turn! It's my turn!" Rachel exclaimed

Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on Blaine.

"Oh!" Everyone said

"This is outstanding!" Kurt exclaimed

Rachel points at Blaine.

"Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world." Rachel said

The two lean in and start making out.

"More! More! More!" Everyone chanted

Kurt pulls the two apart.

"Okay, I think we've had enough of that." Kurt said

"I think I just found a new duet partner!" Rachel exclaimed

Rachel and Blaine start singing "Don't You Want Me".

* * *

 **Crystal POV**

 _At school_

I am still hungover from the party on Friday. I am standing with Tina, Mercedes, and Santana at Tina's locker.

"I need to close my locker, and it's gonna sound like a gunshot." Tina said

She closes her locker and I cringe. We walk away from the lockers.

"I have had the worst hangover since Saturday, and it's Monday." Mercedes said

"I've been dry-heaving all my mother asked what the sound was I said that I was practicing birdcalls." Santana said

Mike joins us.

"You guys, I can't stop barfing." Mike said

"Please don't say barf." Tina said

"I caught a whiff of hair spray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom." I said

"I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair." Mike said

"Gross." I muttered

"Can we talk about anything else?" Tina asked

We run into the rest of the Glee Club in the hallway. Artie is holding a container of something.

"How about some Bloody Marys, y'all?" Artie asked

"Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink." Mercedes said

"It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit yo' ass." Artie said

Brittany passes around cups, and we all pour the Bloody Mary into our cups and we all down the drink.

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

We are performing "Blame It On The Alcohol" for Mr. Schuester.

 **Artie (with New Directions):**  
Blame it on the goose, got you feeling loose  
Blame it on the 'tron, got you in the zone  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol  
(Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol)

Eh, she say she usually don't  
But I know that she front  
Cause shawty know what she want  
But she don't wanna seem like she's easy

 **Puck (with New Directions):**  
I ain't saying what you won't do  
But you know we probably gonna do  
What you been feelin' deep  
(Insi-i-ide, don't li-i-ie now)

 **Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Boy what you drinking?  
Gonna let sink in  
Here for the weekend  
Thinking we can

 **Mercedes:**  
See where we can be if we press fast forward ( **Santana:** Ooh)  
Just one more round and you're down, I know it ( **Santana:** Ooh yeah, yeah)

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Fill another cup up  
Feeling on your butt what?  
You don't even care now  
I was unaware how

 **Artie:**  
Fine you was before my buzz set in ( **Mercedes:** My buzz set in)

 **Artie with New Directions (Mercedes):**  
Blame it on the goose, (Blame it on the goose) got you feeling loose  
Blame it on the 'tron, got you in the zone (Alcohol)  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Alcohol)  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Alcohol)  
Blame it on the vodka ( **New Directions:** Hey)  
Blame it on the henny ( **New Directions:** Hey)  
Blame it on the blue top (Yeah)  
Got you feeling dizzy (Alcohol woo)  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

 **Artie and Mercedes:**  
Now to the ballas poppin' bottles  
With their henny in their cup  
Screaming money ain't a thing  
If you ain't throw it up

 **Artie (Mercedes):**  
In the sky (In the sky)  
And hold your drinks up high (Up high)

 **Puck and Santana:**  
To my independent mamas  
Who can buy their own bottles  
If you looking like a model  
When them broke fellas holla

 **Artie (Mercedes):**  
Tell them bye (Buh-bye)  
Hold your drinks up high (High)

 **Artie with New Directions (Mercedes):**  
Blame it on the goose, got you feeling loose  
Blame it on the 'tron, got you in the zone  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Alcohol)  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Alcohol)  
Blame it on the vodka ( **New Directions:** Hey)  
Blame it on the henny ( **New Directions:** Hey)

 **Artie and Mercedes with New Directions (New Directions):**  
Blame it on the blue top (Hey)  
Got you feeling dizzy (Hey)

 **Artie with New Directions:**  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

 **Artie and Mercedes with New Directions:**  
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

Mr. Schuester claps for us when we finish.

"Well done, you guys. I mean, you always bring it with the singing and the dancing. But what I was really impressed with today was your acting. I truly thought that some of you guys were drunk." Mr. Schuester said

"We take our craft serious." Artie said

I high-five him and start swaying slightly because I have no balance right now.

"Problem is, that song is great but it, it kind of glorifies drinking, don't you think? I mean, we're supposed to sing about the dangers of alcohol for this assembly." Mr. Schuester said

"Well, good luck finding a song that does that." Mercedes said

"Mr. Schue?" Rachel said

Rachel walks to the front of the stage.

"First of all, that vest is very cute. And you are all kinds of awesome. But second, maybe there's really no songs about the dangers of drinking because there's really none, as long as you have a proper designated driver." Rachel said

She hangs on Mike.

"Have I ever told you how great you are?" Rachel asked Mike

Tina pulls Mike away from Rachel.

"Well, Rachel, yeah, driving drunk is dangerous. And have you guys ever heard of alcohol poisoning? Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year." Mr. Schuester said

Santana bursts into tears.

"Santana, are you, are you crying?" Mr. Schuester asked

"I'm okay. I'm okay." Santana said

Santana hugs Brittany.

"You're such a hypocrite. You adults do." Quinn said, angrily

"I may have a beer every now and then, but I don't, I don't get drunk." Mr. Schuester said

I start pulling my shirt up, but Nate puts his hand out to stop me.

"We're just saying this is a waste of time. We're totally aware of alcohol. We see adults drinking it and having fun. Every commercial during NASCAR is for beer." Puck said

"Okay. Enough, guys. Look, tomorrow, come with your thinking caps on because we're gonna spend the entire day brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly." Mr. Schuester said

The bell rings and I clutch my head.

* * *

 _In the gym_

We are all backstage getting ready to perform at the assembly.

"You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice." Brittany said

"We haven't had enough rehearsal." Sam said

"Or any at all." I said

"And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot." Finn said

"Never fear, teammates. It's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dads' liquor cabinet. There's some brandy and vermouth and port wine and scotch in here. Also a little bit of Kool-Aid and some crumbled-up Oreos." Rachel said

Rachel starts passing around cups filled with her "mixture". I take a sip and cough.

"Oh, my God. This tastes like cough syrup." I said

"There's also cough syrup. Cheers." Rachel said

"To Ke$ha." I said

"To Ke$ha." Everyone repeated

"And now, performing the hit single "Tik" and also "Tok" by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha the New Directions." Principal Figgins announced

We start performing "Tik Tok".

 **Brittany:**  
Wake up in the morning,  
Feelin' like P. Diddy ( **Artie:** Hey, what up, girl?)  
Grab my glasses,  
I'm out the door,  
I'm gonna hit this city ( **Artie:** Let's go!)  
Before I leave,  
Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack  
'Cause when I leave for the night,  
I ain't coming back

 **Brittany (with New Directions):**  
I'm talking pedicure on our (toes, toes)  
Tryin' on all our (clothes, clothes)  
Boys blowing up our (phones, phones)  
Drop-topping, playing our favorite (CD's)  
Pulling up to the (parties)  
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

 **Brittany with New Directions:**  
Don't stop, make it pop  
DJ, blow my speakers up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
'Til we see the sunlight  
Tik, tok, on the clock  
But the party don't stop, no

 **Brittany (New Directions):**  
Oh, woah, who, oh (Ooh!)  
Oh, woah, who, oh (Ooh!)

 **Brittany with New Directions:**  
Don't stop, make it pop  
DJ, blow my speakers up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
'Til we see the sunlight  
Tik, tok, on the clock  
But the party don't stop, no

 **Brittany (New Directions):**  
Oh, woah, who, oh (Ooh!)  
Oh, woah, who, oh (Ooh!)

"I don't feel good." Brittany said

"Power through it." Rachel said

 **Brittany:  
** You build me up  
You break me down  
My heart, it pounds  
Yeah, you got me

 **Brittany with New Directions:**  
With my hands up  
You got me now  
You got that sound  
Yeah, you got me ( **Mercedes:** Oh, oh, ohh)  
You build me up

 **Brittany with Mercedes and New Directions (Mercedes with New Directions):**  
You break me (down)

 **Brittany with New Directions (with Mercedes):**  
My heart, it pounds  
Yeah, you got me ( **Mercedes:** Oh, oh, ohh)  
With my hands up  
(Put your hands up)  
(Put your hands up!) ( **New Directions:** Nah, nah, nah)

 **Brittany:**  
Now the party don't start 'til I walk in

 **Brittany with New Directions (with Mercedes):**  
(Don't stop)  
Make it pop  
DJ, blow my speakers up  
Tonight, I'mma fight  
Til we see the sunlight  
(Tik, tok, on the clock) ( **Mercedes:** Ohh)  
But the party don't stop, no

 **Brittany (New Directions):**  
Oh, woah, who, oh (Ooh!)

Brittany suddenly pukes on Rachel. Rachel runs off stage.

"Oh, my God." Brittany said

Santana then throws up.

"Everybody, drink responsibly." Brittany said

* * *

 _In Spanish class_

I am sitting in next to Quinn in Spanish Class, when suddenly Coach Sylvester comes on the loudspeaker and I tune out, until...

"Open your ears, McKinley High and behold the awful price of alcoholism." Coach Sylvester said

Coach Sylvester starts playing a recording of someone.

"Hey there, sexy lady." Mr. Schuester's drunk voice comes on

I chuckle and bite my lip to stop from laughing.

"There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my llfe. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here? And it'll be just one night of us just getting crazy. Let's just get crazy! Just get really crazy and roll around in the hay. I was just in some hay earlier tonight. Hey, and I rode a bull, and I was thinking of you." Mr. Schuester said

The recording stops and Coach Sylvester comes back on.

"Will Schuester you've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, it's the very first step." Coach Sylvester said

The announcement finishes and I chuckle quietly.

* * *

 _In Principal Figgins' Office_

The Glee Club and Mr. Schuester are called down to the office.

"We're probably gonna get suspended." Puck said

"I think you'll definitely get suspended. You'll probably all get suspended." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh, you're one to talk." I said

"How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy von Drunk-a-ton?" Santana asked

"William, Glee Club. I have one word for you. Congratulations." Principal Figgins said

We all look at each other in confusion.

"Those special effects at the assembly really paid off! I had no idea what brilliant musical-comedy performers you all have become. The kids at this school are scared straight. Today is the first day in a month without a single act of public drunkenness at McKinley High! And as a thank you here are coupons for half-off frozen yogurt." Principal Figgins said

He hands me the coupons and I start passing them around.

"Achievement!" Principal Figgins said

We all cheer and smile, forcibly.

"Achievement!" We all repeated

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I'm torn. Part of me never wants to drink again because it made me so sick. But if it weren't for drinking, the assembly would have been a disaster." Brittany said

"I, for one, am never drinking again. Being thrown up on- it just does something to a person." Rachel said

"All right, guys. While I'm happy things worked out with the assembly I never want to see you guys pull anything like that again. Drinking while performing is while at school is just stupid and, most importantly any of you guys drinking at all is illegal." Mr. Schuester said

"There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now." Quinn said

"I couldn't agree more, which is why I'm gonna stop drinking. Not even a beer at the end of the night to take the edge off." Mr. Schuester said

"But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?" Santana asked

"I have plenty in my life without beer." Mr. Schuester said

"Like what exactly?" Mercedes asked

Mr. Schuester pauses.

"The point is I'm gonna stop. And I hope you guys do too." Mr. Schuester said

"Isn't that kind of unrealistic?" Tina asked

"Yeah. Honestly, I think it is. Which is why I'm only gonna ask you to do it until after Nationals. Consider yourselves like prize fighters getting ready for a big heavyweight bout." Mr. Schuester said

He starts handing out papers.

"Now, these are pledge forms, and I want you guys to sign them." Mr. Schuester said

"And what if we fall off the wagon again?" Puck asked

"Look in the top corner of your form. That's my cell phone number." Mr. Schuester said

"Yes!" Sam exclaimed

We all chuckle at his outburst.

"Part of your pledge is that if you do slip up no matter where you are or what time of the night it is, I want you to call me to drive you home. We got lucky this time that the only consequences of your drinking was some ill-timed vomiting. None of us wants to see any of you guys get hurt." Mr. Schuester said

"Cool beans, Mr. Schue. I'll sign this." Santana said

"Me too. Alcohol has done nothing for my songwriting." Rachel said

"What about after we win nationals?" Finn asked

"I'm buying the sparkling cider." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer and the bell rings.


	37. Sexy

**Crystal POV**

 _In the hallway_

Santana walks up next to me.

"Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant." Santana said

"Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant!" I said to Puck

"It was only a matter of time." Puck said

I walk away.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester enters and addresses us.

"All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our setlist." Mr. Schuester said

He notices Artie's blank stare.

"Artie, you okay?" Mr. Schuester asked

"My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby?" Artie asked

He turns to Brittany.

"How could you not tell me about this?" Artie asked

"Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. Pretty sure it's a boy." Brittany said

We all look at Brittany.

"Um, babies don't get dropped off." Puck said

"Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure." Mr. Schuester said

"I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid, it's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from." Brittany said

We all wear various expressions of shock and disbelief.

* * *

 _The next day_

Mr. Schuester writes "sexy" on the white board.

"Sexy." Mr. Schuester said

"I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry in those tights, we don't stand a chance." I said

"No, this isn't about Regionals. I'm less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the... the, uh... the intricacies of adult relationships." Mr. Schuester said

Some people laugh.

"Yeah, anyways. Along with preparing for our regionals next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these intricacies." Mr. Schuester said

"Is this the appropriate forum for that?" Rachel asked

"Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it's always helped us to sing about it. So, this week I have invited a special guest: Ms. Holliday!" Mr. Schuester said

Aunt Holly enters and we all applaud.

"Hola, clase." Aunt Holly said

"Aunt Holly!" I squealed

I run up to her and she gives me a hug.

"Oh no, it's the salad lady." Mercedes said

"Okay, so: sex. It's just like hugging, only wetter." Aunt Holly said

"Yeah it is." Artie said

"Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriends pregnant via hot tub?" Aunt Holly asked

"I have always been dubious." Finn said

Mr. Schuester hits his elbow on the piano.

"And, Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?" Aunt Holly asked

"I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons." Brittany said

Mr. Schuester hits his elbow, again, on the piano.

"Well, that's all going to end right here, right now. Because, today, we are going to get under the covers, all together, and get the ditty on the dirty." Aunt Holly said

"I'm so turned on right now." Puck said

"Ah, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?" Rachel asked

She touches Quinn's arm for support, but Quinn holds up a hand to stop her.

"Oh, well, I admire you. Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice." Aunt Holly said

"I think this is a good time for a song." Mr. Schuester said

"Oh! Yes, okay. Rule number one: every intimate encounter that you're ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!" Aunt Holly exclaimed

Aunt Holly begins singing "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)".

 **Holly:**  
We've been here too long  
Tryin' to get along  
Pretendin' that you're oh so shy  
I'm a natural ma'am  
Doin' all I can  
My temperature is runnin' high

Cry at night  
No one in sight  
And we got so much to share  
Talking's fine  
If you got the time  
But I ain't got the time to spare  
Yeah!

 **Holly with New Directions (New Directions):**  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch me there, where  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch me there, where  
There, yeah!

(Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah)  
(Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah)

 **Holly:**  
Every girl an' boy  
Needs a little joy  
All you do is sit an' stare  
Beggin' on my knees  
Baby, won't you please  
Run your fingers through my hair

My, my, my  
Whiskey and rye  
Don't it make you feel so fine  
Right or wrong  
Don't it turn you on  
Can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah

 **Holly with New Directions (New Directions):**  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch me there, where  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch (Yeah!)  
Do you wanna touch me there, where  
There, yeah!

 **Holly (New Directions):**  
(Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah) Do ya, do ya!  
(Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah) Do ya, do ya!

Touch me there (Yeah!), you know where (Oh yeah, oh yeah)  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

 **Holly with New Directions:**  
Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

 **Holly:**  
Do ya, do ya!

When the performance ends, we all clap and cheer, breathless.

"So just remember, whenever you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with. And everybody's got a random." Aunt Holly said

* * *

 _In the hallway_

I am walking down the hallway, when Lauren grabs my arm and pulls me over to her and Puck.

"Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?" Lauren asked

"If this is going where I think it's going, I need to sit down." Puck said

"Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It'll be called Zizes. And the slogan will be, 'You just got Zized'." Lauren said

"I'm not sure I heard that last part right, 'cause I'm getting a little lightheaded, but, if we make one of those tapes, that means..." Puck started

"Wow, if your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I'm in for a wild night. So Crystal you wanna join?" Lauren asked

I shrug my shoulder, before nodding.

"What do I gotta lose?" I asked

* * *

 _In the library_

Puck, Lauren, and I are watching a sex tape on a laptop.

"Those linens are incredible." Puck said

"I know, is that Egyptian cotton?" I asked

"Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?" Puck asked

"It classes it up." Lauren said

"If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!." I said

"Ahah. Touch me." Lauren said

We high-five.

"We're not putting any of that stuff in ours." Puck said

"Maybe." Lauren said

Aunt Holly approaches behind us.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Aunt Holly asked

"Oh, hey, Aunt Holly." I said

"Can you help us out?" Puck asked

"Uh, yeah." Aunt Holly asked

"Lauren, Crystal, and I are going to make a sex tape." Puck said

"So I can get a recording contract." Lauren said

"Wow, okay. Well, first, can I just say that I am very impressed by, not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies." Aunt Holly said

"It's easy to be comfortable when you look this good, you know what I mean?" Lauren asked

"Totes." I said

"Agreed. Uh, now for the downside. Are you aware that because you're under 18 years of age, making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography? Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right. These things, they never work out well. My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster. Okay?" Aunt Holly said

"Thanks, Ms. H." Puck said

"Later, dudes!" Aunt Holly said

Aunt Holly leaves.

"Holy shit, I'm out." I said

I leave the library.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

Santana, Aunt Holly, and Brittany are sitting on stools in front of the rest of the Glee Club. They start singing "Landslide".

When it's over, everyone applauds. Santana wipes away her tears. She rises and goes to hug Brittany.

"Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right? I wish you and I were that close." Sam said to Artie

"Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm? Brava, brava." Rachel said

I roll my eyes.

"Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn't mean that you can put a label on me. Is that clear?" Santana asked

Santana walks back to her chair after giving Brittany a look.

* * *

 _At Celibacy Club_

Ms. Pillsbury bangs her gavel. I am sitting next to Quinn, while Puck is sitting next to Rachel.

"This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order. Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you, by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year. You get tensies for menses! I also would like to welcome our newest members, Crystal Osborne and Noah Puckerman." Ms. Pillsbury said

"Are you lost, Noah?" Rachel asked

"Yeah, you don't belong here, you're the biggest French whore of them all." Quinn said

"Zizes, Crystal, and I were going to make a sex tape." Puck said

Quinn looks at me and I shrug my shoulder.

"I found out that making that tape would result in my arrest. I've hit rock bottom and I've come here to set myself straight." Puck said

"That's just awesome, Noah. And you two are just in time, because tomorrow, the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club extolling the benefits of celibacy." Ms. Pillsbury said

"I'm down for that. Point of order, though. While four chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom, it's not the best balance for singing. We need at least one more dude." Puck said

"I've got that covered." Ms. Pillsbury said, smiling

* * *

 _In the auditorium_

The Celibacy Club, plus the jazz band, and Carl, are on stage singing "Afternoon Delight".

 **Carl:**  
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight  
Gonna grab some afternoon delight

 **Puck:**  
My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right  
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night

 **Rachel with the Celibacy Club:**  
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day  
And we know the night is always gonna be here any way

 **Emma with Quinn:**  
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite  
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight

 **Crystal with Quinn:**  
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite  
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting

 **Carl and The Celibacy Club:**  
Sky rockets in flight  
Afternoon delight  
Aaaa-a-a-afternoon delight  
Aaaa-a-a-afternoon delight

Mr. Schuester and Aunt Holly laugh during the song. Some look confused. When it's over, Brittany stands and claps.

"Hi! Um, Holly here. So, I'm a little confused. Isn't this a strange song for the Celibacy Club to sing?" Aunt Holly asked

"What, why? It's so wholesome. It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks, and–" Ms. Pillsbury started

Aunt Holly cuts her off.

"No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner." Aunt Holly explained

"Yes, exactly! A nooner is when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right, Carl?" Ms. Pillsbury asked

Carl doesn't say anything.

"Well, regardless, great job, guys. Great number." Mr. Schuester said

"It was fantastic." Aunt Holly said

"Hey, Glee Club, let's go." Mr. Schuester said

Everyone gets up to leave.

* * *

 _In Celibacy Club_

Rachel is sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's usual seat and she bangs the gavel. Lauren, Santana, Sam, Nate, Brittany, and Artie are newly present.

"I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order." Rachel said

"Where's Ms. Pillsbury?" Puck asked

"She decided to take the hour she was spending here to fix her sham of a marriage. In the interim, I'll be taking over." Rachel said

"Because you annoyingly take over everything?" I asked

"Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we're gonna fall in love with someone and we're going to choose to be intimate with them." Rachel said

I glance over at Nate and then at Quinn.

"Speaking of intimate, what's with the hickey, Quinn?" Puck asked

"It's not a hickey." Quinn defended

"Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freaking connoisseur. I can make them into shapes like balloon animals." Puck said

"I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron." Quinn said

"The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub, to keep you from getting burnt." Brittany said

"No, Britt, no it's not." I said

I look at Brittany concerned.


	38. Original Song

**Crystal POV**

 _In the choir room_

Mr. Schuester walks in with an envelope in his hand.

"Guys, I've got some bad news. You know how we decided on Sing by My Chemical Romance for Regionals. Well, I hold in my hand a cease and desist letter from the band. We can't do it." Mr. Schuester said

He shows us the letter.

"Ugh, it was the perfect anthem." Puck said

"How much do you wanna bet Coach Sylvester had something to do with this?" Mercedes said

"One step ahead of you." Mr. Schuester said

He tells us about how he confronted Coach Sylvester about it.

"So, what are we gonna do now?" Mercedes asked

"I think... we should write original songs for Regionals." Rachel said

"All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?" Santana said

We all, except Quinn and Rachel, raise our hands.

"No, I think Rachel's right. This team works best when we push ourselves and do something a little different." Quinn said

"Well, that's true but if all the other teams are doing amazing songs. We're not gonna be so good." Mercedes said

"You're right, we're not gonna be as good. We're gonna be better. We won't be using other peoples' words or music. It'll be our own. Our own heart, soul, not just our voices. We have a really talented songwriter in our midst. Rachel?" Quinn asked

Rachel looks up at Quinn.

"I was thinking maybe you and I could write a song together." Quinn said

"I'm with Quinn and Rachel. I mean, if these two can agree on something it's probably an idea worth considering." Finn said

"W-wait, wait. So, suddenly you two are writing the music for Regionals? No way. I think that everyone should get a chance to write a song." Santana said

"Santana's right, we can do this." Sam said

"What do you think Mr. Schue?" Mercedes asked

"I think we're doing original song for Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

We all clap.

* * *

 _The next day_

"All right guys, let's hear it for our first songwriting seminar." Mr. Schuester said

We all cheer and clap. Mr. Schuester hands out rhyming dictionaries to us.

"While Quinn and Rachel are hard at work, we are gonna try and write an anthem of our own. Now, these are rhyming dictionaries for all of you." Mr. Schuester said

"Uh Mr. Schue. Tina and I have been uh already working on a song that I wrote." Santana said

"Really? That's amazing. Can we hear it?" Mr. Schuester asked

We all clap, and Tina and Santana go to the front of the room.

"This is a song that I wrote for Sam. It's called 'Trouty Mouth'." Santana said

Sam's head shoots up.

"Wait, what's it called?" Sam asked

"Trouty Mouth." Mike said to Sam

Santana begins singing "Trouty Mouth".

Sam stands up.

"Okay. Can we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes." Sam said

"Sit down. I'm not finished." Santana said

"Yes you are." Sam said

He turns to Mr. Schuester.

"Mr. Schue we're not doing a song at Regionals called 'Trouty Mouth'." Sam said

"Uh y-you know what I have to agree with Sam on this one. But, such a good first effort. I just don't think it's got the epic feel we need for Regionals." Mr. Schuester said

Puck moves to stand where Santana was previously.

"Uh, Mr. Schue I wrote a song too. I wrote it for Lauren. I-I know that when I sang 'Fat Bottomed Girls' it might have hurt her feelings a little bit but, I think this makes up for it. It's got a bit of a rock-a-billy feel so it'd give us an edge this weekend." Puck said

"All right. Show us what you got." Mr. Schuester said

"It's called "Big Ass..." Puck started

We all look at him.

"...Heart." Puck finished

Puck begins singing "Big Ass Heart".

"All right guys, well let's uh let's make Puck's song a contender but I don't totally think we're there yet. So, everyone look at your rhyming dictionaries and let's work on banging out some songs that rock." Mr. Schuester said

* * *

 _The next day_

 _Mercedes is singing "Hell to the No" in the choir room._

"Really good!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed

"Thank you." Mercedes said

"But uh–" Mr. Schuester started

"But my butt Mr. Schue, that song was amazing." Mercedes said

"No, I agree. I'm just not sure that it's Regionals material." Mr. Schuester said

Mercedes sighs and sits down.

"Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of Trouty Mouth" Santana said

Sam holds up a piece of paper that says "Hell No".

"Eh no, n-n-no. Guys, guys. Just think about it. What's your favorite song of all time?" Mr. Schuester asked

"My Headband." Brittany said

"Alanis Morisette's You Oughta Know." Santana said

"What's Going On. Marvin Gaye." Puck said

"Puckerman, you're on a roll." Lauren said

"Okay and wh-what are all those songs about?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Headbands." Brittany said

"All those songs come from a place of pain. The greatest songs are about hurt, and that's the side of yourselves I want you to get in touch with." Mr. Schuester said

ARTIE: That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason and tries to get the entire school to hate us.

"Yesterday, she filled Britt's and my locker with dirt." Santana said

Mr. Schuester goes over to the whiteboard and starts writing a list of things on it.

"Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow down." Mr. Schuester said

"She literally throws sticks at me." Mercedes said

Mr. Schuester writes down "sticks".

"Okay, what else? What else?" Mr. Schuester asked

"She called the Ohio Secretary of State, saying she was me and that I wanna legally change my name to 'Tina Cohen-Loser'." Tina said

Mr. Schuester writes "Loser" on the whiteboard

"Okay, and how does that make you feel?" Mr. Schuester asked

"Well, at first it hurts, but... Then it mostly makes you want to win." Finn said

Mr. Schuester goes back to the board circles "Loser" and then writes "Like Me".

"Guys... I think you may have just found your song. Now let's get to writing." Mr. Schuester said

We all start writing the song. When we finish the bell rings and everyone walks out. I walk up to Mr. Schuester.

"Mr. Schue?" I asked

"Yes Crystal." Mr. Schuester said

"Um, I wrote this song for Regionals and I was wondering what you think of it." I said

I hand him a piece of paper with my song lyrics on it. He reads through it.

"Crystal, this is amazing. I think this song will be a great way to finish off our Regionals setlist." Mr. Schuester said

"Awesome, thanks Mr. Schue." I said

I leave the choir room.

* * *

 _At Regionals_

"And now, our judges for the 2011 Midwest Regional Show Choir Competition. Local broadcasting legend and man about town Rod Remington!" The announcer annouced

Rod Remington stands up.

"Recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson!" The announcer announced

Tammy Jean Albertson stands up.

"And former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance!" The announcer announced

Sister Mary Constance stands up.

"And now, from Westvale High School, let's have a warm welcome for Aural Intensity!" The announcer announced

Aural Intensity starts singing "Jesus Is My Friend".

They finish and we applaud.

"And now, from Westerville, Ohio, the Dalton Academy Warblers!" The announcer announced

The Warblers sing "Candles" and "Raise Your Glass".

They finish and we applaud, before heading backstage.

"And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!" The announcer announced

Rachel walks onstage and sings "Get It Right" with back up from Brittany and Tina.

Rachel, Brittany, and Tina finish singing, and the crowd cheers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're the New Directions!" Rachel introduced

She hands her microphone to a stage person. We start singing "Loser Like Me".

 **Rachel:**  
Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero ( **Santana:** Huh)

 **Rachel with New Directions (Rachel):**  
(But) hey, everyone you wanna be  
Probably started off like me

 **Rachel:**  
You may say that I'm a freak show ( **Santana:** I don't care)

 **Rachel with New Directions (Rachel):**  
(But) hey, give it just a little time  
I bet you're gonna change your mind

 **Rachel:**  
All of the dirt you've been throwing my way  
It ain't so hard to take ( **Finn and Rachel:** That's right)

 **Rachel (with New Directions):**  
Cause (I know one day you'll be screaming my name)

 **Rachel:**  
And I'll just look away ( **Finn and Rachel:** That's right)

 **Rachel with New Directions (Finn and Rachel):**  
Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth  
(So everyone can hear)  
Hit me with the worst you've got and knock me down  
(Baby, I don't care)  
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out

You wanna be, you wanna be  
A loser like me  
A loser like me

 **Finn:**  
Push me up against the locker

 **Finn with New Directions (Finn):**  
(And) hey, all I do is shake it off  
I'll get you back when I'm your boss

 **Finn:**  
I'm not thinking 'bout you haters

 **Finn with New Directions (Finn):**  
(Cause) hey, I could be a superstar  
I'll see you when you wash my car

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
All of the dirt you've been throwing my way

 **Rachel:**  
It ain't so hard to take ( **Finn and Rachel:** That's right)

 **Rachel with New Directions (Rachel):**  
(Cause) I know one day you'll be screaming my name

 **Rachel:**  
And I'll just look away ( **Finn and Rachel:** That's right)

 **Rachel with New Directions (Finn and Rachel):**  
Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth  
(So everyone can hear)  
Hit me with the worst you've got and knock me down  
(Baby, I don't care)  
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out

You wanna be, you wanna be  
A loser like me

 **Mercedes:**  
Yeah!

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
Go ahead, and hate on me and run your mouth  
( **Finn and Mercedes with New Directions:** So everyone can hear)  
Hit me with the worst you've got and knock me down  
( **Finn and Rachel with New Directions:** Baby, I don't care)  
Keep it up, and, soon enough, you'll figure out ( **Mercedes:** Oh)

You wanna ( **and Mercedes:** be), you wanna be

 **Rachel with New Directions:**  
A loser like me ( **Rachel:** A loser like me)  
A loser like me ( **Rachel:** A loser like me)  
A loser like me

After we finish we throw slushies filled with confetti at the audience. Everyone but Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Tina, and I leave the stage. The six of us start singing my original song "Renegade".

 **Mercedes:**  
Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah - oh!  
Whoa, whoa, whoaaa...

 **Tina:**  
Hey! Oh, oh, whoa  
Oh, oh, whoa  
Oh, oh, whoa

 **Crystal:**  
Drop It!  
Yeah, I'm a small town girl,  
they're trying to change me  
You hear that? That's my drummer -  
I got my own beat  
They try to package me, but girl  
I don't fit in that box  
I-I-I see that look on your face  
but girl I'm bout to wipe it off

 **Mercedes:**  
Yeah, yeah, get real with me  
I'm not wasting my energy  
I'm not your puppet on a string  
Yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!

 **Tina with New Direction Girls:**  
Whoa!  
They got me feelin' like a renegade  
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!  
Just tryin' to stay true to the inner me!  
Whoa! They're try to change me  
They try to make me, break me  
That just ain't me  
They're not gonna phase me  
This renegade's not changing!

 **Santana:**  
No! I know you think you know me,  
but you don't know my story  
You wanna shape and mold me  
I'm sorry you don't own me!  
I'm not gonna stop being who I am  
Won't stop doing what I love  
Don't talk about me  
This on go right back to ya!  
Yeah, wassup!

 **Crystal:**  
BURN!

 **Brittany:**  
Yeah, yeah, get real with me  
I'm not wasting my energy  
I'm not your puppet on a string  
Yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!

 **Tina with New Direction Girls:**  
Whoa!  
They got me feelin' like a renegade  
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!  
Just tryin' to stay true to the inner me!  
Whoa! They're try to change me  
They try to make me, break me  
That just ain't me  
They're not gonna phase me  
This renegade's not changing! No!

 **Quinn:**  
No, no, no, no, no, no!  
No, no, no, no, no, no!  
I got faith, time and family  
I got strength inside that's good for me  
No defeat - that's my reality  
This is my testimony!

 **Tina with New Direction Girls:**  
Whoa!  
They got me feelin' like a renegade ( **Santana:** Got me feeling like a renegade!)  
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!  
Just tryin' to stay true to the inner me! ( **Brittany:** Stay true to the inner me)  
Whoa! They're try to change me  
They try to make me, break me  
That just ain't me  
They're not gonna phase me  
This renegade's not changing! No!  
Whoa!

They got me feelin' like a renegade ( **Santana:** Feelin' like a renegade)  
Whoa, whoa! Whoa!  
Just tryin' to stay true to the inner me!  
Whoa! They're try to change me  
They try to make me, break me  
That just ain't me  
They're not gonna phase me  
This renegade's not changing!

When we finish we get a standing ovation.

* * *

 _Later_

All three Glee clubs are waiting for the results. We are all obviously tense.

"And now, to announce our winner, Lieutenant Governor Stevens' wife, Carla Turlington-Stevens!" The announcer announced

Carla walks onstage, obviously drunk.

"My husband is verbally abusive, and I have been drinking since noon. I'm bored. Let's just see who won, huh?" Carla asked

She pulls a single piece of paper from an envelope.

"The New Directions! You're going to Nationals in New York!" Carla announced

We all cheer and grab our trophy. Coach Sylvester walks up to Carla and punches her in the face. We all stop cheering and look at Coach Sylvester, shocked.

* * *

 _In the choir room_

"I'll show you the video when you get home. Have fun in the sweat lodge. Namaste to you, too. Okay. Bye." Mr. Schuester said

He hangs up the phone and looks at us.

"Ms. Holliday sends her best, and can't wait to congratulate you all in person when she gets back from her meditation retreat." Mr. Schuester said

"I still can't believe you're dating my aunt." I said

"Now, we all know that winning Regionals was a team effort, and Nationals isn't going to be any different. But like in sports, every winning team has a player that rises above to help carry their teammates to victory... The MVP. And I would like to start a tradition of honoring that player after every one of our competitions. So, per a unanimous vote by all of you, our Regionals MVP is... Miss Rachel Berry!" Mr. Schuester announced

Rachel looks at us confused, while we cheer and clap.

"Come on up." Mr. Schuester said

"Yeah!" Artie cheered

"Congratulations." Mr. Schuester said

"Thank you. If I could just say a few words?" Rachel asked

"Sure." Mr. Schuester said

"And here she goes, making me regret voting for her." I said

Santana nods in agreement.

"Well, first of all, I just want to say how amazing the song you guys wrote was. I... I was so inspired. You know, it's... It's funny. I've won a lot of trophies before for singing competitions and dancing competitions, but I've always felt like the girl who never gets the brass ring. And maybe I never will. But today and at Regionals, the way you guys believed in me and... took a chance with me... All I've ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, and I just, um..." Rachel said

She starts to tear up and choke on her words a little.

"I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. So... That's all." Rachel said

We all go up to her and give her a group hug.


End file.
